Geek Life

The Re-Rising

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, Experiments, PhotoBloggery •   7

I’m back from the dead… again.

And, as a measure of atonement for my disappearance these last few weeks, I am willing to humiliate myself to a degree not reached since the time I thought it would be cool to show up to the school dance wearing super-tight, black pleather pants, a shredded white t-shirt, a red jacket with a thousand zippers in it and one shiny, glitter covered glove. I won’t tell you any more about that night, at least not yet, so let’s just leave it alone by saying teenage girls are the cruelest, meanest and most spiteful creatures on the planet.

Even today I still want to cry when I think about it.

So, enough strolling down the land-mine infested path I call memory lane, let’s get back to my humiliation of the day. I’ve decided to share with you another picture of my youth, but unlike most of the other pictures I’ve shown you, this one is from my high school years and not from a time I could be considered ‘cute’ or ‘innocent’. I cannot blame my mode of dress on my mother or my hairstyle on some farfetched modeling school disaster.

No, for this picture I can only blame myself.
Continue reading →

St. Geekwhere

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life, Rants •   2

“Doctor, you have to come quickly, there’s a patient in dire need of medical attention!”

“Pardon me for a moment Mr. Davidson while I deal with this interruption.”

[Doctor turns from his patient to face Intern]

“You’re a first year intern, right?”

“I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but yes, I am.”

“Right. So intern, tell me what’s wrong with this patient you’re so worried about.”

“I don’t really know, doctor. He was wheeled in on a hand-truck by his wife.”

“Wait. He was admitted on a hand-truck?”

“Yes, doctor. By his wife.”

“That’s new. Must be a clever woman. Well, go on.”
Continue reading →

Passover Geek Style

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   4

Aunt Vodka’s grandson is reading the four questions.

Grandson:
“Why is this night different from all other nights?”

Granddaughter:
“I know! I know! It’s different because grandma Vodka isn’t drunk yet!”

Uncle Cigar:
“Granddaughter! That’s not nice. You should apologize to your grandmother right now.”

Granddaughter:
“You’re right, grandpa. I’m sorry you’re not drunk, grandma Vodka.”

Aunt Vodka:
“Not nearly as sorry as I am.”

Many spit takes and coughing fits ensued.

The Purple Putz

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, PhotoBloggery •   8

Sometimes words alone aren’t enough to describe a horrible injustice in the world.

Below is a picture of me from before I learned how to defend myself. It’s a picture of a time when I was under the power of a cruel and ruthless dictator known as Mother, who took great pleasure in dressing me in the latest fresh-from-the-bins-at-Woolworths fashions. Notice the perfect color coordination of my spiffy outfit, how it follows the contourlessness of my stick-like body. Don’t overlook the gayness of the wide, sharply pointed collar to accentuate the foppish color scheme of the pants that virtually scream, “Kick me, I’m a loser!”. And did you happen notice that the shirt is four sizes too large while the pants are two sizes two small? No? Well my gonads did, and they weren’t happy.

They weren’t happy at all.
Continue reading →

Fish Story #1

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, Geek Life •   3

The year is 1984.

Fishman:
“Please… Please, let me back inside. I’m cured. I swear. Please? I promise, I won’t tell mom.”

GeekMan:
“I don’t know. You don’t seem cured yet. Our remedy for your ailment might not have worked fully.”

Fishman:
“It worked. I swear, it worked.”

GeekMan:
“I’m still not convinced. What do you think, Mr. Hentai?”

Mr. Hentai:
“Nah, he still looks a little green around the gills. Maybe if we pushed a little farther..?”

GeekMan:
“Sounds like a plan.”

Fishman:
[incoherent screaming]

GeekMan:
“I’m sorry; we couldn’t make out words in that screech of terror. What did you say?”

Fishman:
*sobbing*

Mr. Hentai:
“Oh. Look. He’s crying. That’s not a good sign.”

GeekMan:
“I concur, Mr. Hentai. It’s not a good sign at all. You see Fishman, a good sign would have been if you didn’t cry. That would have meant our methods of curing you had worked and then we could’ve ended the treatment, but since you’re crying I feel that we need to continue…”

Fishman:
“Oh, god no! Please no more! I swear I’ll never bother you guys again! I swear it! I swear!”

Mr. Hentai:
“Fishman, bothering us when we’re playing Dungeons & Dragons isn’t the problem. Painting all our dice black so we can’t read the numbers isn’t the problem. Barging into the room when we’re playing ‘live action’ D&D with the two cute girls from down the block and then threatening to tell your mother what we were doing isn’t even the problem.”

GeekMan:
“That’s right, Fishman. The real problem is your mental block and we, being aspiring psychologists and psychiatrists, are merely trying to help you overcome your fears. Trust us, one day you’ll thank us for doing this.”

Fishman:
“You guys are crazy! Crazy! I’m telling mom about this and she’ll fix you good!”

Mr. Hentai:
“You will?”

Fishman:
“Yes! And she’s going to kill you both so I won’t ever have to thank you for this! You hear me?! I’ll never thank you. Never!”

GeekMan:
“Oh, I think you will. Mr. Hentai, let’s put him back outside for a few more minutes.”

Fishman:
“AAAGH! NOOOoooooo!!! I’m going to kill you both! AAaahhh!”

Mr. Hentai:
“Sigh. He certainly doesn’t sound cured of his fear of heights, does he GeekMan?”

GeekMan:
“He sure doesn’t, Mr. Hentai. It would appear that our remedy of hanging him face down out of a window by his ankles six floors from the ground just isn’t doing the trick. Maybe we should try a higher floor?”

Mr. Hentai:
“How about the roof?”

GeekMan:
“Mr. Hentai, I like your thinking.”

Fishman:
“Oh god, I think I’m going to be sick…”

To this day Fishman is still afraid of heights. And open windows.

Air Sickness

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Traveling •   Comments Off on Air Sickness

“Excuse me, sir. Would you mind if I sat next to you?”

Putting my book down on my lap, I looked up at the woman standing in the aisle. She was dressed in a typical business woman’s suit, light grey with a cream colored blouse or shirt under the jacket, and she was looking longingly at the open window seat next to me. I had just been congratulating myself for being lucky enough to get a seat without any neighbors so I could stretch out and relax for the 5 hour flight, but of course the Gods Of Aviation could never let that happen.

Sometimes I truly hated the gods’ sense of humor.
Continue reading →

Dig Your Own Hole

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   6

Let the games begin.

HoBiscuit and GeekMan are sitting in the house, she’s reading and he’s working on the computer while listening to randomly shuffled MP3s when Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield” comes on. Halfway through the song HoBiscuit, The Mighty Wife, turns to GeekMan with a mischievous look in her eyes.

HoBiscuit [being cute and coy]:
“Honey, you know I love you, right?”

GeekMan [not really listening]:
“Uh-huh.”

HoBiscuit [unhappy with GeekMan’s inattention]:
“Do you love me?”

GeekMan [unheeding of the warning signs, still not listening]:
“Uh-huh.”

HoBiscuit [eyes angry slits and lower lip pouting]:
“Do you know that our love is a battlefield?”

GeekMan [oblivious]:
“Mmm-hmmm.”

HoBiscuit [angry in an adorably cute way]:
“Well, do you know that I’m winning?”

GeekMan [finally waking up to the fact that he’s in danger]:
“Huh? What? I don’t… you… what?”

HoBiscuit goes back to reading her magazine with a very, very satisfied smile. For the rest of the day GeekMan is so confused and frightened that he actually does the laundry and vacuums without being asked.

Game – Set – Match : HoBiscuit.

Amazing Stories

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   3

There are eight of us in the restaurant.

One of our friends is telling a us the story of how she came home late one night, a little drunk, to find her boyfriend unconscious and bleeding from his head on the floor of their apartment after he had spent the night at a bachelor party.

No, not mine.
Continue reading →

You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Not

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories •   7

Time:
Sometime during my college years.

Place:
My college dorm.

“Oh yeah, baby. Come to papa.”

The young man stared into the bathroom mirror with such concentration that his own reflection seemed to waver before his eyes like a heat mirage. His eyes became slits and his brow a study of determination as he concentrated on the task at hand. He knew that he had but a moment or two before someone would knock on the bathroom door to demand entry and thus end his chances of successfully fulfilling his desire. Even worse, he might be caught in the process. And for this task, failure was a HECK of a lot better than being caught in the act. Repressing a shudder at the thought of what would happen should he get caught… again, the young man redoubled his efforts, causing a ‘squishy’ noise to permeate the small room.

“Yeah, baby. Oh yeah. That’s it… thaaaat’s it. That’s the spot. Almost there, baby. Just a little more…”

The ‘squishy’ noises continued for a few moments in silence.

“Oh… yeeeaaahhh… That’s it. Uh… Mmmm… Come to Papa, beyatch. Come to Papa…”

Suddenly, the bathroom door bursts open to reveal an angry and thoroughly disgusted young woman. Unable to stop what he’s doing in time, the young man turns to the woman in embarrassment, knowing that he will never live this episode down no matter how long he might live. Shaking her head in resigned disgust, the young woman turns away from the red-faced young man and slowly closes the door behind her. Just before the door shuts completely, she whispers;

“It’s not that you do it, that I could understand. I could even forgive you for enjoying it as much as you do. But must you make so much noise while you’re at it?”

The young man remains silent, leaving his head bowed in shame until the door is fully closed behind his young girlfriend. Signing softly to himself, he turns around like a condemned man to face his reflection in the mirror. He knows she’s right, that what he’s doing is disgustingly vulgar at best, but he also knows he won’t be able to rest until he’s finished what he started. Resigned to his fate, the young Geek shrugs to himself as he once again extends his index finger and raises it to his face.

And shoves it deep into his left nostril.

Where’s The Geek?

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   7

Back home again, I’m glad to say.

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks for your friendly neighborhood Geek. Not only have I gotten married, but I’ve also had to forego the traditional honeymoon for a summer rain check because I had to fly out to Vegas for work immediately following my wedding day so I could pay for the uber-expensive wedding reception.

Which also means I ain’t getting any for at least 6 months. Dammit.

Anywaste, I just thought I’d drop by and let everyone who sent me an email inquiring about my whereabouts and/or my (mental/emotional) health know that I haven’t died or been re-abducted by alien llamas bent on taking over the world by forcibly shoving giant, angry porcupines playing grand pianos into the rectal cavities of poor unsuspecting Geeks.

Don’t ask, because I don’t know.

I’ve just been really busy working for MightyWife (formally HoBiscuit, unless she decides to keep that old moniker because it’s damn cute) and I haven’t had the time to worry about little things like eating, sleeping or updating this tumbleweed infested website. I do hope to get back to my regular update schedule soon, and you’ll know when that is when the look of the site changes. Until that day however, updates will happen whenever I can get online without incurring the wrath of my overlords.

You know; The Mighty Wife or my Clients of Doom.

In other words;

Due to Real Life being beyond our control, The Mighty Geek will, for the foreseeable future, be only sporadically updated. We’re sorry for the inconvenience our recent and continued absence will no doubt cause you, our valued readership, but to be quite honest we could give a rat’s left testicle because we’re too busy to care. Should you truly need a ‘fix’ of Geeky Humor we humbly suggest some of the links provided on our sidebar as the sites listed therein, while not nearly as humorous as we are, are still good enough to get you by until the real thing is available again because let’s face it, we’re the fricking bestest of the bestest and nobody really wants NutraSweet when they can have Domino Sugar, right? Right? Yeah, we thought you’d see it it our way. Boo-yah.

Peace-out.