Vive La Résistance!

Allergies can kill.

There I was, lying on my right side in bed this morning, when I felt the sudden urge to roll over and sleep on my back. Thinking nothing of it my brain, known to the rest of my body as the Big Boss, composed a message, the content of which can be summed up as ‘roll over, you lazy bastard’, and telegraphed it to my spine. My spine, the malleable, jellyfish-like wimp that it is, relayed the message to the various parts of my body that would need to expand, contract or flare in pain in order to roll me over. Receiving the message to commence rolling, all my body parts worked in unison to complete the task set before them and lo, I rolled over.

There was much rejoicing.

However, unknown to my brain, there was a treasonous malcontent in the ranks. Working in secret, this body part had concocted a plan with which it hoped to overthrow the reign of the totalitarian fascist known as the Big Boss. Its plan was a simple plan. In fact, the plan was so simple and so crazy that it just might have worked.

It would try to drown the Big Brain.

While I had slept that night, this body part had worked overtime to create and store as much liquid as it could possible hold. It found nooks and crannies within itself never before explored and filled them all with liquid. Biding its time, it worked tirelessly on its master plan waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

And that moment was now.

As my body came to rest on my back, my nose opened the floodgates of my sinuses and a veritable tsunami of mucus rolled down my nasal passages. Everything in its wake was washed along with it as the rolling sea of watery phlegm drained from my nose. My nose had executed its plan perfectly and had the Big Boss been located in my nasal passages or my sinuses then he would have no doubt been destroyed, leaving my nose the sole ruler of the Body of Geek. Unfortunately, my nose’s plan had one fatal flaw.

The nasal passages don’t lead up to the Big Boss. They lead down.

In fact, they lead to my throat which in turn leads to my stomach and/or lungs depending on which I needed to use. And since I was asleep and breathing at the time of the ill-fated attack, I found myself rudely awakened by my sudden inability to breathe due to the introduction of three milliliters of mucus into my lungs. And believe me, no matter what someone might tell you, being able to make mucus bubbles when you cough isn’t nearly amusing enough to make almost drowning in your own snot a worthwhile experience. Its treasonous activity discovered, my nose was chastised with a Kleenex flogging until it bled while the Big Boss looked on in smug satisfaction.

However, I now believe a splinter faction of the resistance lives on in my itchy, scratchy eyes.