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Living On The Edge

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   8

I’m going to try something new.

It’s been pointed out to me by several people that I write very long entries. According to those people this is sometimes ‘not a good thing’ because sometimes people just want a quickie. Something they can read, laugh at and move on from in as short a period of time as possible.

Well, la-dee-frickin-DA.

So beginning today I am creating a new category here called, ironically enough, ‘Quickie’. And to start it off, here’s today’s quickie brought to you by the letters M, G, and the color Tope Taupe.

If a woman on a popular ‘reality’ TV show declares that if a man asked two women friends to have a threesome with him he’d be surprised at how many women would say yes, it is never a good idea to turn to your fiancée and exclaim, “You mean I could have had you AND your sexy friend at the same time?!”

No good will ever come of that. Believe you, me.

No Rest For The Geeky

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Traveling •   7

I am tired.

Sick and tired. No, really. I’m sick and very, very tired. I just got back from Shanghai, after going to Barcelona and then Orlando, and all I want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep until the chorus line of 2 ton llamas behind my eyeballs decide to stop tap-dancing. Unfortunately for poor little old me, I don’t have time to rest since I have to go directly to another job today where I will most likely be shackled to my chair for long hours at a time and forced to create horrible, simplistic, menial graphic art for large sums of money.

Tragic, really.

So, as I sit here attempting to force my body to heal like some charlatan faith healer in Bumblefrick, Alabama, I thought I might as well update my web site in the off chance that someone out there was still reading it. Not that I actually think anyone ever did, it’s just that a guy needs goals, you know? Like being a fireman, or a world renowned athlete or a superhero.

Or in my case, an emotionally stunted, raving lunatic with a website. Whatever.

Anywaste, while I was away working last month I was getting calls for work all this month. And, as I am ever in need of more money, I was foolish enough to accept each and every bit of work thrown my way. In fact, my entire month of February, with the possible exception of the 15th and 16th, is booked solid.

This is a good thing.

Good because it means I might once again have money in the bank and will hopefully still have that money when my wedding rolls around and I find myself staring at the HUGE pile of bills that will be attacking me as soon as I say, “I do.” They’ll be there, hiding behind the altar or under the maid of honors’ dress, I just know it. Stalking me. Hunting me. Ready to pounce on me like a… like a… like a tiger. Like a tiger pouncing on a small and feeble forest fawn. A wounded fawn. With a broken leg. And no sense of smell. And… uh, blind. Yeah, blind. And deaf. Oh, and uh… asleep. On the ground. Uh… sleeping.

Yeah. Like that.

So, I’m going to go to bed now. I’ll be telling you all about my wild adventures in foreign lands throughout the week, but for right now all I want to do is rest. I’ve taken an Aleve Cold & Sinus tablet so I should be falling into a blissfully symptom-free sleep any second now. Yep, any second now I’ll be in dreamland.

…

Yep, just you watch. I’m going to be Slumberlands newest denizen faster than you can say, “Get well soon.”

…

Hmmm, this is taking a little longer than anticipated. But don’t you worry, I’m going to get a good night sleep if it’s the last thing I do.

…

[humming to self]

…

Dammit. I know I took the stupid pill. What does this box say? What?! NON-DROWSY!

Son of a… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Traveling Prayer

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   8

The Mighty Geek is traveling again.

Beginning January 5th and ending February 27th GeekMan will be traveling the globe for work. This is both good news and bad news. Good news, because it means that GeekMan will be earning money once again and will soon be able to regal you with new stories of his trivial travel travails and the mightily moronic mediocrity of modern man. Bad news because it also means that updates will be very scarce while GeekMan’s away.

But to some, that is also good news.

Where is GeekMan going, you ask? To foreign lands, I answer with pomposity. GeekMan will be traveling to such wondrous and exotic locals as Barcelona, Shanghai and even Orlando. There is talk of Canada, California and even the fair shores of Hawaii in his future. GeekMan is rather proud to say that GeekMan is going to all of these places for work, and thus will not be paying a frickin dime other than on the purchase of food or gifts for loved ones.

In case you’re wondering, you are not a ‘loved one’ and will receive no gifts. Yes, I’m talking to you.

GeekMan knows how wondrous and exciting this whole itinerary may sound to the uninitiated, but trust us when we tell you that GeekMan is not the least bit excited. For GeekMan knows in his tiny, cold, black and stone-hard heart that GeekMan will most likely see nothing more than the airport and his hotel room while in any of the various cities he may find himself. Unlike normal people, when GeekMan is working GeekMan gets no days off, no hour long lunch breaks and no weekends to do touristy things.

GeekMan doesn’t even get bathroom breaks.

GeekMan knows that he’ll be working 18 to 20 hour days and wishing for nothing more than a quick nap or a sharp object with which to slit his wrists by the end of the day. GeekMan will have no time for viewing the city, shopping or taking in the sights.

Pity the GeekMan, he is a slave.

To recap, GeekMan will be traveling the globe for the next two months. During this time updates to GeekMan’s site will be slow, short and possible few and far between. Hopefully, they will still be funny enough to keep your interest. In the meantime, there is only one thing left to say…

I’m going to China and Spain! WAAAA-HOOOOO!!!

My Woman Rocks

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   7

I am in Geek heaven today.

Yesterday, HoBiscuit presented me with my Channukismas gift. Originally, I was going to write a long, drawn-out, but humorous dialogue-type post about my receipt of said gift, but honestly the gift speaks for itself.

My Gift.

Does anyone out there doubt my eternal love for this woman? Not only does she buy me a gift, she buys me the most Geekiest gift of all. It’s a date book, MP3 player, video camera, still camera, voice recorder and portable gaming device all in one! When I unwrapped it my nipples got so hard, so fast; they tore a hole in my shirt.

Nearly took her eye out, I did.

The Annual Holiday Apology

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Happy Holidays. I need some sleep.

As you can all probably tell, I’ve been so busy with real life that my website has suffered. As a quick catch up, let me summarize my last few days for you in handy-dandy list format.

  • Got hired for work (yay!) for the entire month of January
  • Looked at over 12 reception sites for my wedding
  • After six years, my mother met HoBiscuit’s parents for the very first time
  • One of my credit cards was used fraudulently to, amongst other things, buy women’s underwear at a sex shop
  • Went gift shopping at a huge outlet mall with about 1 billion other people
  • I joined Michele’s new Santa Blog

Since it’s coming up to the holiday season, when I like to spend more time with my friends and family in the real world than online, I hope you’ll all understand if my posting schedule is shortened from four or five posts a week to only two or three for the next few weeks. I’ll try to post when I can, but ‘tis the season to be with family, and I’d much rather spend time with them and my friends than with this computer.

In the meantime, check out Ho-Ho-Holy S**t for some funny, R-rated fun. I’m playing Blitzen, the drunk and angry reindeer.

The Game Is Afoot!

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Poetry •   5

I have thrown down the gauntlet.

Mike and I are ‘competing’ in a Christmas Song Parody Smackdown. Now, I may have written him a little email challenge yesterday trying to taunt him into this, but I do have the utmost respect for his comedic writing skills and am honestly impressed with most of what he writes. So of course, I would never, ever liken his most recent parody effort to the cruddy, flakey, white stuff that gathers on the sides of your mouth when you’re dying of thirst. I mean, his song’s alright as far as parodies go, but definitely not his best.

To quote him, “It’s quite good, for a first draft.”

That’s why I honestly believe his latest post was simply a practice run. A testing of the waters, so to speak. I’m sure that he’s just warming up, getting ready to destroy my self esteem in one fell swoop by writing a masterpiece, but for now I’ll just fire a warning shot across his bow to see how he responds.

The Censor Song
(Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

You better watch out,
You better not lie
Better not post,
Your feelings inside
Censor yourself or you will fry

We’re reading your crap and commenting twice,
Gonna make sure your thinking is right,
Censor yourself or you will fry

He sees you as insulting,
She knows that you’re a fake,
Who knows if you’re telling the truth
So we’ll burn you at the stake!

Oh!
You better watch out,
You better not lie
Better not post,
Your feelings inside
Censor yourself or you will fry

For anyone who wants to read some of my older parodies, here’s a few.

Emulation
‘Twas The Night Before Christmas
Little Drummer Boy
The Superman Song
All-Star

The Geek Needs You… Again

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   12

Today’s humor content can be found over at Big Pink Cookie.

As for me, I’m in need of some advice. I’m currently looking for the best music jukebox software for my PC and, since I’ve never used my computer for listening to music before, I’d like your input. The things I need sounded pretty simple to me, but after looking around the web I’m no longer so sure.

And that’s where you come in.

I want you to tell me which jukebox software you use and WHY you use it. I’m looking for software that will let me rip my WAV files to MP3s at 256kbps or better, have multiple play lists (jazz, rock, dance, etc.), keep track information (artist, title, album, year, BPM, etc.), NOT take over my computer, NOT install spyware and be inexpensive or free.

It should also do dishes and be willing to rub my feet.

Leave your suggestions in the comments below. I’ll tell you all my decision later this week because I know how anxious you get when I don’t tell you about every little thing that happens in my pathetic life.

Yeah mom, I’m talking to you.

Gobble, Gobble

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Save me the wishbone!

Happy Thanksgiving to all the Americans. Happy Chanukah to all my Jewish homeboys and girls. I’m off to the GeekMan Annual Strum Und Drang Family Gathering Of Infighting, Screeching, Insults And Other Assorted Schoolyard Drama.

Otherwise known as Thanksgiving dinner.

I don’t expect to post again until Monday, so in case I don’t see you, have a good one. Or two, or three, whatever the legal limit is for you to reach the ‘I’ve had so much to drink you could set my piss on fire’ level of inebriation.

Yeah, that good.

Why Doesn’t It Happen To Me?

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Rants •   1

I’ve got a headache this big, and it’s got Format C:\ written all over it.

So, since I had to rebuild my entire PC today, thanks to the amazingly comical-in-hindsight fiasco of yesterday, I decided it was about time to install and set up my wireless network, Wacom tablet, voice recognition software and soundcard (the fabulous Terratec DMX 6Fire 24/96 for those who will care) on my new computer. I’ve spent the entire day making sure everything was installed properly and running smoothly, taking great pains to hunt for and download all the latest drivers and software updates for everything I installed. Even though I was very careful and meticulous, I fully expected that something would go wrong.

But, miracle of miracles, nothing bad happened.

And now I’m really pissed off. My computer is running perfectly, the only signs of change being the brand new, front mounted, Terratec sound recording module and the Wacom tablet. I was fully expecting something to happen, something significantly horrible to warrant a scathingly satirical post here. Something that would allow me to write such a creatively funny and vindictive diatribe that somewhere in the world the software programmer of whatever was the object of my ire would spontaneously burst into flames at the exact moment I hit the ‘post’ button in Moveable Type. But now, as I sit here typing into my perfectly functional and completely non-crashing computer, only one thought is running through my head.

I have absolutely nothing funny to say today. This frickin sucks.

Happy, Happy. Frag, Frag.

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   4

Note to self: Remember to shower

Two weeks ago I went to my local video game store and reserved a copy of what will most surely become the abso-frickin-lutely best video game of the year. It’s got guns, huge landscapes, blood, gore and even internet enabled, voice activated insults.

That’s right fellow Geeks, I’m getting Unreal Championship.

Miss Ex-Boxx is all hot & bothered and literally moaning in anticipation of having this game filling her slot. My handwritten note of challenge has been accepted by Bread and we’ve cleared our calendars for the next two to four months. So we won’t be bothered by mundane things such as working, eating, sleeping or paying attention to HoBiscuit while we slaughter each other in virtual mayhem.

Unless HoBiscuit’s wearing that cute little outfit I like so much. Rowr!

Of course, nothing will stop me from updating this site, so you don’t need to write me hundreds of thousands of “Where are you? Please update or I’ll die!” emails. I’ve got my priorities straight; I know what I have to do to keep you happy. And no matter what, I plan on doing my best to make you happy. So, without further ado, here’s some guy eating pussy.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to frag some friends. Boo-Yah!