Things To Do When Bored #429

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   44

Originality is overrated.

This was originally posted in September 2001 but has since disappeared from my archives. Luckily, I managed to find a draft of it on my computer yesterday and so I now present it to you again in its entirety.

I hope to god it’s still funny.

—

I was so bored last night that I decided to do some self-mutilation using a pair of nail clippers and a very sharp, pointy-type bottle opener. Some people would have called what I did a poor man’s manicure, but with all the pain and blood and crying like a little girl, I prefer to call it an initiation rite for masochists.

Either that or I’m just a schmuck.

How do people do this to themselves on a regular basis? Granted, I didn’t have the proper tools for the job and the bottle opener I used was a little on the rusty side, but the basic idea is the same. Trim your nails with a nail clipper and use a small, sharp object to scrape off your cuticles. It didn’t seem that difficult at first, but when I found myself curled up in a ball sobbing for my mommy on the floor of the living room I realized that I may have made a slight error in judgement. It seems I just didn’t have the necessary hand-eye coordination for this delicate personal grooming procedure which explains why my internal monologue went something like this;

Hmmm. This isn’t so hard. I don’t know why people pay to… yow! That’s going to leave a mark. Concentrate GeekMan, concentrate. Just scrape along the… OW! That was painful. Well, let’s try to avoid doing that again, shall we? OK. Moving on to the pointer finger we’ll just slowly… Damn! Stupid bottle opener. Who’d have thought there would be this much blood from such a tiny, little hole? K, let’s try the middle finger… Ow, owowowowow. What am I doing wrong here? Maybe I shouldn’t be going so deep under the skin with this thing? Maybe I should get some Band-Aids. Funny, it seems to be getting darker all of a sudden. Wow, that’s a lot of blood. I wonder where it came from? Look at all the pretty lights… What’s that rushing noise…?

I don’t remember much after that.

I guess that for some reason last night I thought this would be a quick, easy little procedure that I could do during a CSI commercial break and still have time left over to make some peanut butter cracker snacks. Oh, I just love those peanut butter and cracker snacks. You know, they’re like Ritz bits but you make them yourself? You just smear some peanut butter between two Ritz crackers and off you go.

It’s like a parade for your mouth.

If you’ve never tried this delicacy then you’ve obviously never been to Wolfgang Puck’s place for Monday Night Football. The Puckster (yeah, we’re that close) even makes his own peanut butter by crushing the peanuts between his well developed butt-cheeks. If he’s in a really good mood he’ll cut the crackers into little footballs and helmets before serving them to his guests. Unfortunately, whenever his team scores a touchdown he throws his cutting board on the floor and does a victory dance on the kitchen counter.

He can be such a tool sometimes.

Anyway, in retrospect I guess using a sharp, pointy object on my delicate fingers wasn’t such a smart thing to do. After a little research I found out that most of the cuticle-scraping devices are blunt instead of sharp, which only makes sense because then it’s much less likely that you’ll pass out from blood loss. Right now, my fingers look like teats for starving vampire babies and I have an almost uncontrollable urge to drink about thirty gallons of orange juice. I might need to call Billy Mays and order some Oxiclean to get these stains out of my shirt, but no matter how much I clean the bottle opener; I don’t think I’ll be using it to open anything ever again.

And people say I don’t learn from my mistakes. Sheesh.

44 Comments

  1. You should let the ho-biscuit do all finger grooming… Lots less blood loss involved that way, and she gets a sense of accomplishment.

  3. You are the biggest loser i have ever heard of get a life and live in it as a normal person alright?

  4. Lol, been there done that! I don’t have cuticles, I always cut them off. And if one grows back, I simple cut it off with scissors. But the fun way is with a CD!

  6. you are the dumbest fucking bitch in te entire world. why did u even post this. it doesnt even have a point you fucking dick.

  10. Seek proffesional help. self mutilation is not the best way to relieve bordum. how were you able to type(or even move)after you did this?
    (by the way peanut butter and crackers are good!)

  15. dude you got some major ass issues…but i like you cracker idea…you know you could make a lot of money doing that…or not..?huh?..i dont know what i’m saying..or is it typing? oh i dont know anymore…someone save me!!!

  16. lol, I love your writing technique. I’ve no idea why some people told you to get a life… you’re so cool! I wanna be just like you, man!

  21. It is sad, my friends. It is truly sad. I cannot imagine a more melancholic situation. Me – sitting here, in a foreign country, reading all this from beginning to end. And I mean the half witted comments too. I should be with a luscious woman having passionate sex. Yet I am not. And why is that, you might ponder – I am quite clueless. It might be the fact that I currently do not posses a cell-phone. Yes, a lame excuse indeed. Let me conjure a more acceptable one. I am frighteningly stunning to such a degree that women are scred to approach me. Yes, that should work. I’ve been told that several times. I shall commence believing that from now on. Allright then. Carry on with you pathetic computer driven lives. I’m going somewhere where my writing would actually be appreciated. Not quite sure where that is yet but still.Good Bye!!
    (BTW, I am also know as Stuwe form The Family Guy show.. yes… ough!! Nevermind!!!! You blistering idiots!!)

  24. Ive burnt ants with a magnifying glass but it is more fun to feed them yeast. They walk around and then explode.

  28. Your a fucking freak…..How can people even laugh at this?! Let alone
    piss there pants??? Man have you ever considered getting on any kind of medication? seruisly.

  32. Haha. Very funny. And why do all these people think other people need professional attenion for doing stuff like this?… Some people just dont know how to have fun. And, I heard fom somebody… No names… that the bottle opener works better on the noenails. I dont know though, Thats just what i heard.

  34. what the fuck was that all about, but i the ant thing seems like gd advice, thnx for that

  36. hey i do some crazy shit when im real bored but …..this one takes the cake. Keep doin what u doin but don’t kill urself, aight
    later

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