Reason In Rhyme

Dear Minions,

I understand that it’s Sunday
And yet, I’ll post this anyway
To heck with rules is what I say
When GeekMan is not here to play

My mind is lost, it’s gone you see
I’m driving friends down to DC
I offered up my SUV
To help them leave New York City

Try not to fret, or weep, or cry
For GeekMan did not up and die
I have not been poked in the eye
Or made into Sweeney Meat Pie

I’m just a Geek who’s strong, like ox
Which means I’ll lift a heavy box
While my friends who’re smart, like fox
Eat bagels, cream cheese and some lox

So for a week and then a night
There will be no updates to this site
Monday the 5th is when I’ll write
Later!
Love,
The Geek of Might

My Goodness

I’m feeling pretty good right now.

HoBiscuit and I closed on our very first apartment yesterday and we couldn’t be happier. I mean, we’ve sold off all of our blood, replacing it with Fluffer-Nutter in order to make the final down payment, but still we think it was worth it. Especially around snack time when we use small knives to cut ourselves and bleed onto toast and crackers.

Mmmm, love that Fluffer-Nutter goodness…

Now that we have our very own place to live however, we’ve found that it just doesn’t look or feel exactly the way we KNOW it could look and feel with a little remodeling. Especially the kitchen, which is soooo small that we won’t both be able to work in it at the same time without one of us crawling into the oven to let the other pass by.

Just guess who’ll be getting into the oven.

Anywaste, we’ve decided that the best thing to do is remodel the kitchen and leave the rest of the place alone for now. Mostly because after checking our nonexistent budget and exploring other methods of raising cash we’ve come to realize that selling off body parts no longer brings the premiums they once did, which means we can’t afford to do anything but the kitchen until the market price of human spleens goes back up.

Damn you ebay.

All of which brings us back to yesterday’s question. Everyone assumed I was asking if it was better for a PERSON to look good or to feel good, when I was really wondering if it was better for a PLACE to look good or to feel good. See? I can be clever and enigmatic with the best of them. Face it, I’m smarter than any of you and you’re all feeling inferior to my obviously greater intelligence! I’m a genius living amongst cavemen! I’m like a virtuoso stuck in a polka band, an Einstein forced to ride the short bus, or a Picasso made to paint Pokemon cards!

Why are you looking at me like that?

*smack!*

Ow!

See?! This is exactly why I don’t talk at parties.

Designer Geek

TV is my friend.

I am completely and totally in love with the show Designer Guys. I don’t think it’s simply because I’m in the process of buying an apartment that has me so infatuated with these guys and although I’m sure that’s part of the reason it’s just not the whole story. I mean, if buying an apartment automatically meant that I would like all home decorating shows then I probably wouldn’t still find Richard Lowell so repulsive, and I definitely wouldn’t need couch-restraints to keep me from throwing things at the TV whenever I watch the so-called ‘designers’ on Surprise By Design screw up another person’s home by using materials so cheap that you just know everything’s going to fall apart in a week of real-world use.

A balsa wood coffee table? I mean, honestly… balsa wood?

I think the main reason I like these guys is that they don’t have an arbitrary budget imposed upon them by a clueless producer who wants to show the world that anyone can have a stylish, French country living room for under $1,000. Anyone who’s ever tried to decorate a room in their own home knows that making it look the way you want costs money. Sure, you can cut corners by making your own couch out of spare cardboard boxes, some fabric remnants and a roll of toilet paper, but let’s be honest here. It will never be a nice couch. And no matter how much you may paint, stain or buff that IKEA dresser, it will never, ever look like an antique English bureau.

Even if you do paint flowers on it.

In other news, I woke up this morning with the feeling that something was amiss with my body and after spending the last three hours collecting clues I think I’ve figured out what’s wrong. See, my first clue was my nose; it was trying to escape my face by slowly liquefying itself from the inside out and running down both my face and my throat. Then, my eyes and eyelids began waging an ecological war, with my eyeballs turning into a vast ocean of salt water and my eyelids turning into a desert of itchy, stabbing pain. Now my throat has entered the fray by becoming both dry and coated with mucus forcing me to clear my throat and then cough from the pain. All of this leads me to three possible conclusions.

  1. My body is so filled with disgust at finally discovering that I really am the world’s biggest Geek that it is self destructing in the hopes of bringing about extinction of all Geeks.
  2. Having made my final plans to leave on a weeklong vacation to California with HoBiscuit in two days, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Californian government have launched an all-out biological war on my body in order to keep us away and thus save the West coast from utter annihilation.
  3. It’s allergy season and this is a particularily bad day for allergy sufferers.

Have I mentioned lately that I fricking hate allergies?

Following The Trend

Like everyone else out there, HoBiscuit and I are buying a home.

Now, before you rush to congratulate us, let me reiterate to you non New Yorkers just what it means to be purchasing a ‘home’ in NYC. A home in NY is not what you might be used to, especially since NYC prices are so outrageous that rats have been known to migrate to New Jersey when their families got too large to fit in their rent controlled, two-tin-can rat’s nest. The truly poor rats actually move to Staten Island!

Oh, the horror.

But wait, I see you shaking your heads and chuckling to yourselves as you say, “That GeekMan, he’s so silly. I know it can’t possibly be as bad as he says it is. I mean, I know NY is expensive, but come on! It can’t be as bad as all that, now can it?”

Hell yes, it can.

For those of you who might not live in the Big Rotten Apple let me explain in a little more detail why buying a home in NY is completely different than buying a home anywhere else in the country. You see, when anyone else in the US says that they are ‘buying a home’ they mean that they are buying something with rooms and closets and possibly even stairs. If they’re real lucky, they even have some land with grass and trees on it, and all for a reasonable price. But in NY when someone says they are ‘buying a home’ it should be translated as the following;

Hello. I am an idiot New Yorker who is willing to live in a space that in any other city in the United States would hardly qualify as a walk-in closet. The apartment I am currently in the process of purchasing is a mere 300 square feet, including the kitchen and bathroom, and the down payment alone will likely cost me more than the total cost of your current residence. I will have one closet into which I can place three articles of clothing, steam heat that I cannot control, two windows (one of which will be blocked by the fire escape and the other by an air conditioner) and the tranquil sounds of fire engines and gunshots to lull me to sleep. Please express your shock and awe at my stupidity by taking this straw, sticking it into my eye and sucking the life out of me. Thankyouverymuch.

Ah, the joys of being a homeowner.

10 Things To Do Instead Of Unpacking

  • Use your new-found G.I. Joe action figures to infiltrate the Smurf fortress of Smurfdom, assassinate Papa Smurf, set up Brainy Smurf as the new regimes figurehead ruler and kidnap Smurfette as the ‘spoils of war’.
  • Using old cardboard boxes, some pillows and a blanket, build a fort. Use it to hide from the angry infidel who wishes you would grow up.
  • Call Raisin Bran headquarters and complain that your box was four raisins short of two scoops. Demand a refund.
  • Play X-Box until your eyes bleed and your sphincter implodes.
  • Research PC audio cards.
  • Attempt, through two hours of intense & rigorous taste testing, to discover which of the 17 nearby pizza shops makes the best slice of pizza.
  • Rearrange your books using the Dewey decimal system. Create an index card catalogue for reference complete with a thumbnail picture of each books cover and plot summary.
  • Disassemble your computer, laying out each part according to size, shape and color, then reassemble it without using your thumbs. Time yourself.
  • Spend several minutes attempting to develop your latent psychic powers of telekinesis and mind control. Should they manifest themselves, take over the world.
  • One word: Blog

Doing It For Love

“So, how’s it feel?”
“How’s what feel, Bread?”
“Don’t give me that innocent crap, GeekMan. You and HoBiscuit haven’t had it in weeks. I want to know what it’s like to go without for so long.”
“None of your frickin business, you little bastard.”
“Oh, come on! Inquiring minds want to know.”
“Go away.”

I turned away from the smug look on his face and quickly dove into another cardboard box labeled ‘Amazingly Heavy Books’ and began emptying its contents into the bookshelves. Anyone who tells you that packing up your life into cardboard boxes and moving to a new location is hard is lying or stupid. Moving isn’t the hard part. The hard part is unpacking all your stuff and wondering why you ever bothered to pack it in the first place.

“I’ll bet you miss it.”
“Shut up.”
“I’ll bet you lay awake at night dreaming about it.”
“Shut up.”
“Don’t you think she misses it, too? Maybe she lays awake at night right next to you, dreaming about it just like you do.”
“Shut up.”
“I’ll bet she wants it right now…”
SHUT UP!

I glared at him as he looked down at me from the top of the bookcase, safely out of reach. One day I swore I’d figure out how something with no hands or feet was able to climb a seven foot bookcase, but right then all I wanted to do was climb up there and throttle him.

“Ooooo. Is someone a little cranky?”
“I swear Bread, if you don’t shut up I’m going to toast you.”
“Look at me, I’m shaking.”
“You little…”
“Spare me, wimp. You know you can’t actually catch me. I’m like the frickin Gingerbread Man. Anyway, if you just caved in and let HoBiscuit have it like you know she wants it, you wouldn’t be so cranky.”
“I am not cranky. I’m just a little frustrated about unpacking, is all.”
“You say toMAYto, I say toMAHto…”
“Shut up.”

Miraculously, he did. For a few moments, there was no sound other than that of books being laboriously alphabetized and put onto shelves, punctuated by an occasional sneeze.

“Why won’t you do it?”
“Don’t bother me.”
“Hey, come on numbnuts, I’m serious. Why won’t you just do it? Has HoBiscuit been bad or something? Are you punishing her?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but no. This wouldn’t even be a good punishment, since I miss it just as much as she does. You know, this isn’t easy for either of us.”
“Then why don’t you just cave in and do it already?”
“If you must know, it’s because I’m not ready yet. We’ve just moved in together, in a new home in a new area, and I just want everything to be perfect before we take such a big step.”
“That’s crazy talk! Things won’t ever be ‘perfect’! All she wants is some of that old magic back, some of the ‘wow’ and ‘pizzazz’. That’s all. Can’t you just give in already and give it to her?”

I knew he was right. That was all she wanted. And it would be really great to finally do it and make her happy again. She had been a little bit cranky the last few days and truth be told, I was finding it harder and harder to resist when she would…

“Wait a second! Since when have you ever cared if HoBiscuit or I suffered? Usually, you revel in our pain and try your damnedest to make our suffering greater. What the hell’s going on here?”
“Dammit!”
“Hah! I knew it! What are you up to, Bread? What diabolical scheme have you got up your proverbial sleeve?”

He looked down at me in consternation as I laughed and pointed at him in glee. I had finally caught on to one of his little schemes before it exploded in my face and I planned on enjoying my moment in the sun to the utmost. He wouldn’t catch me off-guard the way he had when he offered to put ice in my drink. I still shuddered at the mental picture of those cockroaches running around inside the ice cubes as they floated in my drink. To this day I still can’t figure out how Bread managed to keep the roaches alive in their frozen prisons.

“So? What’s the scam this time, loser?”
“Sigh. If you must know Geek, there is no scam.”
“I don’t believe it.”
“It’s true. No scam.”
“Then why do you care that Hobiscuit and I haven’t had it in so long?”
“I don’t, Lamebrain. Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, you’re not the only one who’s suffering?”

Well, I’ll be a llama’s uncle.

“Since when have you ever..?”
“All the time, moron. Whenever you and HoBiscuit were doing it, I did it too.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. And now I miss it, too. It’s all I can think about. Day and night, night and day. I miss it. I really need it and I need it bad.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. Miss Ex-Boxx feels the same way I do. In fact, she asked me to talk with you about it. So did HoBiscuit.”
“They did? Really?”
“Really. The truth is that we need it so bad that I’ve been sent to ask you, no, to beg you to please do it. Do it for you, for HoBiscuit, do it for Miss Ex-Boxx, but most of all, do it for me. Please.”

I didn’t believe it.

“I don’t believe it.”
“Believe it, bub. This is the first and last time you’ll ever hear me ask for something so don’t get used to it, ok? The girls want it so much they’re practically foaming at the mouth to get it so as men, our job is clear. And anywaste, we both want it too, so why wait?”
“Wow. I had no idea you guys all felt this way.”
“We do.”
“Right. So, I guess I’ll just have to do it, then.”
“You will? Really?”
“Really, really.”
“Thank god.”
“And then, when I’m done, we can all do it together.”
“Well? What the heck are you waiting for?”
“Right.”

I dialed the number.

“Hello? Hi. I’d like to have digital cable installed in my new apartment please…”

I’m Not Really Here…

Don’t let the Queen know, but I’m being bad.

You see, I’m supposed to be unpacking the boxes labeled ‘Office Supplies’ and ‘Stupidly Heavy Books’ but I’m not. Instead, I’m sitting here in my box covered office writing an entry for my site that she will most likely read five minutes after I post it. Then she’ll call me to say I shouldn’t be wasting my time like this. That I should be busy unpacking. That I should be trying to make life easier, instead of harder. The quicker we unpack, she would say, the sooner I can get back to my silly online hobby. But you know what I say? I say, “When the boss is away the bad boys will procrastinate all day.”

And I’m a baaaaad boy.

Oh well, maybe I should get back to unpacking. What to do, what to do… Hey! I wonder what’s in this box labeled ‘Toy’s – Do Not Open’? I like toys, especially my expensive electronic ones, but I don’t remember packing this box. And that doesn’t look like my handwriting, either. Well, let me get the box cutters and we’ll see what’s inside, no?

What the..?

These aren’t toys! There’s nothing in here but batteries and some Sharper Image personal massagers! They’re not even the good personal massagers, either. These are the little ones with the funny shapes that you need to be double jointed to use on your back. I hate these! I don’t remember buying them though, so that means they must be HoBiscuits and that means…

Oh.

I’m a baaaaad boy.

True Fear

In the center of a small city of packing tape and cardboard, he stands.

Majestic and proud, the Geek overlooks his vast kingdom and smiles with satisfaction as it expands before his very eyes. Worker drones with powerful muscles, and even more powerful odors, carry his kingdom, piece by piece, up from the lowly depths of the mortal world below to their new places in the skies above. There is only one reason that these worker drones would toil away like this. Only one Prize, one Reward, one Payment would be great enough to make these powerful beings follow the orders of such a cruel, evil and heartless dictator.

Free beer.

Cube upon cube of CO3 Type B Microondulated Standard 200lb Board Test Corrugated Shipping Boxes are stacked, one upon the other, by the tireless worker drones as they dream of the carbonated alcoholic beverages being held tantalizingly out of reach by their evil overlord. In less time than it takes to tell it, the last box is placed upon the final tower and the entire city is finished. Moments later, the beer is gone and so are the worker drones, no doubt off to the next would-be dictator with a miniature kingdom in need of relocation.

And so, the Geek stands alone in his paper city and looks upon it in awe and admiration.

And he stands.

And he looks.

And he…

He wonders what the hell he and his woman are going to do with all this crap, is what he does. Box upon box upon box of crap fills the living room and spills out down the hallway until it washes up on the shore of the queen-sized bed in the bedroom like water on the beach. Scattered among the boxes, like so many small islands in the south pacific, are tables, chairs, bookcases and couches. No flat surface in the place has been left box-less. Not the kitchen counter, not the windowsills, not even the bed.

Would you believe, even the toilet is covered by a box?

Feeling completely overwhelmed by the sheer immensity of the task before him, the Geek attempts to find something, anything, that will help him procrastinate long enough for HoBiscuit to arrive home from work and thus help him begin the unpacking phase of the move. Suddenly, a thought bubbles to the surface of his tiny mind.

Blog.

Hot DAY-um! That would certainly keep him busy for an hour or so! And didn’t he promise to update his loyal readership on the first of October? Damn straight he did, and by golly, he always keeps his promises, doesn’t he? Nodding like a chimp with a broken neck on Ecstasy, the Geek begins his search for the greatest procrastination device ever invented.

The computer.

By sheer luck, the special computer bag with his lovely laptop just happens to be visible next to the back wall of the dining room. It should only take him about half an hour to clear a pathway to that area and then he could write to his hearts content until HoBiscuit came home and yelled at him for being lazy.

A plan so crazy it just might work.

45 minutes later we find our hero sitting on a box labeled ‘Fragile – Glassware’ with his laptop balanced precariously on his knees, typing furiously. An hour after that, as he finishes with his story, he suddenly looks up from the computer and says, to no one in particular;

“Hey, how the hell am I going to find the phone jack?!?”

At that exact moment, the door opens and HoBiscuit enters. She is greeted with the sight of her man, who was supposed to be unpacking, sitting amongst a sea of still-packed boxes, with his computer in his lap and the words ‘phone jack’ still hanging in the air. The look she gave him would have chilled the heart of Beelzebub’s mother-in-law.

“If you even THINK of going online until each and every one of these boxes is empty, I’m going to be very, very upset. Is that clear?”

Woo, boy. Was it ever.

And that, my friends, is why the new design is not yet live. But at least I’m being allowed online long enough to tell my tale. If you don’t hear from me by Wednesday it’s not because I don’t want to write for this site.

It’s because I’m not allowed to yet.

Pack It Up, Pack It In

I’m still moving.

Fear not, true believer. The Mighty Geek will be back on the web October 1st with a brand new redesign and a whole lot of new and exciting stories about his pathetic life. In the meantime, why don’t you visit some of the nice people I’ve gone through the trouble of linking over there on the left? They’re very good writers and sometimes they even have pictures you can look at and everything!

Oh, and Bread says, “Why are you still here? Get a life, you losers!”

Moving Is Such Sweet Sorrow

I’m moving.

Beginning this weekend, HoBiscuit, Bread, Miss Ex-Boxx and I will be moving out of our current residence and into our new home. Due to all the packing, unpacking, chaos, screaming, cursing, broken items, physical pain and other various transitional mishaps expected over the next three weeks I don’t think I’ll be able to write for this website again until October. But, I’ll try to post something whenever I can. Be good while I’m away, stiff upper lip and all. No, no. Be strong my friends, don’t cry. Look for me here everyday, just in case I post something, and I’ll be back before you know it.

Promise.