Traveling

I Give Up

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Traveling •   8

Goodbye cruel world.

This is going to be one very busy month for me, so instead of worrying about my website while I’m working, or trying to be funny during my 60 second lunch break when I haven’t slept in two days, I’m just going to close up shop here until my schedule once again allows me the free time to write more posts. I know you’re upset but I’ll be back as soon…

What the…?

You’re laughing? At me? You think my leaving is funny? What kind of person are you? Oh no, don’t go dabbing at your eyes and making the ‘frowning-almost-crying’ face at me, you faking faker! I know how you really feel now, so let’s be honest and stop with all the acting because now we all know that you don’t really care, right? Right?!

Oh man, that is so cold.

Damn. I mean… damn. Oh man, that hurts. Really. It feels like you just put a fricking salt-water-and-lemon-juice icicle in my eye, you know? I mean, you could have pretended. You could have lied to me and told me you cared and only laughed at me after I was gone. But noooo, you had to rip out my damn heart right here in public, didn’t you? Right in front of all your friends so you’d look all macho and stuff, huh? Well guess what?! You aren’t macho! You’re not even cool! And I hate you!

Hate you! Hate you! Hate you!!!

[wiping tears]

*sniff*

Get that tissue out of my face.

*sniff*

I’m not listening to you. You’re a liar.

*sniffle*

Well, I want to believe you…

[blowing nose]

You mean it? You promise? You’re not pulling my chain, right? Really? Really?! Oh wow! I never thought you ever felt that way! What are you doing…? Oh! Oh. My. God. It’s beautiful! OMG! I don’t know what to say! Oh! Yes! YES! Oh wow, I’ve got to call my mom…

Hey, do I need to change my last name?

Happy New Year To You

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Traveling •   4

And happy trails to me.

As is usual for me this time of year I am going to be doing a lot of traveling for work. So, over the next few months updates here will be a little sparse as I flitter hither and yon to grant graphics wishes to my unrelentingly demanding clients all over the world. To show their gratitude for my services, at the end of each project my clients are always happy to use their final wish to wish me free of the iron yoke of my lamp so that I may once again return home to my sweet and loving HoBiscuit. Who will promptly whore me out to another client so I can make her more money so she can buy more shoes.

Ah, marital bliss. Shoot me now.

To make this particular excursion even more excruciating, I happen to be leaving on January 2nd, which just happens to be our one year wedding anniversary. Oh, did I forget to mention that I’ll be headed to sunny San Diego for a week? And that I’ll also be going to San Francisco and New Orleans all in the next three weeks? And HoBiscuit won’t? She’ll be stuck here in New York, unpacking all of our belongings into our new closets, which are being conveniently installed during my absence. And for those of you who may have lost track of certain facts during the last year, let me remind you that HoBiscuit and I have still not gone on a honeymoon!

Oh yeah, I’m a dead man.

Anywaste, since I’m going to be fairly hectic with work and/or funeral arrangements for myself over the next month or so, I hope you’ll be a tad forgiving should updates here at The Mighty Geek become a bit sporadic. I’ll do my best to post whenever I can, but I make no promises. In the meantime, I wish all of you a happy new year and please try not to make New Years Resolutions because we all know you’ll never keep them. Unless of course, your resolution is to visit this site more often and shower me with love.

That one I’d make you keep.

Too Much Of A Good Thing?

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Traveling •   3

Even when I win, I lose.

Apparently, HoBiscuit’s sister was so happy with our visit to her humble abode that she spread the word to MotherBiscuit, who in turn has extended an invitation for HoBiscuit and me to visit her new home in Phoenix, Arizona. And by ‘extended an invitation’ I mean insisted that we fly out there ASAP and visit or there will be hell to pay in the form of guilt, guilt and more guilt. And HoBiscuit, bless her heart, just can’t handle Momma-guilt like I can.

Makes her break out in hives, you understand.

So, long story short, I’m getting on a plane tomorrow morning at 6am to go for another in-law visit. Bad news is that HoBiscuit and I are already being yelled at for spending too much money on little things like plane tickets and car rentals. Most likely, this spendthrift chastisement won’t end once they realize that we’re planning on driving them to Las Vegas for a night where we’ll stay at THE hotel at Mandalay Bay, see ‘O’ which is a Cirque Du Soleil show and then gamble, GAMBLE, GAMBLE!

Good news is they think I’m a wonderful son-in-law.

Now, I love to gamble. Not stupidly, though. I hate it when people don’t have limits and do stupid things like go to the cash machine after losing a month’s paycheck at the roulette table. Any way you slice it, people who do that need an intervention. You see, what I do is go to the table with a set limit and if I lose it then I consider that money to have been spent on ‘entertainment’ and that’s it. I never go back to the ATM for more money because if I did I’d lose my place at the table. That would be dumb.

Instead, I give my card to HoBiscuit and make her go.

Anywaste, I know you’re all thrilled sad that I’ll be gone for yet another week, but cheer up. I’ll be back on Tuesday the 7th of December with what I can only assume will be fun stories for you to read about my hellish travels to the city of sin with my church-going, god-fearing, bible-study-grouping in-laws who, with their constant barrage of guilt-laden jibs, unhappy frowns at the money we’re spending on them and their forlorn looks of parental disapproval, will no doubt cause HoBiscuit to turn into a neurotic psychopath who will in turn make my life a living hell.

Ah, good times. Good times.

Ann Arbor Is The Place To Be

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Traveling •   6

That is, if you’re The Mighty Geek.

I’m going to visit my in-laws for the Thanksgiving holiday weekend and we all know that can mean only one thing. No, not eating so much turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce that my bellybutton goes from an ‘innie’ to an ‘outtie’. Nor does it mean that I’ll get to sit in front of the TV all day watching football and screaming at the kids to shut up or I’ll beat them with the buckle side of my belt until their bottoms are so raw they won’t be able to sit down until their kids graduate college…

Stupid, repressed, childhood memories…

Anywaste, what Thanksgiving means to me, and to most other Americans, is Christmas. That’s right, Christmas. It’s not until Thanksgiving that most Americans begin thinking of all the money they’re going to have to spend on presents for friends and family members, most of whom they don’t even really like. And once we start thinking of all that money being sucked out of our bank accounts, we panic. We panic because we’ve been conditioned to show our love and affection for children by bestowing upon them gifts. Not just any gifts either, we’re talking bigger, better, cooler and more enviable gifts than the bratty kids down the block who always seem to get the best toys and then rub it in all the other kids’ faces at school.

And we hateses those kiddies, don’t we Gollum?

So, I’ll be spending this Turkey Day with my new family in Ann Arbor, playing with the kids, eating “home cooked” meals that are actually prepared in a home and not just regular restaurant food that’s called home cooked as a marketing strategy. Then, on Friday, a day that I learned only last night is known as ‘BLACK FRIDAY’, I shall be dragged from my inflatable bed in the guest hallway of my in-law’s home at 4:30am to go shopping. Having never done this before in my life, you cannot possibly imagine my excitement in anticipation of hour upon grueling hour of madhouse shopping in the crowded malls of the suburbs of America. Oh, and hey, if I’m not here on Monday, it’s not because I don’t love you guys.

It’s because I’m in jail for mass murder.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Road To Rhode Island

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   3

Or, Inspector Clouseau’s Proper Table Etiquette While On A Train.

I was sitting at one of the table/seats on the train with two friends, MovieStar and Wheezy, when the trouble started. Now, for those of you who don’t know what I mean when I say train table/seats let me explain before I go any further. Table/seats on a train have four seats, two facing front and two facing backwards with a table in the middle of them. The table has two folding leaves on it that, when folded, will allow the passengers to get in and out of the seats, but when unfolded approximates a regular table, albeit with spill-guards around the edges.

Kind of like baby chairs for four grownups.

Now that we all know what a train table/seat is, I will continue. I was sitting next to the window with MovieStar and Wheezy sitting across from me. The aisle seat next to me was vacant, but only if your definition of ‘vacant’ included a pile of women’s travel bags, a couple of coats and my Mighty Messenger Bag. Movie Star had spent the last half-hour regaling us with the story of her life (which you can see in theaters sometime soon) and Wheezy and I were busy trying to outdo each other with good natured insults. All in all, it was a pleasant ride up until the moment I realized that I needed to get up.

And by ‘get up’ I mean pee like a racehorse with a UTI.
Continue reading →

And This Time I Really Mean It

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Poetry, Traveling •   5

Well true believers, GeekMan’s got some bad news.

Due to my amazingly full work schedule I’m going to be flying to Chicago today to be a good little graphics monkey and make enough money for HoBiscuit to buy herself a new pair of shoes, and the accompanying walk-in closet to go with them. What that means for you my loyal readership is that I’ll be gone for yet another week, but if my visitor logs are any indication then neither of you will really care.

I don’t even think Momma Geek will notice my absence.

In order for the world to fully comprehend my agony over leaving all of you unattended and humorless for yet another seven days, I originally wanted to express myself in the only way I believed could truly capture all of my anguish, heartache, fear and despair. But since no one would have been able to see my interpretive dance, I’ve decided to use a different style of expression more in keeping with this computerized medium. So sit back and prepare yourself for my awe inspiring and almost Shakespearian display of Crane-Style Emotive Blogger Haiku.

Yeah BOY-eee. I got mad haiku skilz.

Early morning flight
Work has GeekMan by the nads
Updates shall suffer

Readers bow their heads
Hot chocolate made sweet with tears
Heaven holds no warmth

Another week gone
Sadness envelopes the world
Until The Return

Mark your calendar
There will be great rejoicing
On Monday the twelfth

That’s right. You just got poetry served.

Reason In Rhyme

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments, Moving, Poetry, Traveling •   1

Dear Minions,

I understand that it’s Sunday
And yet, I’ll post this anyway
To heck with rules is what I say
When GeekMan is not here to play

My mind is lost, it’s gone you see
I’m driving friends down to DC
I offered up my SUV
To help them leave New York City

Try not to fret, or weep, or cry
For GeekMan did not up and die
I have not been poked in the eye
Or made into Sweeney Meat Pie

I’m just a Geek who’s strong, like ox
Which means I’ll lift a heavy box
While my friends who’re smart, like fox
Eat bagels, cream cheese and some lox

So for a week and then a night
There will be no updates to this site
Monday the 5th is when I’ll write
Later!
Love,
The Geek of Might

My Problem

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Traveling •   6

Yesterday my computer died and I lost my post. I’m trying to rewrite that post but in the meantime here’s something to keep you busy.

Facts;

  • While traveling to California I was “accidentally” hit on the back of the head with a cane by an old lady trying to stuff an entire body-bag full of knitting materials into the overhead bin above my seat.
  • While in California two very polite police officers kindly explained to me that people do not jaywalk to cross a street. As an added bonus, I was given a piece of paper as a ‘souvenir’ to help me remember this life lesson in the future.
  • While driving the roads of California I discovered that Californian maps lie. For what seems like a fairly straight road on a map will be discovered as being a twisting, narrow, dizzying and dangerous Highway Of Madness, also known as Highway 1.
  • While in California I discovered, much to my dismay, that I am no longer impervious to sunshine. Whereas on the east coast I used to be able to lay all day in the sun without fear of a burn or even any type of significant tan, in California I seem to be unable to spend more than 30 seconds out of doors without looking like I’ve been covered in orange paint and dipped into an industrial deep fryer.
  • Before vacationing in California I had a wife who was excited to visit ancient caves, climb tall mountains and walk forest trails. After vacationing in California I have a wife who has discovered she is afraid of the dark & enclosed spaces, who feels faint at the thought of climbing stairs past the second floor of an apartment building and who loves nature only when viewed in air-conditioned comfort through car windows while going 55mph.
  • Contrary to commonly held easterner beliefs, the west coast is not always warm. It would have been nice to know this before I packed my suitcase full of sexy, super-tight weightlifter shorts and spandex wifebeater t-shirts.
  • In California almost everyone is a plastic surgeon or has had plastic surgery. I know this because as I walked the streets in the above mentioned outfits I was accosted by every third person I passed and told that they, or someone they knew, could help me with my “little problem”. Usually through an implant or attachment.
  • In New York, should a local tell you to walk a seemingly long distance to a destination, one can walk the 30 blocks without thinking of it as being too far or too difficult. In San Francisco, should a local tell you NOT to walk the three blocks to your destination, one should immediately jump in one’s car and drive there instead of attempting to walk the three vertical blocks. This is because when you wake up in the hospital after your heart attack you will be ridiculed for the rest of your life.
  • In California I met two wonderful and charming people who were nice enough to overlook my inherent Geekiness and talk to me without projectile vomiting on my ugly face. They kept up this charade of touchy-feely, good-natured comradeship almost all day. However, as HoBiscuit and I were leaving it was entirely unnecessary for one to turn to the other and stage-whisper, “Thank god they’re leaving! If I had to spend another minute with that ugly, stupid, stuck-up jackhole I think I would have died. As it is, I think I should take a Liquid Plumber bath to wash the touch of his filthy eyes off my body.”

After careful examination of these facts, I believe I have discovered what the greatest problem in my life is;

My problem is California.

It’s California’s fault that my life is so pathetic. It’s California’s fault that my computer froze up yesterday and caused the loss of my Greatest Post Ever™. California is the root of all evil in the world, California is slowing down the closing on my new apartment, California gave me this paper cut on my finger and California makes my anus bleed when I wipe too hard with industrial-grade toilet paper. California is my Kryptonite, my super-powered arch nemesis and my personal anti-christ all rolled into one.

But damn, it’s beautiful out there.

Geek Sleep Now

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   3

A most eventful vacation.

HoBiscuit and I totally enjoyed our vacation, even with all of the driving we needed to do to cover all the ground we wanted to cover. In a nutshell, our vacation can be summed up with the following sentence. Fly, drive, see, drive, meet, drive, see, drive, meet, drive, see, drive, fly and drive some more. If it’s something to see or do in northern California, we’ve seen and done it.

9 days and 2,046 car miles later we’re back home and damn tired.

I’ll tell you all about the trip, including the infamous meeting of the mindless, in the next few days. Right now I’m just too exhausted to write anything other than we had a fabulous time.

Well, that and trucker tans suck. Big time.

The Day After Tomorrow

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Traveling •   8

Look out California, here we come!

For the first time since we’ve been married, HoBiscuit and I are traveling together on what some people would call a ‘vacation’, but what we call a ‘Destination Of Convenience’, or DOC. DOC means that we’re going to California for a wedding and tacking on a getaway week for ourselves because we really need to take a breather from all the work we’ve been doing. Now don’t be sad, we’re not going away forever and I promise to tell you all about our trip when we get back. Come on now, there’s no need to cry. Turn that frown upside down…

Oh stop it! I’ll be back on June 7th, you big crybaby.

Anywaste, we’ll be going all over northern California, from San Francisco to the Oregon border to Yosemite to Monterey, so even though I’ll try to update this site with stories of our travels while we’re there, if I were you I wouldn’t be holding my breath. During our stay out west, we’ll also work in a day to meet and greet two of my favoritest Bloggers ever, despite the fact that the Governator has declared our meeting to be an act of terrorschism. And if our meeting doesn’t cause an interdimensional rift of cataclysmic proportions, then I guess we’re just not trying hard enough. Jules, JadedJu, Hobiscuit and GeekMan will meet in California this Saturday, and the world will quake beneath our feet.

May god have mercy on us all.