The Mighty Geek

Slowly I turn…

So, I’m getting closer to actually writing here again but the thing that’s really causing me to stall is the stupid design of this site. I’ve got another one of my “neat” and “cool” designs all done up but every time I try to port it over to Wordpress I get stuck. I just can’t wrap my head around Wordpress’ use of templates and I’m beginning to believe I never will.

It just baffles me.

Of course, if my design was something simple I think I could handle it, but unfortunately for me my designs aren’t so easy as your standard: header, left column, center column, right column and footer. Oh, no. I have to be fricking unique and design something with overlapping columns, multiple image swaps on mouseovers and icons for links instead of standard text links.

Yeah, yeah, I’m a moron.

Anywaste, like I said, I’m getting really close to having the time to once again update on a regular basis. However, after once again being thwarted in my attempts to get this site design updated by my lack of Mad Wordpress Coding Skilz, I came to the conclusion that I just didn’t care to continue banging my stubborn noggin on the concrete wall that is Wordpress and that maybe, just maybe, I should give up my cool design.

Then I came to my senses and decided to ask for help.

So here I am, begging for help from anyone who might be able to take my design and images and creating the proper Wordpress templates for me. Most likely no one will take me up on this without a bribe of some sort, so I came up with a silly idea of a nice exchange. In return for your help in turning my design into a set of standards compliant Wordpress templates I will do one of the following (your choice):

• Design or redesign a website for you
• Write a funny post about you and link to your site in said post
• Be your best friend (for one day only and I chose the day)
• A happy dance

Please, won’t someone help this poor Geek?

[CREEEEAAAAKKK]

Note to self; oil front door.

Wow! This website has really fallen apart. I remember when this place used to be beautiful and busy and… what’s that word? Oh yeah, funny. Just look at this place now. All these broken links, dead pictures and other crap that’s fallen apart from disuse. And holy cow, look at all these cobwebs and dust and…

Is that a tumbleweed?! Seriously?

I have REALLY been gone too long, haven’t I? I wonder if anyone’s even around here anymore… [skitter] Hey! Hey, who’s there? Is someone there? Hello? Hello?! If someone’s there you better say something! I have a flashlight and it’s, uhhhh… heavy. And bright! I could blind you if I shine it in your eyes! Or, I could swing it real hard at you. And I’ve been working out so I bet it would really hurt. Like, lots. You’d bruise! I mean it!

…

Hello? Someone? Hello?

Creeeeeeepy…

[skitter]

AAAAuuugh!

Ohmystarsandgarters! Don’t do that! Holy Odin’s beard, you scared the poop out of me! What in Nikola Tesla’s name are you doing here, rooting around in the dark like that? Are you crazy? This site’s been shut down for months! No one should be here now, it’s not ready… yet… Hey, you haven’t been here this whole time, have you? Really? Why? And… wait. Why do you look so sad?

Oh.

Crap.

So… Ahem. Uh… it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I know, I know. I’ve been a baaaaad boy. I disappeared, no phone call, no email, no note, not even a handshake and a “See ya when I see ya.” I understand how that would make you feel hurt or confused. Angry even. But, in my defense it was a VERY crazy few months for me, what with the no-longer-so-new baby, crazy work schedule and everything else that’s happened over the last few months. But I completely sympathize and agree with you that my complete and utter lack of updates was unwarranted, hurtful and malicious. We both know that I acted selfishly, letting this poor site rot like this. I mean, look at it! It’s deserted! Broken! Dead!

And it’s all my fault.

But hey! It’s not all bad! I mean, I’m kind of back now, right? I’m not totally back yet, but at least I’m writing something, right? Doesn’t that make you happy? Huh? Doesn’t it? Well, how about if I tell you I’m also working on a layout, too? A nice one. With colors and everything. And I’m planning on writing a whole lot more, too! And not only stuff about me this time. Nope, I’m also going to write about other things, like tutorial stuff and current events and gadgets and being a father and… well, things like that.

You know, life. But with humor.

I know you like that kind of stuff. Everybody likes that kind of stuff. And soon, I’ll be writing about all that stuff on a regular basis! With humor, even! And who doesn’t like humorous articles about all that stuff? No one, that’s who! So show me some love and give me a smile! Awwww…. is that…? Uh-huh. I think I see the start of a smile. Is that a smile? A widdle-bitty smile for GeekMan? It is! You’re smiling again! It’s a miracle!

Yeah, that’s right baby. The GeekMan is back.

Soon, my loyal minions. Soon.

So, I’m sick. Again.

I really hate being sick. I mean really hate it. Not only do I hate being sick, but I hate everything about being sick. I hate all the tissues that rub my nose raw, the mucus that lodges in my chest, the various aches and pains whenever I move and all the cold and clammy sweat that cocoons me in a blanket of yucky slime. Most of all, I hate the fact that as a self employed individual I don’t get any paid sick days off, like a certain wife I could mention who enjoys rubbing those kinds of things in her husbands face when he’s deathly ill.

And really, what’s the point of being sick if you can’t get paid for it?

There is so much I wish I could talk about.

If I could speak, I might be able to tell you how spending the last month with my in-laws has been… interesting, to say the least. Were I able to utter the words, I might explain to you the massive differences between how our families show each other love; over-feeding people vs. humorously insulting people, for example. And I might also mention that what is normal for one household to do, even in their own home, might be interpreted as an insult to the others. Were I not under a gag order, I could mention in-law snore-offs during football games, some people’s inability to try new foods, their frightened dismissal of anything done differently from what they have done in the past and their complete lack of technical know-how that makes it impossible for them to properly use any household item from 1980 forward including, but not limited to; cooking using a Wolf stove, turning lights on and off using dimmer switches or operating a touchscreen TV remote. My current speech impediment keeps me from imparting to you the absolute insanity of someone I know of who might insist on using a $15 screwdriver to remove weeds from a patch of weed infested dirt that the homeowner has said many times over would be ripped up and replaced next summer with actual grass. I can’t possibly tell you about how some truly crazy people I know feel the need to collect every circular in the neighborhood on their daily morning walks only to loudly proclaim over breakfast how expensive everything is compared to where they live so maybe they should give you money because obviously you’re too poor to afford to eat. And, last but certainly not least, let us not forget how my zippered lips keep me from ever telling another living soul about all the ‘helpful’ advice on, and ‘constructive’ criticism of, the way HoBiscuit and I take care of the Mighty Baby.

Wow, the stories I could tell if only I could talk to you.

But I can’t.

Oh well, at least I can tell you that by next week I should really be back to a daily-ish posting schedule. And this time I actually mean it.

Oh, don’t try to hide that smile. I know that makes you happy.