Month: August 2005

GeekMan’s S3 – #2

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories •   1

I was an evil little man.

My younger cousin Princess, her older sister Dee, my brother FishMan and I were all playing together one day when I came up with a great way to torment FishMan and Princess while at the same time Dee and I could have fun playing with our toys without their annoying interference. In essence, I wanted to play with all the toys and the only way I could do it was to get rid of my cousin and my brother without their realizing what I was doing.

And so, together with Dee, I hatched a plan.

“Hey guys! I just thought of a great game to play!”
“What game?”
“Yeah! Tell us, GeekMan! Tell us!”
“Well, it’s a fun game but it involves acting. It might be too hard for you little kids to play so maybe we shouldn’t…”
“No fair! You always keep us from playing the fun games!”
“Yeah! You better let us play in this game or I’m telling mom!”
“Are you sure you want to play?”
“Yeah!”
“You bet!”
“OK, but don’t say I didn’t tell you it would be hard for you.”
“We can take it!”
“Anything you can do, I can do, too!”
“Alright. Here’s the rules…”
“Yay!”
“Shhhh! We have to listen so we don’t break the rules!”
“Sorry FishMan. I just got excited.”
“OK Princess, just listen close or GeekMan won’t let us play.”
“OK.”
“Are you too done? Are you sure you want to play this game?”
“We do.”
“Word.”
“Word? FishMan, did you just say ‘word’ instead of yes?”
“Yeah. I heard it at school the other day and it sounded def so I thought I’d use it, too.”
“Deaf? Like you can’t hear?”
“No. Def, as in ‘the bomb’.”
“Oh. I see. Word, huh? That’s fresh, I can dig it.”
“Word.”
“Word.”
“GeekMan, could you tell us the rules now please?”
“Sure thing, Princess. The rules are that Dee and I are going to go into the other room and close the door while you and FishMan stay here in the hallway and sit in those two chairs. When it’s your turn to come inside and join the game Dee will come out and take one of you into the other room where we’ll play. Sounds easy, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, that’s because the hardest part of playing this game is sitting out here waiting to come inside to play. You need to pretend that you’re patients waiting to see the doctor. I’m going to be the doctor and Dee is the nurse. You two are the patients, so think up some really def illnesses so we can ‘cure’ you, ok?”
“Wow! This is a cool game!”
“Yeah! I’m going to be suffering from a head wound! Like from a sword!”
“OK then, you two stay here and pretend to be sick while we go set up the other room…”
“OK!”
“Word!”
[door slams]
“Bwahahahahahaha!”

And thus, The Waiting Room Game was born.

GeekMan’s S3 – #1

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories •   3

Her name was Shirley.

Shirley owned and operated the tiny little candy/convenience store a few blocks away from our apartment that Mr. Hentai and I would visit every day on our way to school. Each and every day, as we left the store with our single piece of candy each, Shirley would remind us to hurry or we’d be late and get detention. Then she’d laugh and turn to the next customer in line.

It was the laugh that kept us coming back.

You see, Shirley was not a pretty woman, in fact you could almost say she was ugly. Overweight and under-tall, Shirley had a pockmarked face, flabby arms and hair that would make even Medusa’s hairdresser groan in agony. Plus, she smelled of sour milk and old medicine. But none of that really mattered to us.

What mattered were her giant boobies.

Shirley had boobies of a most awe inspiring size. Honestly, they were truly astonishing to behold. They were each literally as large as my entire head and when Shirley laughed they seemed to move in ways simultaneously foreign to the realm of physics and magical in nature. These whale-sized mammary glands were the only reason why Mr. Hentai and I put up with Shirley’s brusque manner, her overpriced and crappy selection of candy and even her horrid, horrid stench. It was all just to see those two massive mounds of human flesh do their mesmerizing dance of joy as she shooed us out the door.

The memory of which got me through many a boring Spanish class.

One day, as we perused the sad collection of candy on display at Shirley’s establishment, I decided to buy a package of Whoppers for my before school snack but when I reached into the box I realized that this particular package of Whoppers just happened to be the very last one on display. As I picked up the Whoppers I discovered the dried out husk of a roach sitting inside the now empty display box, looking sad and alone as I took away its very last friend. Being a child I rationalized that the candy was inside the package and therefore safe to eat, not once connecting the dead bug and thick layer of dust on the package to the length of time it might have been sitting in the display waiting for some fool child to come along and purchase its freedom. Once outside I ripped open the package and popped one of the crusty, flakey, not-quite-correct-color-for-chocolate balls in my mouth…

And bit into Chocolate Hell.

Sandy, powdery, yet still crunchy innards spilled into my mouth and down my throat as I choked on the 2,000 year old Whopper. Coughing and sputtering as if I had just swallowed the sandman’s semen I insisted that Mr. Hentai try one so he would know I was not overreacting. And idiot that he is, he did. From that day forward, Mr. Hentai and I have had a saying between us for any situation where we feel someone should proceed with caution. And that saying is;

Don’t eat Shirley’s Whoppers!

Word Shortage

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

The words get in the way.

This week is short story week here at The Mighty Geek so I’m going to try to limit my posts to under 500 words each. To the average person this may not sound that hard to do, but considering that these first three sentences of this post have already used up 77 of my allotted 500 words, well you can tell I’m going to have my work cut out for me.

Me like-y to talky.

Anywaste, there are many reasons why I’m doing this experiment this week, not the least of which is that I’m trying to write the new Adam DragonHart story for you so I can post it sometime next week. So, in order to keep my sanity, or what’s left of it, I decided that for this week, and this week only, I would try to keep my Blog posts at a minimum while still entertaining all three of my loyal fans, whom I actually have to pay to get them to visit here although they did manage to trick me into signing a “comments cost extra” clause.

Bastards.

Well, that’s all neither here, nor there and I’m sure you don’t really care. All you probably care about is that beginning tomorrow I’ll be posting a series of short stories based on my childhood memories that are sure to entertain you to no end. So pop some corn, grab a comfy chair and join me tomorrow when GeekMan’s Stupid Short Stories Week begins in earnest! Or, you could do something constructive with your life like learn a trade or raise a family.

You know, whatever floats your boat.

Geekgasm

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   4

My nipples could cut glass.

I knew it was coming, I’ve known for almost a year, but even so I’m such a fanboy that I’m about to bust a nut over the official announcement that a Halo movie is in the works. And deep down I know that even if it’s worse than the worst movie of all time (Battlefield Earth) I will still plunk down money to see it in theaters. And then I’ll buy the HD-DVD, sit in a dark room and watch it until my eyes bleed.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need a towel…

The Mighty Catastrophe

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   2

Monday was a bad day.

After writing my last post about beating the poop out of my nieces and nephews I realized that someone had been trying to hack this website through Moveable Type. Thinking that I was a clever man for discovering their clumsy attempts to hijack my virtual home, I immediately changed my password to a much stronger one and laughed at their folly as I hit the enter key.

Ten minutes later and I was no longer laughing.

The fact was that I was crying and cursing and sweating bullets as MT refused to let me back into the system, complaining to me that my user name and password were invalid. Fearing that I would lose over three years of writing due to a stupid glitch in MT, I did what any self respecting Geek would do…

I threw my keyboard at the wall and cursed the heavens above.

A few hours later, after taking a nice calming walk around my neighborhood looking for a bell tower or a book depository, I sat down and tried to hack my way into MT. Luckily for me and the young children playing in the park down the street, I found the problem and managed to get back in without losing a single entry. And what did I do to celebrate? Why, I took yesterday off and watched more anime, of course.

Hot damn, I LOVE being a Geek.

Free Beatings

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life •   Comments Off on Free Beatings

What a fun and wonderful weekend!

It’s amazing how much fun one can have beating the piss out of small children while their parents root you on to ever greater heights of child abuse. It’s even more fun when the children in question only cry when you stop beating them.

“Little Timmy, why are you crying?”
“Uncle GeekMan hasn’t thrown me into the pool in forever!”
“But he just threw you twenty feet into the deep end not five minutes ago!”
“No he didn’t.”
“Timmy, I heard your frightened scream from inside the house.”
“But he’s thrown Dave in twice since then and he made Amy bellyflop and John got so scared he peed as he hit the water and it’s not fair!”
“OK, Timmy. What if Uncle GeekMan flips you over his back and holds your head under the water until you black out? Would you be happy then?”
“Cool!”
[all other kids]
“Me next! Me next! I want to black out, too!”

Ah, the simple pleasures of life.

Vindication For The Geek

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   1

My life changed and no one noticed.

Do you know how annoying it is to read, watch or listen to something that is so amazing to you that you want to share it with everyone you know but no one else really cares about it? For example, let’s say you just saw a movie that changed your life completely, a movie so inspiring, so filled with deep meaning for you that you immediately apply its tenets to your everyday life and find yourself the better for it. Wouldn’t you want to share this life-altering movie with your friends and loved ones? Wouldn’t you want them to share your newfound joy and happiness? Of course you would.

But what if the movie in question happens to be Gigli or Battlefield Earth?

Now you’ve got yourself a dilemma. You managed to find the hidden meaning in all that garbage, only you saw the beautiful rose growing in that dirty pile of horse poop. But even as you excitedly inform your friends about what you’ve discovered, deep down you know no one else on the planet will EVER see what you saw because when they look all they see is crap. The revelation is hidden once more behind the midden heap; the flower of inspiration has died.

Well, this is how I feel today.

You see, I’ve had a few days free from work and, instead of doing anything productive with my time off (like working on a certain person’s site *cough* *cough*) I’ve been doing something FAR more important; sitting on my butt and watching anime. Hey! Before you roll your eyes in disgust take another look at the title of this website. It reads “The Mighty GEEK”, ok? And I ask you, what self-respecting Geek doesn’t like anime?

That’s right, smarty-pants. Not one.

Anywaste, over the last few days I’ve seen about 8 new-to-me anime series’, 26 episodes each, and let me tell you they rocked my Geeky world. Some of them were so good I immediately wanted to discuss them with somebody to delve the deeper meanings behind certain characters’ motives, or to affirm my own understanding of what might have happened during an unexpectedly convoluted part of the storyline. I was excited; my imagination was running rampant in my head, I kept on dreaming up new plot twists and imagining new adventures for the characters to go on after the close of the show. I was thisclose to calling HoBiscuit to talk about a particularly stirring show I had just seen when I came to my senses and remembered that she doesn’t care about anime like I do. So I decided to call someone else who I could talk about this show with and I picked up the phone and…

Remembered that no one I know cares about anime.

So, here I am nearly bursting with enthusiasm for something that I enjoy so much that I can barely contain my need to share it with others, and yet I’m unable to find anyone to share my joy with. I know most people out there hear ‘anime’ and can’t get past Pokemon, Dragonball Z or some other horrible Saturday morning cartoon, but that’s not what anime is to me. Sure, I could throw out the usuals, like Akira, Ghost in the Shell and Princess Mononoke, but everyone knows those and they’re not even the best out there.

Not by a long shot.

I mean, I could espouse the virtues of comedic gold like Ranma or Golden Boy, or I could tell you how bitter sweet Fruits Basket or Gunbuster is, but you wouldn’t care. I might tell you that if you love action you’d enjoy Ninja Scroll, or that if you like spy movies you’d get a real kick out of R.O.D., but you’d probably nod your head politely and tune me out.

But that’s ok, I’m used to it by now.

I’m just a Geek, a guy who likes his anime, so it’s alright when other people ignore me when I’m talking about the newest anime I’ve seen. It’s fine when everyone else in the room rolls their eyes when I spend half an hour describing the amazing artwork and intricate plot of some new anime movie I got straight from Japan. It doesn’t bother me.

Nope, it doesn’t bother me at all.

That’s because I know that a year from now, maybe even in as little as a few months, all the people ignoring me today will probably be enthusiastically discussing the exact same show I’ve been trying to tell them about all that time. Why? Because it’s being shown late at night on Adult Swim, they Tivo’d it, watched it one day when they were bored and now believe it’s the greatest thing since sliced cheese. And I’ll just sit back with a smug smile on my face and tell them all about the next great anime show they’ve never heard of.

And they, as usual, will ignore me.

Life Happens

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

But I know you don’t care.

So, instead of reciting to you the actual laundry list of boring, mundane things I did this weekend, I thought it would be more fun to tell you all the things I imagined I did this weekend. You know; all the adventures I went on in my head while I waited in line at Macy’s for HoBiscuit to finish shopping so I could give her back her purse.

Because I’m a real man, that’s why.

I’m not doing this simply as a writing exercise due to my inability to come up with any real content today either, even though it might seem that way at first. I’m actually doing this in the hopes of improving male/female relationships of the future. Honestly, I am. Because women always seem to think that men have deep, relationship centered thoughts at all times and so, when they ask a man what he’s thinking they’re always, ALWAYS, disappointed when he answers, “Nothing”.

And trust me ladies, it’s always ‘nothing’.

So, here’s just a few of the random thoughts that went through my head while walking through a mall with my lovely wife, HoBiscuit. Just to keep it interesting, I’ve tried to write them in the order they came into my head at the time. So, without further ado, here are the Random Daydream Meanderings of a Man Called GeekMan.

  • I hope we don’t go to Macy’s.
  • Dammit.
  • Spray me with that and I’ll kill you so dead your children will be stillborn.
  • Lady, you need a fashion intervention.
  • People wear that? In public?!
  • Why do I always have to hold the purse?
  • Woah! What does she have in here, limestone blocks?!
  • Don’t look at me, man. It’s not my purse.
  • That’s right, walk away or face my secret mad-kung-fu skilz.
  • Hmph. I coulda kicked his ass.
  • If there was a fire, could I save HoBiscuit and those kids over there before heroically succumbing to smoke inhalation?
  • What if it was an explosion?
  • Boring.
  • Is it really possible to outrun a fireball?
  • What if I had on my good sneakers?
  • Nice boobies.
  • Ok, so I save everybody from the explosion, but I still need to find the bad guy and terminate him.
  • That guy looks like a mad genius; he’ll be the bad guy.
  • If I concentrate really hard, I bet I could break a brick with my finger.
  • So I’m fighting through the horde of gun toting thugs to reach HoBiscuit and free her before the mega-bomb goes off when…
  • Stilettos and a bikini equals – H. O. T. HOT!
  • How can she come out empty handed? She went into the dressing room with ten different shirts!
  • Nice boobies.
  • Stupid malls.
  • Why aren’t there any anime stores here?
  • Dum, dum, la, la, la. Dum, dum, la, la, la.
  • So, if I had too, how would I get from this level to the first level to fight a ninja?
  • I have got to get a grapple hook gun.
  • Heh, I can see her butt crack.
  • This mall sucks.
  • Mmmm! Free pretzels!
  • Victoria’s Secret, dead ahead!
  • Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.
  • THIS is where the ninjas should attack me.
  • Please lord, make HoBiscuit buy this…
  • Dammit.
  • Hot dog! A French maid outfit!
  • Lord, I’ll be your best friend if only…
  • Dammit.
  • Heh, mannequin boobies.
  • I did NOT just get caught staring at a mannequin’s boobies by a group of teenage girls.
  • Alien invaders, if you’re out there, take me. Now.
  • Everybody was kung-fu fighting, those guys were fast as lightening…
  • Note to self; buy a collapsible pole axe.
  • I like cheese.
  • Nice boobies.

Adam Who?

• by GeekMan • In Bread, Contests, Experiments •   2

Not enough.

That’s what I have; not enough. Although I’ve recieved a nice amount of sentences from you, there just aren’t enough of them for me to make a new story out of. I need more. More. More. More.

How do you like it? How do you like it?

In an effort to get you lazy bums off your collective rear ends and send me your wackiest sentence so I can write another stupid story for your entertainment, I’ve decided that I have no other choice but to threaten you. And so, without further pomp or circumstance, here he is; Bread.

“…”
“Well?! Don’t just stand there, say something!”
“No.”
“What?!”
“…”
“You’re embarrassing me.”
“What? You think I give a flying frick about your stupid contest, numbnuts?”
“But… but you said you’d help me out!”
“And you said there’d be tacos. And unless my eye has another yeast infection, I don’t see no tacos. No tacos, no threats.”
“I’ll make them after you tell these people to write me a sentence!”
“And I’ll threaten these losers after I’ve eaten my damn tacos.”
“No tacos until you threaten them!”
“No threats until I get my tacos!”
“No tacos till threats!”
“No threats till tacos!”
“Threats first!”
“Tacos first!”
“Argh!”
“Grarg!”
“…”
“…”
“So, ah… I guess that shows you people who wears the pants around here. So get writing or Bread will… uh, chastise you… by, uh… eating all you tacos?”
“Ooo, you really showed them. I bet they’re all shaking in their little booties.”
“Shut up, Bread. You know, all you ever do is embarrass me in front of my friends.”
“Liar. You have no friends.”
“Sigh. I guess I’ll make you your tacos now.”
“Nevermind. Your tacos suck anyway, let’s order Chinese instead.”
“I hate you.”
“Right back at you, jackhole.”
“Somebody kill me.”
“Hey! That’s not too bad!”
“What are you talking about?”
“You still want me to threaten these guys?”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure I like that look in your eye…”
“Stop being such a wimp. You want those sentences or not?”
“I guess…”
“Fine. Here goes…”
“Hey! What are you going to do with that knife?”
“Hey losers! Send in your sentence by 10pm Monday or GeekMan dies.”
“Bread! This isn’t funny!”
“Bub, unless the next thing out of your mouth is ‘General Tso’s chicken’, you won’t last ’til Friday. Kapeesh?”
[whimper]