Experiments

Learning Is FundaMENTAL

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   4

Continuing education courses I’d love to take.

Death Shadow Kick
Students will learn the secret techniques of Death Shadow Kicking as taught by Master Shuh Hua “Pookie-Bear” Lin. Involves strenuous physical and mental exercise (students should be in peak physical shape), intense concentration and a willingness to instantly kill your opponent with one kick. Students must have credit in Master Shuh’s King Kong Palm and Stealthy Finger Of Death classes or similar experience.

Intro to Modern Slang
In this introductory class, students will learn the proper usage of a large vocabulary of modern slang used by the kids of today on the streets and in the Hood. The classes Running For Your Life In The Ghetto and Introduction To Avoiding An Ass Whooping are prerequisites for this course. It is also recommended that prospective students take a few First Aid or nursing classes.

Advanced Tax Avoidance 101
Students will be taught the most effective methods of avoiding the tax man in America. From declaring yourself a priest of your own religion to setting up a non-existent dummy corporation to simply moving all your assets overseas, this class will teach you the fundamentals of not only keeping more of your money, but doing it in a perfectly legal and untraceable way. Taught by Professor Jeffrey “What A Country” Skilling, students should be willing to travel incognito to foreign shores for ‘special’ on-site lessons.

Advanced Manly Gadget Purchasing Techniques
Students will learn how to research, compare and purchase the newest and best gadgets on the market today… and tomorrow. From surfing the gadget websites to in-store, pimply-faced, stock boy questioning techniques, to getting approval for the purchase from your significant other, this course will cover it all. Mandatory prerequisites include: Making Friends With Annoying Nerds & Geeks For Fun And Profit, Advanced Bargaining, and How To Bribe Your Wife With Guilt Without Getting Caught.

Got any suggestions?

My Day

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life •   8

Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Frustration.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Crisis.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic.

Crisis averted.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off.

Crisis.

Work. Work. Work. Sweat. Work. Cry. Work. Whimper. Work. Pray. Work. Plead. Work. Pray. Work. Work. Poo bricks. Work. Spaz out. Work. Work. Whimper. Work.

Crash.

Curse. Swear. Curse. Reboot. Curse. Curse. Blaspheme. Curse. Curse. Curse. Swear. Curse. Curse. Sweat. Curse. Curse. Curse. Pray. Curse. Pray. Curse. Curse. Curse. Curse. Cry. Curse. Curse. Curse. Blaspheme. Curse. Reboot. Pray.

Fix.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Workworkworkworkwork.

Crises averted.

Relief. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Work. Work. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Work. Work. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo.

MAJOR CRISIS.

Work. Work. Work. Curse. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Blaspheme. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Cry. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Whimper. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Workworkworkworkwork.

Death defy.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Surf. Work. Work. Work. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog.

Halo.

It All Starts Here

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   15

Blogger Tag.

If someone tags you, you must name and link the person who tagged you (for example, GeekMan got me!) and then tag someone else by writing “Tag! You’re IT!” in your Blog with the word “You’re” being a link to the person you want to be ‘it’. It’s up to the person you ‘tagged’ to figure out that they’re ‘IT’ and then tag someone else. I know it’s silly and childish with no real point to it, and I also know that a game like this has been done before, but I think by actually forbidding people from telling the person who’s “IT” that they are, in fact, “IT” makes it more interesting. It will certainly let you know who actually reads your site as opposed to those who just say that they do. And wouldn’t it be awesome if someone you admired and read every day ‘tagged’ you?

Tag! You’re IT!

Fun With Google – Part II

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   2

Smart-bombing Google.

According to this highly reliable, non-partisan website’s latest internet poll, 87% of the world’s internet users who have an epidermis and are not mentally retarded are in love with the person who writes for this witty and wonderful website. Now, even though I fully acknowledge that 50% of all statistics are completely made up, this is one statistic that I think is 73% accurate. This guy is considered the world’s best at what he does, and what he does is write the world’s best funny stories.

He’s like a humor deity made flesh for our amusement.

And, although I’ve made fun of this guy on many occasions in the past, it should be obvious by now that deep down I’m in awe of his abilities and would love to one day be thought of as even half the writer he is. I mean, he’s everything I’ve ever aspired to become. He’s the world’s greatest humor writer, ever! The best of the best! The High Priest of Low Humor!

I have a shrine devoted to him above my toilet.

Now, even though his latest post might be considered by some to be a self-aggrandizing, ego-stroking piece of Google-bombing fluff, I beg you to overlook it and dig a little deeper because I honestly believe he is one of the greatest people writing for free on the internet today. So do yourself a favor and check out his website every day because, in my own humble opinion, he just may be the greatest writer in the history of the internet.

We are all blessed to have him in our lives.
Continue reading →

A Sad, Sad Day

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments •   10

Today is my Blog’s anniversary.

Having a web site for as long as I have (three years with this site and seven years altogether) I’ve learned a few things about Blogging that I thought might be nice to share with those of you who are not, like me, massively popular and worshiped as gods. So, without further ado, here’s a list of the Top Ten Things You Can Do To Become A Massively Popular And Universally Loved Web Site Writer.

Top Ten Things You Can Do To Become
A Massively Popular And Universally Loved Web Site Writer
  1. Publicly insult a popular blogger who has a short fuse.
  2. Write about your sex life. Involve barnyard animals.
  3. Express an unpopular opinion on a hot political issue then back it up with fake statistics and rambling, irrational & emotional diatribes.
  4. Write about your favorite sexual positions. Involve homemade appliances.
  5. Post an angry and self righteous farewell post, wait two weeks and then return by saying you no longer care what other people think because you’re now writing only for yourself.
  6. Write about your sexual fantasies. Involve foodstuffs.
  7. Blackmail a famous Blogger for linky-love by PhotoShopping images of them dancing with the Star Wars Kid.
  8. Write about your sexually deviant tendencies. Involve leather and pony paraphernalia.
  9. Post pictures of your boobies. If you do not have boobies, post pictures of Michele’s boobies. Don’t worry; everyone’s seen them so I’m sure she won’t mind.
  10. Write about your sudden discovery and acceptance of your homosexuality. Involve disappointed family members.

There. If you do any three of these ten things you will soon be among the Blogging elite, eating caviar on saltines and sipping Champaign in a hot tub with all the other famous A-List Bloggers. Should you do all ten things then I dare say you might become a Blogging god, able to write anything and still garner 50 to 100 comments and earn over $500 a day in ad revenue and PayPal donations from your adoring fans.

Not to mention all the casual sex from your fanboys/fangirls.

One last note on becoming a popular Blogger. The kiss of death for any Blog is the writer’s insistence on trying to be funny. Never, ever attempt to humor your readership for you will fail miserably and very soon you will find yourself celebrating your Blogiversaries all alone without a single visitor to wish you a happy anniversary. Then you will spend an hour coming up with a stupid list of silly things no one will ever find humorous in the vain and ultimately futile attempt to gain even a single visitor to your pathetic and useless site.

Oh god, I’m so lonely…

Tooting My Own Horn

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   1

I am still funny.

Some people out there seem to doubt my ability to be funny anymore so, in order to prove them wrong, I’m going to attempt the infamous, and highly dangerous, Double-Warznack maneuver. As we all know, only two people have ever successfully completed the DW without dying in the attempt, but for my readership, I will do anything to make them laugh. So, without further ado, I will now attempt to fart to the tune of “Yankee Doodle” while being repeatedly hit on the head with a frying pan by twelve angry midgets.

…

Wait. That was no fart…

The Re-Rising

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, Experiments, PhotoBloggery •   7

I’m back from the dead… again.

And, as a measure of atonement for my disappearance these last few weeks, I am willing to humiliate myself to a degree not reached since the time I thought it would be cool to show up to the school dance wearing super-tight, black pleather pants, a shredded white t-shirt, a red jacket with a thousand zippers in it and one shiny, glitter covered glove. I won’t tell you any more about that night, at least not yet, so let’s just leave it alone by saying teenage girls are the cruelest, meanest and most spiteful creatures on the planet.

Even today I still want to cry when I think about it.

So, enough strolling down the land-mine infested path I call memory lane, let’s get back to my humiliation of the day. I’ve decided to share with you another picture of my youth, but unlike most of the other pictures I’ve shown you, this one is from my high school years and not from a time I could be considered ‘cute’ or ‘innocent’. I cannot blame my mode of dress on my mother or my hairstyle on some farfetched modeling school disaster.

No, for this picture I can only blame myself.
Continue reading →

St. Geekwhere

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life, Rants •   2

“Doctor, you have to come quickly, there’s a patient in dire need of medical attention!”

“Pardon me for a moment Mr. Davidson while I deal with this interruption.”

[Doctor turns from his patient to face Intern]

“You’re a first year intern, right?”

“I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but yes, I am.”

“Right. So intern, tell me what’s wrong with this patient you’re so worried about.”

“I don’t really know, doctor. He was wheeled in on a hand-truck by his wife.”

“Wait. He was admitted on a hand-truck?”

“Yes, doctor. By his wife.”

“That’s new. Must be a clever woman. Well, go on.”
Continue reading →

One Day

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

One day I will find time.

One day I will find time hidden away in the darkest corner under my bed like an old action figure I used to love only to discard when it lost its kung-fu grip hands in an unfortunate sky-diving incident. One day time will be there when I need it and not cavorting like a carefree bachelor with space at the continuum dance party while I sit at home alone wondering if time will ever call. One day I will find time and, like old friends meeting by accident at the bus station, we will embrace and talk of time’s past over a cup of hot chocolate. One day time will look upon me from across the room and smile at me and grant me enough of itself to do everything that must be done. One day I will find time and time will let me work, play, write, read, eat, sleep and single-handedly save the world from mutant alien llamas without disappearing when I need time most like morning mist on a warm summer’s day. One day I will keep time in my pocket like spare change and doll it out judiciously in order to do that which I so dearly love to do. One day time will allow me a tiny portion of itself so that I may write more than a stupid tribute to time I wish I had but do not.

One day, but not today.