Month: July 2008

Vomit Comet

• by GeekMan • In Announcements •   2

Does not the title of this post give away it’s content?

Poor, poor Mighty Baby. When I took her to the bathroom mid-flight to change her diaper yesterday, she took that opportunity to tell me that her tummy hurt. But since she can’t talk yet she lodged her complaint by projectile vomiting. Now, I don’t know how familiar you are with airplane lavatories, but let me state her for the record that they are small. So small, in fact, that there is absolutely no possibility of dodging when something wet, stinky and full of raisin chunks comes hurling at you no matter how fast your reflexes might have become thanks to hours and hours of playing Wii Shooting Range games. Once it all came up she felt better, of course, so I cleaned her and the bathroom up as best I could and headed back to our seats so HoBiscuit could hold her and tell her everything would be all right. Of course, the way I smelled no one was willing to hold me and tell me everything was alright until I got home and washed the stink off of me.

And we still had two hours before we landed. Phew!

Flying Mighty

• by GeekMan • In Announcements •   0

The Geeks are flying home today.

We can only hope HoBiscuit and GeekMan survive with their dignity and sanity intact after 10 hours in the air and one airplane switch in Dallas when traveling with The Mighty Cranky Baby. Cross your fingers for us, folks. We’ll need it.

And so will our fellow travelers.

Fishfone Follies

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   0

Did you know cell phones can’t swim?

Funny story. We decided to bring The Mighty Baby to the pool this weekend so she could try swimming for the very first time, and also so HoBiscuit and I could cool off from the hotness that is Arizona. We were all excited to see how TMB would react to her first swim and as soon as we arrived we all jumped in. TMB was enjoying the water and, even though she was cautious, she didn’t cry or got scared except that one time she tried to lay down and realized that she couldn’t breath underwater and choked. That made her scream bloody murder for five minutes, causing a few concerned looks from other parents, who I think were hoping someone would make their day and give them a reason to call child services.

I think one of the ladies actually had them on speed dial.

Anywaste, after about half an hour of swimming I decided to sit down at the edge of the pool and watch HoBiscuit and TMB swim around for a while. And that’s when I realized that in my haste to enter the pool with TMB I had forgotten to empty my pockets of all the wonderful toys and important artifacts that I normally carry in them. The car keys were one thing, a little water wasn’t going to cause them any real damage. The few dollars in my pocket that HoBiscuit had allowed me to have would also be none the worse after drying them out. But, hey. What’s this thin, squarish object in my back pocket…?

Oh. Crap.

Yeah, so my cell phone, which was the hight of cell phone tech about a year ago, is now nothing more than a broken toy for my baby girl. Even worse than being without a phone for a few days is knowing that since that phone didn’t have the ability to sync with my computer all my business phone numbers are now gone. Poof, just like that. But there is good news, of a sort. Since HoBiscuit and I had the same cell phones, we just went to a local Verizon store and had them switch her phone to my number.

And then I bought her a new phone.

Well, it WAS my stupid mistake so why should I get a new phone and leave her with the “old and boring” phone? Since I couldn’t really argue that point, I thought it best to get her what she wanted, which in this case was the Blackberry Curve, and let her enjoy taunting me with how cool her new phone is compared to my “old and boring” phone. Until the Blackberry Bold comes out in January, that is. Because as soon as I can get that thing, I’m going to hold it up in her face and do the Geekgasmic Happy Dance of Superior Technology.

It’s not pretty, but it sure will be fun.

New Hotness

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Traveling •   1

Arizona is hot.

No, sorry. It’s not just hot. It’s really, really HOT! With a side order of caliente. Now, I like hot weather as much, if not more than, the next guy, but I don’t like it when the temperature reaches over 85 degrees INSIDE the house I’ve got to sleep in. Now, you’d think that when someone lives in the modern age and has access to the technological wonders of both central air conditioning and electricity, they would USE them to make their homes more comfortable, wouldn’t you? Especially when they have guests, right?

Well, not if we’re talking about my in-laws, I guess.

I now understand that my mother-in-law wasn’t trying to make a joke last week. You see, she’s gotten so used to the heat here that any temperature below 80 is truly considered cold enough to freeze grain alcohol and warrants two layers of clothing and possibly a hat. Since we’ve gotten here, she’s been constantly sneaking around behind us turning off the ceiling fans because she’s cold. Meanwhile, HoBiscuit, the MightyBaby and I have all been sweating so heavily that you can tell where we’ve been by following our footstep-sized puddles. Well, you could if they didn’t evaporate so fast. And the next person to say, “At least it’s a dry heat.” is going to get a swift kick to the nads.

Unless they bring me an icy, cold drink. Then they get a kiss.

Of Airplanes, Babies & Walmart

• by GeekMan • In Announcements •   1

Flying with a baby is not fun.

On the plane to Arizona Saturday, MightyBaby behaved pretty well. She cried only a little bit and fussed only when she was hungry or tired. Unfortunately for HoBiscuit and I, MightyBaby didn’t like the idea of sleeping in flight and it took a lot of effort to get her to calm down and sleep instead of trying to walk at 30,000 feet or climb over the back of the seat of the guy trying to read his paper in front of us. When she finally went to sleep the flight attendant asked us if we wanted to celebrate with some alcohol… on her.

People applauded as we left the plane.

Actually, it wasn’t really that bad and MightyBaby was good for almost the entire flight. No screaming fits or bawling tears for her. She just fussed a little bit when she couldn’t get comfortable whenever we tried putting her to sleep. All in all, it was a very easygoing and mostly enjoyable trip. Except for needing to change her poopie diaper at 30,000 feet in the teeny, tiny bathroom compartment during turbulence.

I don’t think my hand will ever be clean again.

Now that we’re in Arizona though, we had to go to where HoBiscuit insisted all the locals go. That’s right, a Walmart Supercenter. When we first got inside I thought HoBiscuit would go into apoplectic shock. The store was huge! With dozens and dozens of choices of each type of item you might ever want. As an example of how in awe she was of Walmart, I give you the bacon aisle. When HoBiscuit saw a literal WALL of bacon, with about 50 choices of brand and another 5 or so choices within each brand, I believe she actually had an orgasm. She couldn’t stop talking about all the lovely, sweet bacon they had. And at such amazingly low prices.

Our actual conversation went something like this;

“OK, HoBiscuit. Your eyes are so big right now, they’re going to pop out of your skull. Let’s try to reel in your glee at being in such a big place a little and focus on the stuff we need, like diapers, baby food, some shampoo…”
“ZOMG!!! BACON!”
“Oh, dear lord.”
“GeekMan, look! Their bacon shelf space alone is bigger than our entire supermarket is back home!”
“Honey, we really need to get what we came for and get back to your parents’ place before the MightyBaby misses you and starts crying.”
“You aren’t listening! This is a Wall of Bacon!”
“Yes, yes. I heard you the first…”
“NO! Listen to me. This is Bacon! A giant, superhuge aisle devoted to sweet, succulent, tasty bacon. And it’s all so cheap!”
“I know how much you like bacon, but…”
“This is… [sob] it’s just the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” [snif]
“Are you crying?”
“No. No, I’ve just got something in my eye.”

Well, at least I know where to take her on our twentieth anniversary.

Time To Fly

• by GeekMan • In Family •   1

I’m off to Arizona to visit the in-laws.

From what I’ve been told, my father-in-law has gotten very… crotchety. In fact, according to my mother-in-law, he’s become downright mean. Why, just yesterday she complained to HoBiscuit that my father-in-law had made the house so cold that her very bones had frozen! Apparently, she had to escape outside during the hottest part of the Arizonian summer day just to warm up. When HoBiscuit asked her mother what temperature her evil father had set the thermostat, she expected to hear some ungodly low number, like 60 degrees Fahrenheit, or something. Imagine her shock at hearing her mother’s angry response of, “He set it to 79! It’s so cold I have to wear a sweater and socks inside!”

Ah, old people. Bless them and their blotchy, cellophane-like skin.

Why I Don’t Like Batman

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   4

He’s stupid.

Yeah, yeah, I know Batman is supposed to be the World’s Greatest Detective and all, but seriously, he’s a moron. This is a guy with nearly unlimited wealth, near-super strength, agility, speed and constitution, and the intelligence of Einstein, Sherlock Holmes and Leonardo DaVinci rolled into one good looking, debonair, suave and sophisticated package. And, instead of curing cancer, or becoming President, or becoming a judge or policeman, or inventing some life-saving new device that might have helped save his parents lives, what does he do?

He puts on a mask and fights crime with his fists.

I mean, try to imagine if Bill Gates were to do something like that. Now, I’m not saying nerdy Bill is the equivalent of hunky Bruce Wayne… Hey, stop laughing! Well, OK. I admit that was a bad example. Let’s try someone like Jet Li, instead. This is a guy who, in his early years, you’d have no trouble seeing as a kick-ass kind of guy. He’s also pretty well off, earning over $60 million in 2007. So, it’s conceivable that someone with his physical skills and wealth could have potentially become a Batman-like superhero, right? In his 20’s he could very well have dressed up as a giant bat, or snake, or panda, or something and solved crimes while kicking the crap out of criminals in Hong Kong. The Chinese equivalent of Batman, Jet Li would be a very believable, real life, Chinese vigilante.

Hey! He could be PandaMan!

Imagine it, PandaMan swinging from rooftop to rooftop in Hong Kong, his shadowy, furry figure striking fear into the hearts of criminals. The police chief’s giant panda spotlight calling him forth from his Panda Cave, the PandaMan roars out into the night in his Pandacycle to right the wrongs done to those who lacked the means to buy their own justice. Solving crimes no one else can using only his improbably ultra-clever mind, and sometimes his astonishingly super-powerful PandaComputer, the Pandarangs he throws knock the villains he’s after on their collective butts as the thankful citizenry of the People’s Republic cheer him on.

I bet you’re literally laughing at all that nonsense.

Yet, when it’s Batman in Gotham city in his Batmobile, you’re willing to believe it, right? Because he’s supposed to be fictional, not real. Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can I dislike Batman so much yet still call myself a Spider Man fan? There’s one very good reason, Spider Man has super powers, Batman doesn’t. Super powers make Spider Man, Superman, Wolverine and all the rest truly fictional. But Batman is supposed to be a “regular” guy who just happens to wear a mask to fight crime.

And to me, that makes him stupid.

OK, maybe he’s not really all that stupid, and it’s the people around him that are the true idiots, but it amounts to nearly the same thing. Batman solves crimes in the most asinine and backwards ways possible. He also always winds up having to punch someone in the face in order to stop them from doing something evil instead of figuring everything out and telling someone who could end the problem in seconds. I mean, he’s friends with all the most powerful superhero characters in the DC universe, right? Why hasn’t anyone shackled him to his Batcomputer and made him solve crimes so that the other superheroes can go stop the bad guys? Or how about having him spend his time figuring out what the truly dangerous criminals were plotting next and come up with plans to stop them before they even begin? Or how about he spends his time discovering super-villain secret identities and then tell the police so they can raid their homes and arrest them? He could change his name to AnswerMan, or The Informer, or some such nonsense and, instead of getting his butt kicked by the Joker or Mr. Freeze again, make Superman capture them and spend his time wooing the ladies instead.

Doesn’t that sound a hell of a lot smarter than what he actually does as Batman?

Plus, Batman is always getting the better of every superhero he happens to fight, yet the bad guys almost always find a way to capture him, or beat him to a bloody pulp before he ultimately triumphs. It’s so frustrating. Does anyone truly believe Superman couldn’t beat Batman in a fight? I mean, Supes has super speed, strength, invulnerability, etc., etc., etc. Sure, old Bats might have some kryptonite somewhere, but if Supes seriously needed to take Batman down he could hit him so hard and fast Bats wouldn’t ever know he was down until he woke up in the hospital missing his lower jaw. Same goes for the Flash, or Wonder Woman, or hell, even Aquaman could kick his face in without a real problem if he wanted!

And seriously, if Aquaman can beat you up, you’re pretty pathetic.

Lastly, there’s the whole secret identity thing. Batman is a regular guy who regularly and repeatedly gets his face punched in. He’s constantly bleeding all over the place, usually in the bad guy’s lair or at a crime scene and yet no police officer seems to collect that blood and try to match it up to DNA evidence to find out who it might belong to. Doesn’t that strike you as farfetched? I mean, if there’s a string of crime scenes that happen to have blood everywhere from an unknown person, don’t you think someone on the police force would take notice? His mask doesn’t hide his chin does it? So why doesn’t someone scar his chin on purpose and then figure out who he is? Or how about all his gadgets? It’s a given that those would cost a hell of a lot, right? Can’t anyone figure out that if the toys are expensive then at the very least a rich person is financing Batman?

Can’t anyone in Gotham follow the money?

And what about Bruce’s face? He’s always being beat up, right? Doesn’t anyone notice when a billionaire playboy shows up at public events, speaking engagements, dinner parties and so on with a severely beat up face? No one puts that little puzzle together? There’s no celebrity rag in Gotham hunting for a big story on The Bruce Wayne? No private detective who’s hobby is trying to figure out who Batman is? The Riddler can’t deduce who Batman is? And yes, I realize he did last year, but still, it took him for-freaking-EVER to figure that out. None of the ladies he’s been with have noticed all the scars on his body? Not one of the people from his past who found out about his secret identity ever tried to blackmail him?

See? Now you’re wondering, too.

All in all, I find Batman to be the least believable super hero out there BECAUSE he’s supposed to be the most believable. Taken one at a time, you can overlook any of these arguments, but taken together you can’t deny that he’s a horrible, horrible superhero. If they gave him a power, even a lame one like super intelligence or something, then I could suspend my disbelief and like him. As it is though, I just don’t like him because he’s… well, he’s stupid.

…

Uuuuhhhh…

Ahem.

Of course, I’m still going to go see the movie. It’s gonna ROCK!

Ta-Fricking-Da

• by GeekMan • In Announcements •   1

Well, at least it’s something new.

What you now see is a very nice free WordPress template that I discovered and thought would make a nice base for me to tweak into something more to my liking. However, I have no idea when this tweaking will actually take place. So, for the foreseeable future, all I can say is, “Welcome to the new me.”

Man, I miss my GeekMan icon.

Seeing Is Believing

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, Geek Life •   2

I used to love taking a shower.

Waking up in the morning has always sucked for me, I’ve never been what you’d call a morning person. Some of my best days began when I woke up after 11am, and I can’t think of a single night of fun that ended before 2am. I was what you might call a Night Owl, able to stay up and party all night without getting tired. Mornings though, are my personal kryptonite.

Until my morning shower.

My daily shower was the one thing that made my sleep addled brain start firing neurons again. I would stumble into that glass-encased box of pure morning bliss and wash the sleep right out of me. It was really quite amazing, actually. Kind of like that old Coast soap commercials where the guy wakes up in a grumpy mood but the scent of the soap wakes him up and he’s ready for his day. Hey, some people need their caffeine, some people need the morning newspaper and I need my morning shower.

Or at least I did.

You see, last year I got laser eye surgery and although you wouldn’t think it, that one thoughtless act has ruined my mornings forever. It used to be that I couldn’t see anything clearly until after my shower, when I put on my glasses to get dressed. But now… now, it’s all different. Now I can see when I take a shower. Now I know, and seeing and knowing has completely destroyed my life. You see, one year ago, for the first time I could clearly see my pubic hair… and the white hairs hiding there that were laughing at me because I’m old. Old, and possibly stupid. Maybe even senile. But definitely old.

I can only pray for early cataracts.

One Week

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   7

I’ve been back one whole week… and no one cares.

Oh well, what did I expect? A party? Fireworks? A guest spot on Oprah? No, not really. But I guess I would have liked something. A delicious piece of pie, maybe. Or a happy meal prize, perhaps. I guess just being back a week isn’t enough to warrant anyone noticing, let alone caring. Maybe I should be quicker at finding the funny again? Writing more… I don’t know, humorous things? Maybe I should…

Nah, isn’t telling embarrassing stories about my childhood over with already?

Oh. Oh great. I see that begging puppydog look on your face. You want me to humiliate myself for your amusement again, don’t you? You want to hear all about that time I tried to be “punk” to impress a girl only to discover she had gone country to impress a boy. Or about the time my car actually caught on fire as I was driving a girl home. Or better yet, you want to hear about the time my college girlfriend stole my clothes and all the towels in my dorm room while I was taking a shower and late for a test.

Or how about what I did to get her back.

Well, fine. If that’s what it’ll take to make you happy, then so be it. You’ll never be able to say I didn’t give my all to my readership, will you? Next week I start poking fun at myself again and you’d better be here or I’ll be doubly embarrassed. Once because I posted it, and once because no one reads it.

Dear lord, I am so pathetic.