Voices In My Head

OK. I’m home, now what?

Well Me, we could always finish that new site redesign we’ve been working on for the last month. It’s almost all done, just a few tweaks left, and all we really have to do is upload the new graphics and style sheet. But we both know we won’t do that, don’t we? Too much like real work for our lazy ass, isn’t it?

Shut up, Self.

Awwww. Did I hurt someone’s feelings? Are we going to cry now? Huh? You wanna cry? Go ahead and cry you simpering wimp. I can’t wait to tell Bread how much of a pus…

Shut up! Dammit, I need a new inner monologue.

Quit complaining. I’m the best you can afford so suck it up and deal. Since you didn’t like my first suggestion, how about we do something else? Something that is fun, monotonous, time consuming and doesn’t take any real thought to accomplish?

Ex-Boxx?!

Not quite. I was thinking more along the lines of personal grooming. Off the top of my head, how about clipping our nails? You know, our toenails are getting just a little long. In fact, the only reason we aren’t in an airport security holding cell right now is that our left pinky toenail is technically 1/9th of an inch less than the requisite 3” necessary for confiscation.

Well, they did let me through, didn’t they?

Yeah, but only after they gave you that full body cavity search. Without using any lubricant and in full view of the entire airport. Come to think of it, wasn’t there a really attractive brunette standing nearby watching the whole thing and laughing?

Well, she didn’t help things when she pointed at my crotch and screamed, “I didn’t know they could shrink!”

Ah. Yes, that was a little embarrassing, wasn’t it? But isn’t it funny how she turned out to be your seatmate for the entire trip back home? And I thought it was really quite clever of her when the flight attendant came by with the peanuts and she offered to give you hers because, ‘it looked like you can use all the nuts you can get.’

Argh. Must you bring that up again?

Now, and at least once a week for the rest of our life, buddy.

Dammit.