Announcements

No Ordinary Wednesday

• by GeekMan • In Bread, Breaking News, Experiments, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Rants •   11

I’m not dead, yet.

It has come to my attention, through various IM chats, email with my virtual friends, and the tumbling tumbleweeds rolling through my server logs, that I’m not famous. No, no, don’t look so shocked. I know it might come as a surprise to some of you, but trust me when I tell you that it’s true nonetheless.

I know, I know. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

Anywaste, after talking it over with some people this morning, and thinking about it for a few hours this afternoon, I have finally come to understand what it would take for me to become a bigwig blog-type person. So, without further ado, here’s a list of what I need to do;

  • Write shorter entries
  • Post pictures of naked Boobies
  • Write more angry diatribes about unimportant minutia
  • Upload pictures of Breasts
  • Open up and tell people more about me
  • Show some Cleavage
  • Let Bread speak more often
  • Show really big Knockers in tight-fitting, wet t-shirts
  • Accept that I will not be funny all the time
  • Take pictures of small, fist-sized Boobs with erect, pencil-eraser-sized nipples and post them
  • Turn gay, or at least bi, and write about my sordid sex life
  • Boobies, Boobies, Boobies, Boobies!

Now, while I don’t have Boobies to take pictures of, or a sordid sex life to talk about, I think I might manage the other things on the list. Like making shorter entries, letting myself get angry and accepting the fact that I won’t always be funny. Like the time I peed in my friend’s pool and told everyone that the areas of warm water were due to global warming.

Sure, it’s funny now.

So, beginning tomorrow you will see a slowly evolving GeekMan website here. I’ll write shorter entries, try to reveal a little more about myself, and even do some ranting, bitching and moaning via Bread. Not everything I write will be explicitly for laughs anymore, but it will all be at least tongue-in-cheek. Things I won’t do are curse, discuss work (due to NDAs), or turn gay. Not even bi. HoBiscuit would not be amused. However, I will see what I can do about that Boobie thing.

Because, you know, they’re Boobies.

I’ve Lost My Tiny, Little Mind

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   10

I think I need help.

As I was walking down the street this afternoon, going to Gamespot to pre-order Unreal Championship, I tripped and fell down. Yeah, yeah. Bread asked the requisite, “Did you have a nice trip?” Followed by the inevitable, “See you next Fall!” I glared, he guffawed and the world continued to turn on its axis so the law of gravity could find its next victim.

I curse thee, Issac Newton. Curse.

Anywaste, the act of falling down in public is nothing new to one as Geeky as I, but what I thought to myself as I got up does help illustrate just how low this Geek has sunk. You see, as I got up and dusted myself off the only thought running through my puny skull was, “Ctrl+Z”.

Yeah, I wanted to undo my fall.

How weird is that? But then, that’s not even the worst part. You see, immediately after thinking about undo-ing my fall, I realized how silly it was. That I couldn’t undo something that happened outside of the computer in the real world. So I got up and, just as I was going to continue my walk and without realizing the irony, I thought to myself, “Guess I better ‘Ctrl+S’ before I crash again.”

Man, I think I need a shrink specializing in looney Geeks.

The New Deal

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments, Rants •   5

Not being a great follower of the political climate in Washington DC, I still managed to summon the energy to do my civic duty and even managed to suppress my gag reflex long enough to watch the election coverage on my brand-spanking new digital cable enabled TV.

Oh yeah, 346 channels and TechTV. Geek Heaven, indeed.

Anywaste, I have my political beliefs and I’ve found through the years that although I sometimes agree with one party or the other on certain issues, neither party really reflects the totality of my political beliefs. It’s been irking me for some time now that there doesn’t really seem to be a political party that truly cares about what’s best for common Americans living their daily lives first, and then the big corporations and foreign governments, in that order.

And so I’m introducing a brand new political party. The Geek Party!

The Geek Party is a brand new political party and as such, we recognize the need to explain what we stand for to our small, but growing, constituency. Below are just a few of the key issues facing the people of America today and our proposed solutions.

  • The official symbol of the Geek Party is the Scorpion. We’re nice enough when left alone, but piss us off and we’ll sting you to death and then make a nest in your empty eye socket.
  • The Geek Party believes in edjumication, because the future depends on our chill’in bein smahtah den da udder chill’in of da whorld. That’s why we support corporate sponsored schools, because although the government might not be able to pay our teachers the salaries they deserve or create smaller classes for our children, we all know deep-pocketed and morally ambiguous corporations can. Drink Coke.
  • We also believe people should support themselves after retirement because lord knows Social Security is a crock of poo. That’s why, when elected to office, our party members will put forth the ‘Cut ’em Loose’ bill. In essence, this bill states that anyone born before December 31, 1950 will receive Social Security, but those born after that date are on their own and get no help from the government. Don’t come crying to us, moron. You’re the one who didn’t save for the future.
  • We recognize that most Americans hate taxes, but we also know that without taxes we wont get rich paid. Which is why we promise that we will introduce legislation that will abolish taxes. That’s right, no more taxes, ever. That’s because we’ll be changing the name from ‘taxes’ to ‘Mandatory Government Donations’. MGDs will begin at a nationwide flat rate of 45% with a 2% increase every three years until reaching the maximum of 85%. Their are no exemptions or write-offs for anyone earning more than $250K a year and we believe that Bill Gates’ MGD alone will pay off the nations debt. See? Everybody wins.
  • The Geek Party understands that small businesses are the heart of the American economy because they drive innovation and create new jobs. This is why we promise to regulate the crap out of any company with more than 500 employees and/or generating more than $1 billion a year. The first new law; upper management only gets paid if the company turns a profit. Period. Second law; all middle managers are to be publicly executed by rubber-band-gun wielding mailroom clerks and then chopped up and fed to the homeless.
  • The Geek Party is against the departments of Defense and the Office of Homeland Security as they are now known and wishes to disband those offices and create a new, improved department for dealing with the defense of America. This new office will be known as the Department of Retaliation and Annexation. It would be the DRAs goal to kick the ass of any country or group who ever threatens the US or our interests and then take over that country or group and rule with an iron fist. The DRA’s first order of business would be to annex Canada and Mexico, rename them Hockey and Greater Texas respectively and then turn their attention towards the Middle East. It is our belief that after seeing what we’re willing to do to our allies and neighbors, those countries with a ‘beef’ against America will be properly frightened and do their very best not to piss us off. If that doesn’t work, we’ll simply send some Bloggers out there and let them decimate the countryside with their vitriolic verbosity. Pack your bags Michele and Sekimori, your country needs you.
  • We acknowledge that health care in this country is horribly ineffective, so we will introduce bills to abolish the current health care system and create a brand new system in its place. First, any drug that treats the symptoms of a disease or illness must be made freely available to any and all patients, free of charge. Only those drugs or treatments that actively cure the disease or illness may be charged for by the drug companies. Secondly; all doctors must perform a certain number of free procedures or do a certain number of hours of community health service a year based on their yearly income. This is mandatory, so suck it up, Mr. Fancy Doctor with the brand new Porsche.
  • The Geek Party also believes in saving the environment, which is why we will invest heavily in the space program. The sooner we build a space station or moon base and get all the humans off this planet, the better. Right, Mister Bigglesworth? Riiiiight.

If a specific issue that’s close to your heart hasn’t been addressed by the preceding list of the most common issues facing American voters, then please write us and we’ll do our best to ignore your question and entice you to donate to our party anyway. If you wish to join our new party then leave us a comment and a small donation of 33,529,999,999.75 Romania Lei via PayPal and we’ll be happy to keep the money.

Thank you for your support.

Where’s GeekMan?

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

Look! A weekend post!

Some of you out there in GeekLand may have noticed that my posting schedule has become a little… erratic, lately. Now, before anyone starts calling the FBI or making “Have You Seen This Geek” posters, let me assure you that I have not been abducted by aliens for use in weird and painful, yet strangely erotic, sexual experiments or anything. I learned my lesson the last time and I promise that I’ll never go walking into a crop circle wearing a silver jumpsuit with blinking lights and a big “Please Take Me Before She Finds Out What I Did!” sign.

Funny thing, they looked like llama’s with monkey hands…

Anywaste, you see, due to a recent flood of freelance work, I’ve been traveling so much and working so late that I had to postpone my cable installation until the end of the month. Since all we have is one phone line at home and I need to leave it clear during the day for work, and HoBiscuit uses it at night to call family, I don’t get to post until sometime around midnight.

And lately I’ve been a wee bit tired at right about the same time.

So, in essence, this is an apology from me to you. I know that most of you read this site out of pity and couldn’t care less if I were to post or not, but still, I feel like I’ve let you down. Starting November 4th I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule of five times a week. In the meantime, I’ll be posting here as often as I can next week, but no less than three times. That’s one more than two for you math majors out there. Now, while it’s true that four posts are possible, five is unlikely and six, well, six is right out.

And let’s just say I wouldn’t be holding my breath for seven if I were you.

My Kind Of News

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments •   3

We interrupt your regularly scheduled playtime for this PlayGround News Break…

“Good morning, I’m Johnny Livingston.”

“And I’m Suzie Kanion with today’s top playground stories. Today’s biggest story, was Mr. Gratzianni’s spelling test F-A-I-R?”

“That’s the question on everybody’s mind, Suzie. According to one source, this was “the most hardest test in the whole world.” Janie Lee, the undisputed champion of 4th grade spelling, is quoted as saying, “I can’t believe he wanted me to spell puissant! Isn’t that gross? I mean, I was fine with ‘cursory’ and even spelled ‘flagitious’ when he asked me to, but spelling a word as bad sounding as puissant was going too far! I’m telling my mom and he’s going to get fired for sure!”

“Despite repeated inquiries, PG News has not received any information regarding Mr. Gratzianni’s current teaching status.”

“Sounds like someone forgot to S-T-U-D-Y, huh Johnny?”

“Give it up already, Suzie. Janie beat you in the spelling bee last year fair and square. No need to be so mean.”

“You’re only saying that ’cause you like her.”

“Do not!”

“Do too!”

“Nyaa!”

“Nyaa!”

“Fine! Let’s just get back to the news, ok?”

“Fine. It’s your turn, poopyface.”

“Brat. Ahem. Today we have a PG News health exclusive. How you can protect yourself from the cafeteria’s recent outbreak of cooties today, and for years to come. But first, let’s get a weather and traffic report from our eye in the sky at the top of the jungle gym, Pete Vander. Petey?”

“Thanks, Johnny. Looking out over the playground, I can see nothing but sun for as far as the eye can see. The temperature is warm with a chance of hot, so hold on to your milk money. You’re going to need it.”

“Checking traffic now, I see that there’s a ten to fifteen minute delay on the slide, at least 10 minutes on the merry-go-round, but only a five to ten minute wait for the see-saw. There’s a rubbernecking delay by the tire swings where Brian and Betty are trying to kiss, so your best bet for fun right now is to head to the basketball courts and play Yu-Gi-Oh with the Geeks.”

“That’s all for now. Remember to check back for traffic and weather every school day at this time. I’m your eye in the sky, Pete Vander, now back to the studio with John and Sue. John?”

“Thanks Pete, perfect as always.”

“He’s such a cutey!”

“And you’re stupid!”

“I’m smarter than you are, Ugly Nose!”

“Are not, Four Eyes!”

“Which one of us passed the math test, huh Dummy?”

“That’s not fair! I haven’t learned fractions yet!

“Excuses, excuses. You’re just jealous, cause I’m so smart.”

“That’s it! I can’t work with this bratty girl anymore! I quit! I’m going home!”

“Baby, baby. Stick your head in gravy!”

“I’m not a baby!”

And now, a word from our sponsor.

“Do you have cooties, or know someone who does? Well, we here at Stan’s Cootie Shots Incorporated have the ONLY scientifically proven cure for cooties in the whole, wide world.”

“Hi. My name is Stan Silverberg and I may not be a doctor, but my father is. And thanks to my father’s extensive medical knowledge, and a whole lot of money, I now have the world’s only official cootie cure available to you through this exclusive PG News offer. That’s right, the famous Circle-Circle, Dot-Dot Shot is now available to you for four easy payments of 25¢! Isn’t your continued health worth the paltry payment of one dollar? We hear at SCS Incorporated think it is, so come to our offices located at lunch table next to the out-of-order boys’ bathroom and get yours today!”

“The Official Cootie shot. Don’t leave the lunchroom without it!”

I Can’t Stop Smiling

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Rants •   8

Sweet joy.

My new computer, christened ‘GunBuster’ this morning, is a fully functional thing of beauty. She’s got all 512 MB of RAM that I ordered, too. I can’t begin to explain to you how thrilling it is to turn on my computer and not need to bring a book to read while it boots up. I’m serious. I used to read a chapter each time my old computer crashed and if I needed to reconfigure something I made sure to have War and Peace handy.

Unabridged.

The only thing that gives me the willies is that due to work requirements, I had to get WinXP installed. WinXP looks ok, I guess, and everything works pretty well so far, but I hate the fact that this little balloon keeps popping up telling me I’ve only got 25 days left to ‘Activate’ my copy of WinXP. Apparently, I can do this by contacting Micro$oft and giving them full access to my computer and all of its files.

Wait, another balloon just popped up…

This one says that since I’m such a Geek, in addition to the regular electronic, internet based product activation, I also need to send a self addressed stamped envelope to Micro$soft with the following materials; my name, address, phone number, age, stool sample, DNA sample, penis size, drivers license, social security number, sexual preference, mothers maiden name, all of my credit card numbers, deed to my home or signed apartment lease, my first born child/favorite pet/sexual partner, and a signed contract stating that I have never and will never install Linux on any computer I ever purchase under penalty of death.

I must also purchase a solid gold Bill Gates idol and spend 3 hours a day licking his golden anus.

Micro$soft is quick to assure me that all of this is necessary for the stability and well being of my computer. They are only trying to protect me and others like me from unscrupulous hackers who are out to pirate Micro$oft software, and thus my personal files, in an all out effort to take over the world. Micro$oft is confident that only criminals or little mice with genius IQ’s would ever try to pirate software for such nefarious reasons, and so they know I’ll be a good consumer and do whatever they tell me to do. No matter how outlandish, invasive or downright stupid it may seem at the time.

Well, that sounds perfectly legal to me.

GunBuster!Anywaste, tonight I’m going to sit in front of GunBuster and simply bask in the glow of its (haven’t decided if it’s a girl or a boy, yet.) extra-bright, blinking, blue LED power indicators. Then I think I’ll go to bed and dream of having enough money to buy the PhotoShop and Macromedia upgrades that I so desperately want. And, just so you’ll understand how much of a loser I am, I’ve actually taken a picture of GunBuster so all of you can become properly jealous of my awesome, L337 ©0mpµ73®.

I’m such a pathetic Geek, aren’t I?

Anybody Have A Stain Remover Handy?

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life •   4

My new computer is here.

I’m so excited that I think I may need some Oxy-Clean to remove a new stain from the front of my pants. This computer looks so cool it’s like an ice sculpture. In fact, it almost looks too cool for me. But of course, we all know that’s impossible, since I’m the coolest thing since beef jerky.

Yeah, I’m all that and a side of sweet plantains.

The best part so far is that even though I didn’t order the cut-out window, firewire sockets or matching silver faceplates for the CD and DVD drives, they gave it to me. For free. The only thing is, now that it looks so good, I might need to go out and actually pay for an internal, sound activated neon light.

You know, because I’ve got the cool, cut-out window and all…

But there may be a problem with the computer. The packing slip says that there’s only 256 MBs of PC3200 RAM, but I ordered 512. Once I get this baby hooked up and everything I’ll check and make sure, but if it’s only got 256 I’ll need to call them and get them to send me the other 256. But I’m afraid that if I do call them, they’ll realize that they sent me a computer with a whole bunch of extra stuff I was supposed to pay for, and didn’t. Then they’ll send the Computer Geek Police to my house to take away my beautiful new toy.

And then I’d go to jail for murder.

HoBiscuit is resigned to the fact that she has lost me for the next few days as I play with my new toy. Setting it up and installing software won’t take so long, but I might need to spend a while just regaling in the fact that I don’t need to make myself a cup of hot chocolate between starting PhotoShop and being able to actually use it. Oh yeah, and the cable modem should be arriving on Thursday.

Oh god. I think I just stained my pants again…

It’s Blue. It’s Beautiful!

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   15

I’m back and better than before.

Unfortunately, I’ve been completely unable to make skinning work on this site in the way I wanted it to, so for now I’ve given up on making this site skinnable at all. I’m going with this new, cool blue theme for a bit. At least until I get tired of it and change it for something else I’ve been working on. Take a look around and tel me if anything’s broken or not working for you. I promise to look into any problems you might bring to my attention.

Eventually.

In the meantime, it’s back to witty and humorous stupidity here at The Mighty Geek. So sit back, grab a drink and get ready for all the good times ahead.

No, really. There’ll be good times. I promise.

Things, They Are A-Changing

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   6

One-day!
One-day!
One-day!

This weekend will mark the beginning of the Great & Powerful Website Redesign and Rededication Act of 2002 for The Mighty Geek v2.0. Due to the ongoing construction behind the scenes and out of sight of the general public, visitors to TMG may be led to believe that nothing is happening and that the proprietor has simply disappeared. The untrained web surfer may even believe that GeekMan is merely taking a three day weekend to spend time with his fiancé, and is not in fact working tirelessly on his site to better entertain his demanding and lovingly coveted audience.

Do not be fooled.

Be safe in the knowledge that GeekMan is chained tightly to his computer desk in order to meet his deadline of “sometime real soon now”. He and his kooky cadre of creepy cohorts are working night and day to make this site better than ever, or at least marginally less bad. And although GeekMan made us sign a non-disclosure agreement so we cannot give away any details of the upcoming TMG v.2, we are allowed to hint at a few things that may or may not make it into the final release.

  • A link list powered by Blogrolling.com
  • That “new web page smell” we’ve all come to love
  • Exciting new skins powered by Domesticat’s Skinning Tutorial
  • 80% less complex carbohydrates
  • A new backend that is neither Blogger nor Greymatter
  • Dancing llamas on roller skates
  • And much, much more!

The Mighty Geek version 2.0 will launch any day now. Be sure to keep your eyes on this space over the next few hours days indefinite span of time of no less than three earth days, so you can be the first to see the new and improved TMG! Don’t let your online friends be the first to see it, beat them to the punch by camping out in front of your computer monitor for the next few days and reloading TMG until something changes. It’s going to happen! We really mean it!

One-day!
ONE-DAY!
ONE-DAY SOON! Be there!