Yesterday my computer died and I lost my post. I’m trying to rewrite that post but in the meantime here’s something to keep you busy.
Facts;
- While traveling to California I was “accidentally” hit on the back of the head with a cane by an old lady trying to stuff an entire body-bag full of knitting materials into the overhead bin above my seat.
- While in California two very polite police officers kindly explained to me that people do not jaywalk to cross a street. As an added bonus, I was given a piece of paper as a ‘souvenir’ to help me remember this life lesson in the future.
- While driving the roads of California I discovered that Californian maps lie. For what seems like a fairly straight road on a map will be discovered as being a twisting, narrow, dizzying and dangerous Highway Of Madness, also known as Highway 1.
- While in California I discovered, much to my dismay, that I am no longer impervious to sunshine. Whereas on the east coast I used to be able to lay all day in the sun without fear of a burn or even any type of significant tan, in California I seem to be unable to spend more than 30 seconds out of doors without looking like I’ve been covered in orange paint and dipped into an industrial deep fryer.
- Before vacationing in California I had a wife who was excited to visit ancient caves, climb tall mountains and walk forest trails. After vacationing in California I have a wife who has discovered she is afraid of the dark & enclosed spaces, who feels faint at the thought of climbing stairs past the second floor of an apartment building and who loves nature only when viewed in air-conditioned comfort through car windows while going 55mph.
- Contrary to commonly held easterner beliefs, the west coast is not always warm. It would have been nice to know this before I packed my suitcase full of sexy, super-tight weightlifter shorts and spandex wifebeater t-shirts.
- In California almost everyone is a plastic surgeon or has had plastic surgery. I know this because as I walked the streets in the above mentioned outfits I was accosted by every third person I passed and told that they, or someone they knew, could help me with my “little problem”. Usually through an implant or attachment.
- In New York, should a local tell you to walk a seemingly long distance to a destination, one can walk the 30 blocks without thinking of it as being too far or too difficult. In San Francisco, should a local tell you NOT to walk the three blocks to your destination, one should immediately jump in one’s car and drive there instead of attempting to walk the three vertical blocks. This is because when you wake up in the hospital after your heart attack you will be ridiculed for the rest of your life.
- In California I met two wonderful and charming people who were nice enough to overlook my inherent Geekiness and talk to me without projectile vomiting on my ugly face. They kept up this charade of touchy-feely, good-natured comradeship almost all day. However, as HoBiscuit and I were leaving it was entirely unnecessary for one to turn to the other and stage-whisper, “Thank god they’re leaving! If I had to spend another minute with that ugly, stupid, stuck-up jackhole I think I would have died. As it is, I think I should take a Liquid Plumber bath to wash the touch of his filthy eyes off my body.”
After careful examination of these facts, I believe I have discovered what the greatest problem in my life is;
My problem is California.
It’s California’s fault that my life is so pathetic. It’s California’s fault that my computer froze up yesterday and caused the loss of my Greatest Post Ever™. California is the root of all evil in the world, California is slowing down the closing on my new apartment, California gave me this paper cut on my finger and California makes my anus bleed when I wipe too hard with industrial-grade toilet paper. California is my Kryptonite, my super-powered arch nemesis and my personal anti-christ all rolled into one.
But damn, it’s beautiful out there.
California uber alles.
Great…I get to head there tommorrow…not looking forward to the twisting, narrow, dizzying, and dangerous Highway of Maddness. Thanks for the warning.
Didn’t you receive the California Memo? Thank god someone gave me a copy before I moved here, or else I’m quite sure I’d be dead by now, between the jaywalking madness and the closer distance to the sun.
As for your inherent Geekiness and facial ugliness, I was protected from it by my special sunglasses. The lenses are made of lead and butter, and prevent x-rays and all other manner of detritus from passing through. They’re expensive, but they’re worth it (and so am I).
Love to the HoBiscuit–I thought my Jewish family had the corner on touring from the comfort of an air-conditioned car, but now that I know there are others, I feel better.
where the hell is my mention? you want me to draw your comic strip and jioll and deb are the only ones who get mentioned here?
this is hardly fare
Remey,
I didn’t mention you because I was trying to protect you from the general public’s scorn and pity. However, now that everyone knows that you were also present for the infamous GeekFest West, you will become like a pariah to the masses. A public outcast not unlike a leper with turrets, you will soon find the neighborhood children throwing stones at you as your body and mind deteriorate with only the promise of a long, drawn-out and inconvenient death to comfort you.
Sucker.
one of the first times I ever went to DC I was yelled at by a Capitol police officer for jaywalking. there were no cars for miles, and there was clearly no danger, but apparently you have to stand and wait until you get a walk signal before you can cross the street. now when I jaywalk in DC, I look not so much to make sure there isn’t oncoming traffic but to make sure there isn’t a ticket-hungry cop waiting to arrest me.