Month: March 2004

Wandering Fool

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   4

Or; The GeekMan Cometh.

I’m headed down to Orlando Florida this Sunday where I will hopefully have time to once again cause great destruction and mayhem throughout the city with my Blogging cohort Solonor The Moderately Dangerous Man-Ferret.

He’s got a utility belt and everything.

So, should you live in or near the home of a certain anal retentive mouse with a high-pitched voice, you are cordially invited to have dinner with the Geek and the… uh, Solonor which should make for an entertaining evening since Solonor truly does take after his name. And, as everyone knows, Solonor is Lilliputian for “Not of the Sun” which of course is the exact wording used by Nostradingus to describe Satan.

Anywaste, I’ll be back Wednesday. If Solonor doesn’t kill me, that is.

Going Post-Nasal

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   7

I have post-nasal drip.

Do you know what that is? Post-nasal drip is when snot drips down your throat due to leakage from the back of your nose. I know what you’re thinking, but get past the disgust factor and you know what? You’ve got an open phlegm-faucet in your throat that’s constantly pouring a fresh supply of wannabe-snot down your breathing and eating tubes.

Basically, you’re constantly eating your own snot.

Do you know how fricking annoying it is to be constantly eating your own snot? It’s not as if I enjoy it, you know. Snot is not at the top of my list of favorite foods, it doesn’t even make the top 100. I mean, when’s the last time you heard of anyone entering a fast food restaurant and saying, “I’ll have the Big Phlegm Happy Meal with a side order of Coagulated Blood-fries and a coke, please. Oh, and that order’s to go.”

Mmm-mmmm. Now that’s good eating.

Even worse than eating it though, is feeling it constantly dripping down my throat. It both tickles and repulses me every time I swallow. I find myself constantly clearing my throat in the hopes of dislodging the mucus, but no matter how obnoxiously I make the “Heh-HEGH!” noise, nothing ever comes up.

And if you think that’s bad, it’s even worse at night.

That’s because when I go to bed the slow drip becomes a fricking flood. I find myself swallowing twice as much as normal for fear of drowning on my own snot while I’m asleep. Then, just when I think I might have the whole breath/swallow ratio figured out well enough to actually sleep, the stupid snot begins drying out in my throat! That makes even breathing painful plus I start coughing as if I had swallowed a duck with bronchitis! Right now I’m so frustrated with my nasal passages that I hate them. In fact, I hate every thing today. I hate my nose, I hate tissues with aloe, I hate daytime TV, I hate people, I hate you, I hate life, but most of all I hate, HATE, HATE post-nasal drip!

Aaargh! I’m out of fricking tissues again! Damn you, poetic irony!

Super Perfect Happy FunWorld

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   2

I’m going to hell.

Most people wouldn’t look at it that way, of course, but then again most people aren’t jaded and bitter about traveling the way I am either. This weekend I’m headed down to the sunny state of Florida, where citrus fruit and neon colored houses grow like weeds. And, although I am an old and decrepit individual, I am not going down there to retire like so many other New Yorkers. Quite the contrary actually, I’m headed south for work, not pleasure.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to have fun, right?

So, once again I’m throwing my heart ego heart on the ground in the hopes someone will pick it up and show me some love. You see, I happen to know that some of my readers live in Florida, so I’m giving them all fair warning that I’m coming down so they can either pack their bags and flee the state like so many rats from the Titanic, or they can clear their schedule and plan on having a meal with the man behind the Geek.

My money’s on them running, how about you?

Voice-Less

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

I’ve lost the ability to speak.

My cold has been racing through my system, ravaging first my head with aches and pains, then my sinuses with clogging and dripping and now, finally, by attacking my throat and vocal cords with a paralyzing deluge of phlegm. No matter how many times I clear my throat I can’t seem to dislodge the cloying, silly-putty-like covering of mucus encasing it and it’s driving me crazy. Talking is impossible since no matter how hard I try all that comes out of my mouth are sounds one can only imagine might be made by a boy going through puberty trying to speak while gargling with Drain-o after swallowing an angry porcupine.

It’s also killing me how much HoBiscuit is enjoying my silence.

She keeps asking me questions she knows I want to answer; only to answer them herself in ways she knows will drive me insane. Want an example? Ok, she asks me questions like, “Would it be ok if I spent the money you were saving for the home theater’s new preamp/processor on new shoes for myself?” and then she’ll immediately answer herself in a the lowest, most manly voice she can muster with, “Of course not, Honey! You go buy your shoes because all I want is for you to be happy.” Then she just laughs and laughs and laughs until she cries. Which I guess is a good thing.

Why? Because when I remember that we’re together forever, I start crying too.

Sneezing & Wheezing

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

Stupid, stupid weather.

In case the title wasn’t enough of a hint, let me tell you all straight out that I’m sick. Apparently, while refusing to towel yourself off after a shower for fear of mind controlling rays from the government satellites in space may allow you to remember all the deep thoughts you concocted while soapy and wet, it will also lead to a runny nose, sudden chills and a tendency to sweat profusely while unable to keep warm. I hate being sick.

Can some kind soul email me some chicken soup? Please?

Medically Induced Epiphany #79834

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   4

It happens to me every morning.

You know how, when you’re in the shower, your mind seems to wander the great philosophical divide and come up with all those amazingly deep thoughts? You know, those great Questions Of Worth like, “What is the speed of darkness?” or “How do villains in movies always manage to recruit thousands of faceless henchmen who are willing to die for their cause?”

I mean honestly, they must have one heck of a good medical plan.

Anywaste, have you ever noticed that when you’re done with your shower and have dried off your fit and trim body and run to the computer to write those miraculous shower-inspired thoughts down, that you can never, EVER, remember what they were? They’ve simply disappeared, like morning mist, never to be recaptured again.

It’s enough to make you scream in frustration.

Well, I have some good news for all of you out there who suffer in silence from this great malady. I, GeekMan the Great, have finally figured out what we can do to reverse this process of epiphany-loss that is afflicting us all. It was a simple matter of carefully eliminating all external factors of influence until all that was left was the root cause of the problem. After hours of study, and over 28 showers, I have finally discovered what that root cause is.

Your towel.

That’s right, your towel. Don’t be fooled by its smooth, soft, Egyptian cottony goodness because that seemingly innocent towel is really an insidious weapon of thought control employed by the government to keep us free thinking citizens in check. Now, while I have absolutely no scientific proof to back up this theory, I do have the following observations;

  • When I am in the shower I get wet.
  • While I am wet I have thoughts of great intellectual and philosophical worth.
  • These thoughts stay with me as I exit the shower.
  • As I exit the shower I am still wet.
  • I reach for the towel to dry myself off.
  • … And a rift forms in the space-time continuum that sucks my ideas from my head and into the towel leaving only the sense of great loss behind.
  • When I leave the bathroom I no longer remember my thoughts of great intellectual and philosophical worth and I am no longer wet.

These observations can lead to only one conclusion; the water used when showering somehow interferes with the mind-numbing, thought-control rays the government is beaming down on us from their satellites in space! And that towels help reassert control over us by sucking up not only water, but our thoughts, our hopes and our dreams.

Damn you, towels. Damn you to hell.

Luckily I’ve managed to avoid the government’s insidious plot and spread the word to all of you by simply refusing to towel myself off this morning. Now, I admit I’m a little cold sitting around naked and wet while it’s snowing outside, but at least I remember what I was thinking about in the shower. And that means I’m smarter than the government, even without my tinfoil lined pants.

Wait a sec! I just remembered I forgot to take my meds this morning…

The Purple Putz

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, PhotoBloggery •   8

Sometimes words alone aren’t enough to describe a horrible injustice in the world.

Below is a picture of me from before I learned how to defend myself. It’s a picture of a time when I was under the power of a cruel and ruthless dictator known as Mother, who took great pleasure in dressing me in the latest fresh-from-the-bins-at-Woolworths fashions. Notice the perfect color coordination of my spiffy outfit, how it follows the contourlessness of my stick-like body. Don’t overlook the gayness of the wide, sharply pointed collar to accentuate the foppish color scheme of the pants that virtually scream, “Kick me, I’m a loser!”. And did you happen notice that the shirt is four sizes too large while the pants are two sizes two small? No? Well my gonads did, and they weren’t happy.

They weren’t happy at all.
Continue reading →

Fish Story #1

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, Geek Life •   3

The year is 1984.

Fishman:
“Please… Please, let me back inside. I’m cured. I swear. Please? I promise, I won’t tell mom.”

GeekMan:
“I don’t know. You don’t seem cured yet. Our remedy for your ailment might not have worked fully.”

Fishman:
“It worked. I swear, it worked.”

GeekMan:
“I’m still not convinced. What do you think, Mr. Hentai?”

Mr. Hentai:
“Nah, he still looks a little green around the gills. Maybe if we pushed a little farther..?”

GeekMan:
“Sounds like a plan.”

Fishman:
[incoherent screaming]

GeekMan:
“I’m sorry; we couldn’t make out words in that screech of terror. What did you say?”

Fishman:
*sobbing*

Mr. Hentai:
“Oh. Look. He’s crying. That’s not a good sign.”

GeekMan:
“I concur, Mr. Hentai. It’s not a good sign at all. You see Fishman, a good sign would have been if you didn’t cry. That would have meant our methods of curing you had worked and then we could’ve ended the treatment, but since you’re crying I feel that we need to continue…”

Fishman:
“Oh, god no! Please no more! I swear I’ll never bother you guys again! I swear it! I swear!”

Mr. Hentai:
“Fishman, bothering us when we’re playing Dungeons & Dragons isn’t the problem. Painting all our dice black so we can’t read the numbers isn’t the problem. Barging into the room when we’re playing ‘live action’ D&D with the two cute girls from down the block and then threatening to tell your mother what we were doing isn’t even the problem.”

GeekMan:
“That’s right, Fishman. The real problem is your mental block and we, being aspiring psychologists and psychiatrists, are merely trying to help you overcome your fears. Trust us, one day you’ll thank us for doing this.”

Fishman:
“You guys are crazy! Crazy! I’m telling mom about this and she’ll fix you good!”

Mr. Hentai:
“You will?”

Fishman:
“Yes! And she’s going to kill you both so I won’t ever have to thank you for this! You hear me?! I’ll never thank you. Never!”

GeekMan:
“Oh, I think you will. Mr. Hentai, let’s put him back outside for a few more minutes.”

Fishman:
“AAAGH! NOOOoooooo!!! I’m going to kill you both! AAaahhh!”

Mr. Hentai:
“Sigh. He certainly doesn’t sound cured of his fear of heights, does he GeekMan?”

GeekMan:
“He sure doesn’t, Mr. Hentai. It would appear that our remedy of hanging him face down out of a window by his ankles six floors from the ground just isn’t doing the trick. Maybe we should try a higher floor?”

Mr. Hentai:
“How about the roof?”

GeekMan:
“Mr. Hentai, I like your thinking.”

Fishman:
“Oh god, I think I’m going to be sick…”

To this day Fishman is still afraid of heights. And open windows.

One Of Those

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   5

Overheard conversation of the decade.

Father:
“You’re not doing well in math because you don’t apply yourself.”

Son:
“But dad…”

Father:
“Don’t ‘But dad’ me. If you don’t do well in math you’ll never get anywhere in life. Don’t you want to be smart like your dad?”

Son:
“I guess.”

Father:
“Listen to me son, because I know what I’m talking about. There are only three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can’t. Don’t be one of those, OK? OK?!”

Son:
“OK, dad. I promise.”

He promised? Promised what? Huh?! What?! What did he promise?!! What! Did! He! Promise?!?!?!?! ARGH!

*pop*

Ow. Somebody get me an aspirin and a mop please, my head exploded.

Plane Funny

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   3

Want a neat practical joke for long plane flights?

You know those hard, plastic cups the flight attendants give you for your drinks on the plane? Well, when you’re sitting next to a kid, or even a college-age person, try this bit of fun. Take the empty cup and place it in your armpit without your seatmate seeing you do it. Then, complain loudly that your neck is killing you and ask if it would be alright for you to crack it. Without waiting for an answer, twist your neck as far as you can and, just as you reach the point that it would look painful to your seatmate, crush the cup in your armpit by squeezing your arm to your side and then fall over going completely limp.

Trust me, it will look and sound EXACTLY as if you just broke your own neck.