The following conversation took place at 4am a few weeks ago. The entire conversation lasted less than one minute.
HoBiscuit: “Wake up, GeekMan!”
GeekMan: “What?! What?! Is the house on fire? Quick, grab the left front speaker of the VEHTS and I’ll grab the right!”
[holding back tears]
HoBiscuit: “How could you just leave me there? You let me drown! And you ran off with… with… her!”GeekMan: “I what?”
HoBiscuit: “You know what you did!”
GeekMan: “I know I was sleeping…”
HoBiscuit: “How could you sleep after letting me die? You don’t really love me!”
GeekMan: “But honey, you’re not dead.”
HoBiscuit: “Don’t patronize me! You sound just like the captain.”
GeekMan: “Captain?”
HoBiscuit: “Of the ship! The one who performed the ceremony.”
GeekMan: “What ceremony?”
HoBiscuit: “It doesn’t matter now, I’m dead and you’re with the waitress with the big, fake boobies!”
[rubbing temples]
GeekMan: “Wait, I don’t understand. What happened?”HoBiscuit: “You’re so stupid. I hope you’re happy.”
[HoBiscuit falls back to her pillow and is immediately asleep]GeekMan: “Honey? Sweetie? What the hell was that all about?”
[HoBiscuit rolls over, snuggles up close and gives GeekMan a kiss on the cheek]
HoBiscuit: “I love you, too. Goodnight.”GeekMan: “Holy crap, I’m marrying a psycho.”
GeekMan spends the next hour praying to every deity he’s ever heard of that HoBiscuit will not remember anything about her dream when she wakes up. He also mentally calculates how far away he could get if he should pawn the engagement ring and make a run for it. Sighing in resignation to his fate, he concludes that however far he gets, it will never be far enough. That night GeekMan dreams of being chased around a cruise ship by big, fake boobies with long, sharp, pointy teeth.
And HoBiscuit just laughs at him as she makes out with Captain Stubing.
Thats not so bad. At least she didnt break out the fish paste and the bowl of hungry piranah.
I would start hiding all the large knives out of the house and start taking HoBiscuit out for dinner more often. You know, just in case she starts dreaming that she’s Lorena Bobbitt.