Month: October 2003

Scary Lop-Stars

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories •   6

The following is a real telephone conversation with my mother.

“GeekMan, I was reading your blob yesterday…”
“Mom, it’s a Blog, not a blob. Please try to get it right, ok?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Well, considering that one is a soft, amorphous mass akin to vanilla pudding and the other is a well designed, intelligent, witty and humorous collection of essays by your son, I would hope that it would matter to you.”
“You really think you’re funny, don’t you?”
“I don’t have to think it mom, I know it.”

[crickets]

“Whatever. Anyway, I was reading your BLOG yesterday and I don’t remember the whole hot chocolate incident you wrote about. I do however remember the Lobster Incident™ and I’m really surprised you didn’t write about it, too.”
“Lobster Incident?”
“You remember, don’t you?
“Uh, no. should I?”
“Yes! You were six and your father brought home four huge lobsters and they escaped when I opened the fridge. I spent about an hour chasing them around the house with the broom because I was scared they were going to claw me to death and you kept screaming ‘The Scary Lop-Stars are gonna eat me!’ while hiding in the hallway closet!”
“OMG. Scary Lop-Stars? Really?”
“Oh my, yes. It was so bad that I had to call in our neighbor to help me catch them. You wouldn’t come out of the closet until I swore that all the Scary Lop-Stars were gone. And when we finally put them in the pot to cook them they screamed and screamed and screamed. I know all that screaming upset me, but for some reason I think I remember you sitting on a stool next to the pot rubbing your hands together and smiling. Isn’t that weird?”
“I can’t believe I hid in the closet from Scary Lop-Stars.”
“Well, you were a very… ‘delicate’ child.”
“Girlie-wimp, mom. The proper description is ‘girlie-wimp.”
“At least you didn’t wet yourself again. That’s something, isn’t it?”
“Mom, I have to go put my head in the oven now. I’ll talk to you later, ok?”
“Ok, honey. Give HoBiscuit my love.”
“Sure thing. I’ll put it in the note. Bye.”
“Bye.”

Holy crap, I was the Swedish Chef as a child. Bork, bork, bork!

Return Of Moldy Bastard

• by GeekMan • In Bread, Geek Life, Wedding •   2

It was supposed to be a nice day today.

I was sitting at my home office computer doing some work for a client when I caught a whiff of something foul. At first I thought that perhaps it was the off-white, yellowish-brown clump of fuzz I had just picked from my belly-button, but upon bringing it to my nose for a quick sniff I realized that it was actually odorless. Putting it away for later study into the special box labeled “Curious Things Removed From My Body”, I quickly scanned the room. At first I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, but when I felt something warm and slimy touch my leg I nearly jumped out of my skin in surprise.
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Complete Geek Alert

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

Blisters suck.

For the first time since I was eight and spent 12 straight hours playing Space Invaders on my Atari 2600, I’m suffering from a video game related injury. I guess it’s my own fault too, since I’m the idiot who just spent 5 hours trying to learn all of the special moves for Hayabusa in Dead Or Alive 3.

And you know what? After all that time, I still suck.

I don’t know how the hell people can possibly do the “Izuna-Otoshi” attack without having a third thumb, but apparently every human being under the age of 16 can do it six times in a row during a single round of combat while I’m left with my face stuck in the floor. That really pisses me off to no end, especially when they’re doing all of these cool special moves and all I can manage to do is “punch+punch+kick+punch”.

Dammit, I fricking suck at this game.

Oh well, at least I can still watch the sexy girl characters scamper about on the screen in their skimpy outfits. And if you watch closely, once in a while they even show panties! It’s like an indecent, decadent slice of heaven just for me. Joy!

Oh man, Kasumi versus Lei Fang. I think I just wet myself.

Want To Hire Me?

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

GeekMan
Basement of Fiery Death and Wedding Preparation
666 6th Avenue
Hells Kitchen, NY 10110
geekman at the mighty geek.com

OBJECTIVE:
To contribute to your personal and professional success through the use of my devilish charm, god-like sexual prowess, amazing good looks, biting wit, venomous sarcasm, superior intelligence, exceptional customer service and other various skills in a permanent position as the primary organizer, manager, administrator and God-Like Supreme Overlord of your pitiful life. Hire me, or I will be forced to kill this cute and fuzzy bunny.

EXPERIENCE:
Wedding Slave – New York, 2003-Forever
Visualized, assembled and delivered over 150 wedding invitations. Used creative juices to slowly roast my own brain while cutting, pasting and printing said invitations. Upon project completion, will congratulate myself by placing my penis in the waffle iron.

Blogger Supreme – The Internet, 2001-2003
Conceptualized, produced, edited, managed and updated a stupid web site no one’s ever heard of. Used sophomoric humor and a retarded kindergartener’s idea of satire to avoid the reality of my pathetically sad and lonely life.

Senior Hairstylist – Long Island, NY, 1972-2001
Consulted with clients with reference to new styles and colors, providing experienced guidance without once stabbing the noisome old hags in their eyes. Managed and maintained a large client base consisting of 100+ victims personal clients. Handled dangerous electronic devices and sharp objects with dexterity and finesse, even while running after fleeing “clients”.

Wandering Minstrel – The World, 1544-1972
Experienced in the ancient art of cavorting while wearing pink and blue tights and a hat with little bells. Wait. On second thought, let us ignore this chapter of my life and never speak of it again.

High Inquisitor & Lordship General – Spain, 1523-1544
Used the power of my office to hunt down, torture and kill anyone who didn’t like me in high school. Created the word ‘heretic’ and defined it as, “Anyone who questions what I say, doesn’t do what I want them to do or who I even think doesn’t think like I want them to think.” This definition was later co-opted by women for their own use and ‘heretic’ was redefined as “Someone I want to beat up.”

Creator of Nazrebash – Fifth Circle of the Lower Pits of Hell
June 30th, 45BC from 4:21pm to 5:15pm
Used powers magical to conceptualize, create, populate and summarily destroy an entire plane of existence, including but not limited to, the heavens, the earth and all that once lived.

EDUCATION:
Masters in Blogging When Completely Uninspired – Midvale School for the Gifted, 2003
Masters in Fear Mongering and Despotism in the 21st Century – NYU, 1999
Masters in Undead Zombie Creation – Harvard, 1921
B.A. in Theater – City College, Nome Alaska, 1874

Weekend Update

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

I’ve been a busy little boy.

This weekend was fun-filled and action packed for yours truly. I’ve been spending a lot of time doing wedding prep stuff like buying my tuxedo and finding someone crazy enough to actually marry us. I’ve also clocked more hours making wedding invitations than an illegal alien working in a Hallmark sweatshop. I swear if I never see another glue stick or hole-punch again I’ll die a happy man. Next time I design an invitation it’s going to be a simple fricking postcard and not a whole booklet with pullouts, cutouts and professional-style binding. I know it’s my own damn fault for designing it that way, but so what?

Whining and complaining makes me feel better. So poo on you.

This weekend I also attended a surprise birthday party for my friend DStortion, who is now an official grown up. It was fun watching his face as we all screamed “Surprise!” as he walked into the back room of the restaurant. Even better was watching the small trickle of pee run down his leg as he stood there in shocked surprise. I guess we shouldn’t have pointed shotguns at him while screaming, huh? Oh well, nothing a new iPod and cool keychain couldn’t fix, right D?

Oh, ha-ha. Put down that knife man, it’s not funny. Seriously.

While we were at the restaurant I saw the most inspired and effective t-shirt I’ve ever seen being worn by our waitress. It was bright red with big gold lettering and it captured the attention of everyone in the restaurant. And before you say anything, it did NOT expose cleavage, have strategically placed transparent parts, or in any other way introduce lecherous thoughts into my admittedly easily aroused and very dirty mind. So, what was it then that so captured my attention that I was making phone calls on her behalf during dinner? Quite simply, it was what the shirt said;

Help me! I need an apartment by November 1st!

Fricking BRILLIANT!

My Preciousss

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories •   16

I love hot chocolate.

Really, I do. It’s so tasty, with its chocolaty goodness, that even the smell of it can send an ecstatic shiver of excitement up and down my spine. Since it was cold out yesterday I made myself my first cup of the season of my favorite brand of instant hot chocolate, Swiss Miss (with extra marshmallows).

And god help me, I nearly wet myself in ecstasy.

As I sat there sipping the blessed nectar of the gods and watching Survivor on TV, I was transported back in time to one of the most horrific moments of my young life. I remember it like it was yesterday…
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A Mighty Surprise

• by GeekMan • In Fans •   2

Yesterday I got the shock of my life.

I was sitting here surfing the highly pornographic educational internet after my much beloved cable repair man left yesterday afternoon, when the doorbell rang. Fully expecting the cable guy to have returned to take me up on my offer of, “a much more personal thank you for a job well done” I opened the door and was amazed to find that it wasn’t the cable guy at all.
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Return Of The Geek

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   6

Break out the fermented grape juice because GeekMan is back!

The cable guy showed up this morning and proclaimed my cable modem to be ‘Deader than Milli Vanilli’s ‘98 comeback tour.’ Laughing to himself at his own joke, he replaced my defective modem with a brand-spanking new modem that miraculously worked perfectly from the moment he plugged it in.

I could have kissed him.

So, now that I have the internet again, I’ve decided to spend the day catching up on my favorite pr0n Blog sites. Tomorrow I’ll return to my usual wackiness, but for today I think I’ll just enjoy the freedom of unlimited access to boobies illegal music cracked software educational websites.

OMG! I didn’t know women could really do that with a pony!

[note to self: too truthful. insert p.c., non-offensive witticism instead]