Month: October 2003

Happy Halloween!

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   4

It all started innocently enough.

I was sitting on the couch in my tighty whities watching a Wonder Woman rerun on Nick At Nite when I heard the noise. Not “noise” really, but a sound that I can only imagine might be made by a duck dressed up in a ninja outfit, complete with face mask, as it tried to hold back a startled quack-scream of pain as it stepped on a rusty nail and fell to its ducky-knees in agony on my kitchen floor while accidentally knocking down an over-burdened dish/drying rack of pots and pans.

And my leftover linguini.

I would have ignored the noise, writing it off as my overactive imagination again, but for the fact that I distinctly heard a hushed voice say “Idiot.” followed almost immediate by “Shuddup!” and the sound of a wooden nunchuck hitting a feathery head. Not wanting to become a victim of fowl play, I quietly made my way to the kitchen to investigate the rising sounds of a barely muffled melee. Turning the corner, I reached out in the darkness for the light switch with one hand while the other silently pulled my katana ‘DaffySlayer’ out of the umbrella stand I keep it in for just such an emergency. And you’d be surprised at how many emergencies call for a katana to be in an umbrella stand.

Or under the bed. Or behind the toilet.

As I stood there in the darkness, preparing myself for what I just knew was going to be the fight of my life, I listened to the sounds emanating from my kitchen and determined that there were between five and nine enemies within. Tightening my grip on DaffySlayer, I flicked the switch and rushed into the kitchen intent on repelling the invaders, no matter who they were. I was lucky that I caught them by surprise because the first two black-clad intruders fell by my hand before the rest new what was happening. Unfortunately for me, my momentum carried me into their midst and that’s when I realized that there were more than nine of them crowding inside my kitchen. Far, far more than nine.

With a howl the hoard of ninja ducks attacked and I prepared myself for death.

Wasted Youth

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   8

Who wants to feel old?

If you’ve ever played Pong, Space Invaders or Super Mario Brothers as a kid, then you MUST read this article. However, I strongly recommend that you do not read it while drinking, as the liquid you are trying to consume will instead come shooting out of your nose and splatter across your computer screen which will most likely set off an electrical fire that will burn down your home and all your worldly possessions, making you a pathetic, homeless beggar on the street selling your teeth for drug money and Cheetos.

Mmmm… Cheetos. All I need now is a Tab…

Mother Of Babel

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   4

[sounds of ringing telephone]

GeekMan:
“Hello?”

GeekMom:
“GeekMan! You’ve got to help me! The Thing isn’t working!”

GeekMan:
“Mom? What thing are you talking about?”

GeekMom:
“You know, The Thing. The Thing we just got.”

GeekMan:
“Oh. Right, The Thing. What’s wrong with it?”

GeekMom:
“When I turn it on it just beeps and then a message comes up telling me something’s wrong.”

GeekMan:
“OK, I think I understand now and there’s no need to panic mom. I can fix The Thing this weekend.”

GeekMom:
“OK, but there’s something else. I can’t get to My Stuff.”

GeekMan:
“Your Stuff?”

GeekMom:
“You know, My Stuff. My Pages. Like the weather page, my stamps pages and my mail stuff. You know, My Pages.”

GeekMan:
“Oh. You mean The Thing won’t connect so you can get to Your Pages?”

GeekMom:
“Yeah.”

GeekMan:
“What about The Old Thing?”

GeekMom:
“Oh, The Old Thing is fine. But The New Thing just makes noises and doesn’t… whatchamacallit, connect.”

GeekMan:
“OK mom, I think there might be a real problem with The Thing. I’ll need to call The People to figure out what’s wrong with The New Thing. In the meantime, if you need to get to Your Stuff, connect with The Old Thing and we’ll transfer Your Stuff to The New Thing this weekend. Is that OK?”

GeekMom:
“Yeah, that sounds fine.”

GeekMan:
“Good. I’ve got to get back to work now, so I’ll talk to you later, OK?”

GeekMom:
“OK. Love you, and tell WhoreCookie I said hi.”

GeekMan:
“Uh, mom? Who’s WhoreCookie?”

GeekMom:
“Crap! You know who I meant!”

[end phone call]

Look At Me, I’m Gift Giving

• by GeekMan • In Poetry •   4

Look at me, I’m gift giving
Lousy with my brown nosing
Won’t go to bed till the Geek links the Ren,
I bought him Fountainhead!
Sent it, hey, from far away
From Australia, crickey mate!
Don’t get all cross ’cause this Aussie’s the boss
So get out of my way

I don’t think you dare, to even touch my hair
I feel ill for poor HoBiscuit
Keep your shonky paws off my Sheila drawers
Or she’ll kick your crack, wanna bet?

As for you pathetic fool
I know what you wanna do
You’ve got no crust Bread’s my object of lust
He’s just so buttery!

GeekMan, GeekMan! Let me be!
Keep your drivel far from me
Just link me fool, ’cause you’re stupid, it’s true
Hey, fungu, I’m Spree Girlie
Continue reading →

Yawn

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

I’m tired.

I think I’m going to go back to bed and try to restart the dream I was just having. It was a good one, too. It involved Salma Hayek, Lucy Lui, Beyoncé, Jessica Alba and me. If I remember correctly, we were at some kind of private party and the ladies had been drinking a little and decided that what they really needed as a nightcap was a GeekMan sundae.

Who was I to argue?

So into the hot tub I went, followed by 20 gallons of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream and about 10 pounds of whipped cream. All of this was fine and dandy, but I knew things weren’t going to end well when Lucy announced that she was allergic to nuts and Jessica told her that it just wasn’t a GeekMan sundae without the nuts. With Beyoncé backing Jessica and Salma egging Lucy on, a catfight was inevitable.

Who was I to stop it?

Just as Jessica ripped Lucy’s shirt open to reveal her black, lacy bra and Lucy retaliated by tearing Jessica’s skirt from her luscious body, I was rudely awakened by the sound of a ringing telephone. And now, all I want to do is go back into this dream to see how it ends because call me curious, but I really want to know who could kick who’s ass; Lucy Lui or Jessica Alba. More importantly, since I’m the damn prize, I want to know how I’m going to ‘reward’ the winner and/or console the ‘loser’.

Who am I to choose?
Continue reading →

Stupid Telemarketer, Tricks Are For Kids

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   6

[ringing telephone – the clock says 8:43am]

GeekMan:
[groggily]
“Hello?”

Telemarketer:
“HELLO Mr. GeekMan! My name is Jackhole and I’m calling to offer you an EXCITING opportunity to have The New York Times DELIVERED TO YOUR HOME for the low, low price of only $3.99 for the first 8 weeks!!! And that INCLUDES the Sunday edition! Doesn’t that sound WONDERFUL, Mr. GeekMan?!”

GeekMan:
[thinking fast]
“Wait a moment… Jackhole, right?”

Jackhole:
“Yes sir, that’s my name! Jackhole!!!”

GeekMan:
“Well Jackhole, first off let me say I’m glad you called because the other day I was reading the paper and thought how nice it would be to have it delivered instead of having to go out and buy it every other day.”

Jackhole:
[audibly salivating]
“Well sir, that’s just GREAT!!!!!! Will you be paying with a credit card today, OR would you like us to bill you later?!”

GeekMan:
[smiling to himself]
“Woah… Slow down there, Jackhole. Not so fast. I want to hear about the other options first. You know; like if I only want the Sunday paper and not the other days’ papers delivered, or something like that. But more importantly, I’d like to know what it’s going to cost me if I continue to get the paper delivered past the 8 week introductory period.”

Jackhole:
[shooting his wad at the thought of such an easy sale]
“WELL Mr. GeekMan, I’d be HAPPY to tell you all about our delivery options!! Firstly, you can have the ENTIRE WEEK’S PAPERS delivered…”

GeekMan:
[barely able to hold back his laughter]
“Wait a second there, Jackhole! I can’t remember all this so I’m going to need to write it down. Can you hold on for a second while I go get a pen and paper?”

Jackhole:
[having a second orgasm at the thought of today’s commission check]
“Absolutely, sir!!!”

GeekMan:
“You hold on then, I found some paper here but I still need a pen. I’m going to get a pen and I’ll be right back, ok?”

Jackhole:
[probably wiping himself off with a tissue]
“OK sir! You GO GET THAT PEN and I’ll be here when you get back!!!!!”

GeekMan:
“Ok Jackhole. Don’t you hang up now, I’ll be right back. I promise.”

[GeekMan puts the phone on mute and goes back to sleep]

They’re Baaaaack!

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   11

I just couldn’t resist.

I was standing in the checkout line at Rite Aid when a blast from the past caught my eye and demanded that I purchase it, take it home, scan it in and then post it on the web so that all might see and understand my joy.

   It's Brittney Spears as Brittney SPEWS! Get it?! Get it?! This is fricking GOLD HUMOR people! Fricking GOLD!

Damn, but I’ve missed these little buggers.
Continue reading →

Name That Tune

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   6

The 80’s strike back.

Write the song title and artist name in the comments before you do the inevitable Google search for the correct answers. Then, after you’ve finished searching for the songs and going “Holy crap! I remember that one!” tell the world how many of these songs you used to love/still love and make excuses as to why you didn’t guess them in the first place. If someone can actually guess all of these songs correctly I might even buy them something from the Geek Shop. I just have no idea how someone could possibly prove that they didn’t cheat.

Oh well, here’s the lyrics. Have fun!

  1. I just freeze everytime you see through me
  2. Baby, baby, when I lay wit’ you there’s no place I’d rather be
  3. Don’t wait so long to offer assistance and don’t give up on your existence
  4. I can see your face still shining through the window on the other side
  5. Your sweet nature darling was too hard to swallow
  6. Ever since you’ve been far away I’ve been wanting to fly
  7. Because the way you move was so self-assured you knew I would surrender
  8. Flaccid ego in your hand
  9. What’s your reputation? Ecstasy!
  10. I feed you, I drink you, my day and my night
  11. Will you turn me away or touch me deep inside
  12. It’s like trying to touch the sky but overlook the sun
  13. Empty dreams can only disappoint in a room behind your smile
  14. So you say I got a funny face I got no worries
  15. I see a ship in the harbor I can and shall obey
  16. There’s a room where the light won’t find you
  17. We bite and scratch and scream all night
  18. End up lying on my face going ringy dingy ding dong
  19. They say hey little boy you can’t go where the others go
  20. Mental wounds not healing, life’s a bitter shame
  21. While the stinky food’s steamin’, your mind starts to dreamin’
  22. What good is a love affair when you can’t see eye to eye
  23. You know she likes the lights at nights on the neon Broadway signs
  24. There’s nothin’ left to talk about unless it’s horizontally
  25. And I can make you every promise that has ever been made
  26. I bought a ticket to the world, but now I’ve come back again
  27. I socialize with X-ray eyes, and ladies think it’s sweet
  28. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn
  29. The night I needed you the most my cries fell on deaf ears
  30. I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss

Correct answers will be posted when I return on Wednesday.

Note To Self #9264

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   7

Dear Self,

The next time you feel the urge to forcibly squeeze out that reluctant fart you feel hiding in your anal passageway, make damn sure it’s actually a fart before you ecstatically, and perhaps a tad over-enthusiastically, begin tensing your sphincter muscles.

Remember, you cannot ‘CTRL+Z’ in real life.

Supplemental reminder; Always carry a small package of tissues with you at all times. That and clean underwear will ensure that there will never be a repeat of “The Horrifying Elevator Fiasco Of ‘03” ever again.

Head, meet oven. Oven, this is my head.

Gift Giver Extraordinaire

• by GeekMan • In Wedding •   4

Some people are so fricking gullible nice!

This installment of The Mighty Geek’s WNPWBSFOPTDKG Award goes to a kind and generous student who, instead of buying instant Ramen noodles so he would have something to eat this week, decided to buy HoBiscuit and me this book off of our wedding registry. This is such a stupid sweet thing to do for a strange stranger like myself, that I thought I’d make fun of him today and hopefully send some linky-love his way.

You know what they say, no such thing as bad press, right?

Firstly, the gift-givers name is Jeremy and he’s a sucker kind and generous soul with the face of an angel and the body of Adonis. So all you sexy ladies should be emailing him your boobie shots right now so as to get a jump on all the models and movie stars who are sure to flood his in-basket the moment they realize he’s the answer to their wildest fantasies. And, according to the women’s bathroom stall in the campus library, he’s “hung like a racehorse!” Three separate women seem to have written that they agree, with only one dissenting voice who scribbled, “More like My Little Pony! But still, I wish he returned my calls.”

He also likes sunsets and long walks on the beach.

According to the personal ad cleverly disguised as an email that Jeremy sent me, he’s a young student of graphic design living somewhere in Canada. Now before I continue, let me take a moment to offer this piece of sage advice to the hopeful young designer;

Switch Majors! What the frick are you thinking?! Graphic designers are fricking insane! Don’t you know this yet? Look at my site, you idiot! I talk to pastry and video game consoles! I’m certifiable! Be smart and become an accountant, or a coal miner. Something, anything, but a graphic designer. Trust me; you’re much better off as a one legged high school janitor than as a graphic designer.

You all know he’ll thank me for that later.

Anywaste, not that I care, but Jeremy also claims to have spent three years studying under Master Sven Vergenstud earning a PhD in Orgasm Inducing Sensual Swedish Massages for Women. His specialty is something involving scented oils and a small egg-shaped object that vibrates, but he won’t say anything more claiming that to tell me would guarantee that I met with a horribly drawn out and torturous death involving glass rods, sea salt and my anal cavity.

Shudder.

So to sum up, do the lad a favor and shower him with kisses for his stupidity thoughtful and selfless act of charity. He has not one, but two web sites not because he’s a big show off, but because he’s just all that and a side of curly fries to boot. So check him out at GeekStrike and Czernobog’s Journal and let him know that GeekMan sent you. And ladies, I’m not kidding about that horse thing. It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple.

I swear.