Anatomy of a Geek bite.

It’s Shark Week on the Discovery channel, so what better time than now for me to share some of my childhood memories of things that have bitten or attacked me? I know you’re all on the edge of your seats right now, barely able to contain your enthusiasm, but you’ll need to wait at least one more day before the stories begin.

I am such a tease.

Actually, I’m very busy today trying to get a few [Dr. Evil voiceover: One hundred billion!] things done so I just don’t have the time to write the first story yet. But come back tomorrow and you’ll be having some fun at my expense, I can tell you! That’s because tomorrow I will be telling a story of my youth that has special meaning to me, because it’s the day I learned one of the most important lessons of any young man’s life. A lesson that I’ll never forget;

Don’t mock the turtle.

I’m doing wedding and work related things today, so I really can’t spare too much time for my usually overly wordy and long-winded posts. However, I do have a few things I want to say today, so to make it seem more original and ‘fun’ I thought I’d write them in Haiku. Here goes nothing;

Work demands laptops
I just bought two IBMs
Longed for this, or this

Three new books to read
The Good Die Twice, Death Masks and
Naked Empire

Help me, I’m having
Problems with Moveable Type
My Weblogs pings fail

One day, all will change
The new replaces the old
TMGv4

I have just farted
Choking now on poopie smell
Must open window

That’s all for today
Because time keeps on slipping
Into the future

*update*

Help make me famous
Give me a great rating, please
Five out of five stars!

Protecting your sighting!

Thanks to my good friend Mr. Scummy Lawyer for pointing out FAQ #9. Now, the next time I go to a certain parking garage in midtown with my camera, I know I need only pay $30 to lawfully protect my Elvis sighting. Because, and I know it sounds a little crazy, but the 4’5” tall Mexican working there really looks like the king. Especially at night, if you’re wearing sunglasses and he’s standing in a dark corner about 50’ from where you’re standing. And he’s standing sideways. With a Range Rover, Pathfinder, Honda Accord and a 1968 orange VW Bug kinda-sorta blocking your view.

Oh, and you also kinda need to squint. A lot.

Riddle me this, Batman.

What’s the proper etiquette when you’re in the shower with someone and you feel a really nasty fart coming on? Do you warn your showermate, thus giving them the option of fleeing in abject terror, or do you simply try to squeeze it out silently and pray that your soapy friend won’t keel over and fall to the bathtub floor in convulsions?

Either way, it sure is fun to blow those anal bubbles, isn’t it?!

Men, listen up.

Jumping rope can be a great way to exercise as it gives you a total body aerobics workout without the need for cluttering up your home with large, overpriced, celebrity-endorsed equipment. You’ll certainly work up a sweat if you jump rope for as little as 15 minutes a day and doing it gives your legs (calves & thighs), abdomen, chest, shoulders, back & arms a wonderful workout.

Feel the burn, baby.

However, when jumping rope all men should keep in mind that safety comes first. And no matter how convenient it might seem at the time, you should always remember to wear the proper clothing when doing your workout. Remember men, jumping rope in the nude is never a good idea. Especially when you’ve just woken up and Mr. Winky is still ‘excited’ to start a brand new day.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need some Neosporin, a flesh colored band-aid and a bucket of ice.

Beaches, barbeques and boats.

It’s a holiday weekend so I’m going on holiday. I’ll be back Monday. Try not to get into too much trouble while I’m away but if you do happen to get into trouble, don’t call me.

You see, I’ll be on holiday. So I won’t really care, now will I?

Here’s a poser.

At what age, exactly, does the human body become unable to get up from a seated position without making some sort of grunting noise? You know what I’m talking about. The “Uuunghfff!” sound that escapes unwillingly from your lips as you ponderously extract your tectonically expanding butt from the seat cushion you’ve spent the last 3 hours turning into an ass-shaped Jello mold while you were watching Trading Spaces and eating cheesy-poofs.

I mean, I can’t be that old, can I?

Just a quick note.

It is not possible, under any circumstances, to gracefully recover from a failed attempt to sip from a straw in a public space. Especially when the liquid you were attempting to sip squirts outward from your mouth and onto your new shirt because you didn’t make the proper watertight seal on the straw with your lips. It is even worse when you also have a coughing/sneezing fit due to the carbonated beverage finding its way into your nasal passages and attacking your sinuses with its deadly Bubble Explosions Of Tickling Pain. And as if all of that wasn’t bad enough, it’s even… uh, worse-er when you fail to remember to move the cup away from your face before sneezing/coughing.

Trust me on this one; a straw in your forehead HURTS.

Let me ask you a question.

Why is it that when a guy wants some sweet lovin’ it’s perfectly acceptable for his woman to say, “Not tonight, Dear. I’m too stressed/tired/angry/sad/another emotion.” and the man must let the matter drop because there’s nothing he can do or say that won’t make him sound like a sex-starved jackhole. But should a woman want some sweet lovin’ and the man says he doesn’t it is automatically assumed that there is some sort of problem in the relationship and the unfortunate man must spend the next three fricking hours ‘discussing’ all the perceived problems the woman sees in the relationship only to wind up apologizing for everything under the sun without knowing why the frick he’s apologizing or even what the fricking hell he’s apologizing for!?

Ahem. Not that that’s ever happened to me. I’m just saying, y’know?