Month: June 2004

Reason In Rhyme

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments, Moving, Poetry, Traveling •   1

Dear Minions,

I understand that it’s Sunday
And yet, I’ll post this anyway
To heck with rules is what I say
When GeekMan is not here to play

My mind is lost, it’s gone you see
I’m driving friends down to DC
I offered up my SUV
To help them leave New York City

Try not to fret, or weep, or cry
For GeekMan did not up and die
I have not been poked in the eye
Or made into Sweeney Meat Pie

I’m just a Geek who’s strong, like ox
Which means I’ll lift a heavy box
While my friends who’re smart, like fox
Eat bagels, cream cheese and some lox

So for a week and then a night
There will be no updates to this site
Monday the 5th is when I’ll write
Later!
Love,
The Geek of Might

Learning Is FundaMENTAL

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   4

Continuing education courses I’d love to take.

Death Shadow Kick
Students will learn the secret techniques of Death Shadow Kicking as taught by Master Shuh Hua “Pookie-Bear” Lin. Involves strenuous physical and mental exercise (students should be in peak physical shape), intense concentration and a willingness to instantly kill your opponent with one kick. Students must have credit in Master Shuh’s King Kong Palm and Stealthy Finger Of Death classes or similar experience.

Intro to Modern Slang
In this introductory class, students will learn the proper usage of a large vocabulary of modern slang used by the kids of today on the streets and in the Hood. The classes Running For Your Life In The Ghetto and Introduction To Avoiding An Ass Whooping are prerequisites for this course. It is also recommended that prospective students take a few First Aid or nursing classes.

Advanced Tax Avoidance 101
Students will be taught the most effective methods of avoiding the tax man in America. From declaring yourself a priest of your own religion to setting up a non-existent dummy corporation to simply moving all your assets overseas, this class will teach you the fundamentals of not only keeping more of your money, but doing it in a perfectly legal and untraceable way. Taught by Professor Jeffrey “What A Country” Skilling, students should be willing to travel incognito to foreign shores for ‘special’ on-site lessons.

Advanced Manly Gadget Purchasing Techniques
Students will learn how to research, compare and purchase the newest and best gadgets on the market today… and tomorrow. From surfing the gadget websites to in-store, pimply-faced, stock boy questioning techniques, to getting approval for the purchase from your significant other, this course will cover it all. Mandatory prerequisites include: Making Friends With Annoying Nerds & Geeks For Fun And Profit, Advanced Bargaining, and How To Bribe Your Wife With Guilt Without Getting Caught.

Got any suggestions?

Heavenly

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Fabulous!

Today is Designer Guys day on the Discovery Home Channel. I’d write something witty and self depreciating here about my unhealthy infatuation with this show, but I’m too busy taking notes to find the time to beat my emerging feminine/homosexual side back into submission. Have I mentioned that I’m thinking of painting the bedroom ‘lavender star’ and the kitchen ‘spring melon’?

I think I need an intervention.

Grandfather’s Big Day

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   4

It sounded like such a good idea.

For Fathers Day my mother, brother and I decided it would be nice to take my grandpa out to lunch. The place we picked was a hip little eatery in Brooklyn that served wonderful food and had a great atmosphere, all of which was completely wasted on my grandpa because all he cared about were the very pretty waitresses and fashion model-esque hostess.

From the moment we entered I knew there’d be trouble.

Hostess:
“Welcome to _____. How many people in your party?”

Grandpa:
“There’s five of us now, but if you’re free I can get rid of the other four.”

After gracefully recovering from this full frontal attack, the hostess showed us to our table where my Grandpa shifted his leering sexual harassment from the hostess to the waitress without even batting an eye.

Waitress:
“Hi, my name is Cassandra. Would you like me to tell you our specials?”

Grandpa:
“How about showing us?”

Waitress:
“I’m sorry, what was that?”

Grandpa:
“Well sweetheart, you look mighty special to me and since it’s Father’s Day how about giving me a little something ‘special’ that’s not on the menu?”

Unable to respond to this, the waitress leaves the table while we berate my grandpa for his horrible manners. Pleading old age and then looking at all of us with a hurt, puppy-dog face, grandpa sulked until the hostess, who was forced to wait on us herself when the waitress refused to come back, came over to take our order. For this next bit, please picture a hot, sexy blonde girl in her early twenties wearing a red velvet dress that barely covers her butt. She is standing at the head of the rectangular table with my grandpa to her immediate left.

Hostess:
“Thank you for your orders. Is there anything else I can do for you until your food is ready?”

Grandpa:
“Could you pass me the salt?”

Hostess:
“Uhm… ok…”

Hostess begins to walk around table to get salt.

Grandpa:
“No sweetheart, not like that. How about staying where you are and just leaning across the whole table to get it?”

Hostess:
“What? But that would…”

Grandpa:
Leering grin of deviancy.

Hostess [realizing what she’s wearing]:
“Oh my god, you are so naughty!”

Grandpa:
“You think so? Well then, I guess you should spank me.”

GeekMan:
“Uhm, your tip is going to cost me a fricking fortune, isn’t it?”

Hostess:
“Oh, hell’s yeah.”

My Day

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life •   8

Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Frustration.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Crisis.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic.

Crisis averted.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off.

Crisis.

Work. Work. Work. Sweat. Work. Cry. Work. Whimper. Work. Pray. Work. Plead. Work. Pray. Work. Work. Poo bricks. Work. Spaz out. Work. Work. Whimper. Work.

Crash.

Curse. Swear. Curse. Reboot. Curse. Curse. Blaspheme. Curse. Curse. Curse. Swear. Curse. Curse. Sweat. Curse. Curse. Curse. Pray. Curse. Pray. Curse. Curse. Curse. Curse. Cry. Curse. Curse. Curse. Blaspheme. Curse. Reboot. Pray.

Fix.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Workworkworkworkwork.

Crises averted.

Relief. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Work. Work. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Work. Work. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo.

MAJOR CRISIS.

Work. Work. Work. Curse. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Blaspheme. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Cry. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Whimper. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Workworkworkworkwork.

Death defy.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Surf. Work. Work. Work. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog.

Halo.

Where’s My Cane?

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

Thump, thump, thump, thump!

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Stalking.”
“Stalking?”
“Yeah, stalking. You know, like a lion on the hunt?”
“A lion. On the hunt.”
“Exactly.”
*sigh*
“What?”
“We’re supposed to be putting the hurt on this guy, not ‘stalking’ him.”
“Oh, no worries there man, I’ve got a plan.”
“You have a plan? This I’ve got to hear.”
“Ooo, sarcasm. Did you learn that in drama class, or did you think it up all on your own?”
“I’m going to hit you…”
“Fine, fine, I’ll tell you. No need to get so grumpy.”
“I ain’t grumpy, I’m just a little tired. I didn’t have a good night’s sleep last night.”
“Maybe it’s all the snoring.”
“For the last time, I do NOT snore!”
“OK, OK, you don’t snore. But if you did, and I’m not saying you do, I’m just saying if you did, you might want to try one of those nose strip thingies. I hear they really work wonders…”
“…”
“What?”
“Now I’m getting grumpy.”
“That’s not good for your mental and emotional well being. Maybe you should take one of those emotional stabilizer-type drugs or something…”

*SMACK*

“Ow! You are grumpy!”
“If you don’t tell me your stupid plan soon I’m going to get even grumpier.”
“Fine. My plan is to wait until he’s busy doing something physically strenuous and then give him the once over. This will serve the dual purposes of maximizing his feelings of pain and discomfort whilst decreasing our pain inducing efforts thus making the Brain even happier.”
“…”
“What?”
“You know something? That’s actually a good plan.”
“You really think so?”
“Yes, I believe I do.”
“Well then, do I have permission to be proud of myself?”
“Yes, you do.”
“Then I shall now preen and look smug.”
“…”
“…”
“Are you finished?”
“A moment more…”
*sigh*
“OK, now I’m done.”
“Thank you. So, what are we supposed to be waiting for him to do before we put this plan of yours in action?”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking it would be best to wait until… LOOK!”
“What?!”
“He’s going to try to lift that heavy suitcase and carry it up the stairs! This is perfect! We should do it now!”
“What, right now?”
“No, even better. Let’s wait until after he’s picked up the heavy bag and is about halfway up the stairs.”
“Oh. Oh! That’s perfect! He’ll never see this coming.”
“OK, he’s got the bag and is heading for the stairs. On the count of three. One… Two…”

This is what ran through my mind as I tumbled down the stairs after my right knee gave out while carrying a heavy bag this afternoon. I can only imagine that my brain is now laughing at me as I moan and groan my way around my apartment trying hard not to us my knees when I walk. Or when I sit down. Or stand up.

Getting old sucks ass.

My Goodness

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Home Ownership •   6

I’m feeling pretty good right now.

HoBiscuit and I closed on our very first apartment yesterday and we couldn’t be happier. I mean, we’ve sold off all of our blood, replacing it with Fluffer-Nutter in order to make the final down payment, but still we think it was worth it. Especially around snack time when we use small knives to cut ourselves and bleed onto toast and crackers.

Mmmm, love that Fluffer-Nutter goodness…

Now that we have our very own place to live however, we’ve found that it just doesn’t look or feel exactly the way we KNOW it could look and feel with a little remodeling. Especially the kitchen, which is soooo small that we won’t both be able to work in it at the same time without one of us crawling into the oven to let the other pass by.

Just guess who’ll be getting into the oven.

Anywaste, we’ve decided that the best thing to do is remodel the kitchen and leave the rest of the place alone for now. Mostly because after checking our nonexistent budget and exploring other methods of raising cash we’ve come to realize that selling off body parts no longer brings the premiums they once did, which means we can’t afford to do anything but the kitchen until the market price of human spleens goes back up.

Damn you ebay.

All of which brings us back to yesterday’s question. Everyone assumed I was asking if it was better for a PERSON to look good or to feel good, when I was really wondering if it was better for a PLACE to look good or to feel good. See? I can be clever and enigmatic with the best of them. Face it, I’m smarter than any of you and you’re all feeling inferior to my obviously greater intelligence! I’m a genius living amongst cavemen! I’m like a virtuoso stuck in a polka band, an Einstein forced to ride the short bus, or a Picasso made to paint Pokemon cards!

…

Why are you looking at me like that?

*smack!*

Ow!

See?! This is exactly why I don’t talk at parties.

My Problem

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Traveling •   6

Yesterday my computer died and I lost my post. I’m trying to rewrite that post but in the meantime here’s something to keep you busy.

Facts;

  • While traveling to California I was “accidentally” hit on the back of the head with a cane by an old lady trying to stuff an entire body-bag full of knitting materials into the overhead bin above my seat.
  • While in California two very polite police officers kindly explained to me that people do not jaywalk to cross a street. As an added bonus, I was given a piece of paper as a ‘souvenir’ to help me remember this life lesson in the future.
  • While driving the roads of California I discovered that Californian maps lie. For what seems like a fairly straight road on a map will be discovered as being a twisting, narrow, dizzying and dangerous Highway Of Madness, also known as Highway 1.
  • While in California I discovered, much to my dismay, that I am no longer impervious to sunshine. Whereas on the east coast I used to be able to lay all day in the sun without fear of a burn or even any type of significant tan, in California I seem to be unable to spend more than 30 seconds out of doors without looking like I’ve been covered in orange paint and dipped into an industrial deep fryer.
  • Before vacationing in California I had a wife who was excited to visit ancient caves, climb tall mountains and walk forest trails. After vacationing in California I have a wife who has discovered she is afraid of the dark & enclosed spaces, who feels faint at the thought of climbing stairs past the second floor of an apartment building and who loves nature only when viewed in air-conditioned comfort through car windows while going 55mph.
  • Contrary to commonly held easterner beliefs, the west coast is not always warm. It would have been nice to know this before I packed my suitcase full of sexy, super-tight weightlifter shorts and spandex wifebeater t-shirts.
  • In California almost everyone is a plastic surgeon or has had plastic surgery. I know this because as I walked the streets in the above mentioned outfits I was accosted by every third person I passed and told that they, or someone they knew, could help me with my “little problem”. Usually through an implant or attachment.
  • In New York, should a local tell you to walk a seemingly long distance to a destination, one can walk the 30 blocks without thinking of it as being too far or too difficult. In San Francisco, should a local tell you NOT to walk the three blocks to your destination, one should immediately jump in one’s car and drive there instead of attempting to walk the three vertical blocks. This is because when you wake up in the hospital after your heart attack you will be ridiculed for the rest of your life.
  • In California I met two wonderful and charming people who were nice enough to overlook my inherent Geekiness and talk to me without projectile vomiting on my ugly face. They kept up this charade of touchy-feely, good-natured comradeship almost all day. However, as HoBiscuit and I were leaving it was entirely unnecessary for one to turn to the other and stage-whisper, “Thank god they’re leaving! If I had to spend another minute with that ugly, stupid, stuck-up jackhole I think I would have died. As it is, I think I should take a Liquid Plumber bath to wash the touch of his filthy eyes off my body.”

After careful examination of these facts, I believe I have discovered what the greatest problem in my life is;

My problem is California.

It’s California’s fault that my life is so pathetic. It’s California’s fault that my computer froze up yesterday and caused the loss of my Greatest Post Ever™. California is the root of all evil in the world, California is slowing down the closing on my new apartment, California gave me this paper cut on my finger and California makes my anus bleed when I wipe too hard with industrial-grade toilet paper. California is my Kryptonite, my super-powered arch nemesis and my personal anti-christ all rolled into one.

But damn, it’s beautiful out there.