It’s New Years Eve, are you prepared?

Have you been wasting your last few precious days of 2002 doing non-productive things like working, sleeping or eating? Do you now find yourself frantically searching for an original New Years resolution to announce to your friends and family? Are you afraid that your resolutions for this year will be just as unattainable for you as they were last year? Do you need a more practical list of resolutions? A list of things that you just know you can accomplish without fear, anxiety, self-doubt or guilt?

If you answered yes to any one of those questions, then Resolution Revolution can help you!

We at Resolution Revolution believe in a stress-free New Years celebration. We help all of our clients create a list of New Years resolutions that are not only practical, but perfect for a completely stress-free year!

Guaranteed!

We sit down with every client who walks in our door and custom design each list to fit their individual needs. Feeling lonely? We’ll help you resolve to be a lonely, unwanted, pathetic loser in the coming year! Money problems? No problem! We’ll work with you to help you with your practical resolution to become a welfare-loving, worthless mooch. Want to lose weight? Our experts can help you with your resolution to carry fewer bags and wear lighter clothes.

Just take a look at the New Years list we created for the internets most loveable loser, The Mighty Geek himself.

• Buy something electronic
• Refer to yourself in the third person for 24 consecutive hours. Example; “GeekMan is hungry. GeekMan want food.”
• Watch TV
• Play X-Box
• Breathe
• Find out what the scientific name is of the white, crusty stuff that forms on the sides of your mouth when you’re very thirsty. If there is no name, create one and copyright it.
• Age
• Eat at least one food item that does not contain yellow food dye #5
• Never watch the third Star Wars movie
• Use the word ‘Floccinaucinihilipilification’ in a sentence
• Stop inspecting each and every piece of my body that I rip, pick, peel, tear, cut or pull from myself, especially when said piece comes from nose, mouth or ear
• Sleep
• Find out what people really mean when they say, “Have a good one!”
• Write something that someone other than yourself thinks is funny

Remember, Resolution Revolution can help you make all your resolutions attainable, but we can’t do it unless you comment here first! And if you comment now, we’ll throw in a personalized insult and a bucketful of derisive remarks about your probable lineage absolutely free! That’s right; they’re yours to keep as our free gift to you just for commenting. So what are you waiting for? Comment now!

Resolution Revolution the only way to have a guilt- and worry-free New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone. See you in 2003.

I was spoiled as a child.

I’ve decided that I’ll never spoil my kids the same way I was. That way they won’t turn out to be rotten and repulsive human beings like me. Instead of being babied and taken care of until they’re in their teens, I think I’ll make them go to work and start paying their own bills early on in life.

For example, I think they should get jobs at… oh, let’s say three years old.

When I was a kid, I didn’t have to work for my food. I was spoiled rotten, what with all the hamburgers, macaroni, soda and other crap that just magically appeared on the dinner table every night. Well, my little demon spawn won’t be spoiled like that, no sireebob! They’ll be too busy working in the coal mines as shovels to eat that rich people food. Their payment for a job well done will be licking the roof of their mouth clean every day to obtain sustenance from the natural nutrients found in coal dust.

If they’re lucky, on holidays and birthdays they’ll get a stone to suck on.

As a kid, I was never whipped or beaten either. Can you imagine how soft and simperingly wimpy I was? How frickin spoiled? Well, you can be sure that my child will grow up knowing that actions have consequences! Every night before they go to bed, they’ll receive a ritualistic beating administered by homeless men wearing Mardi Gras masks and wielding raw meat clubs. Then, just to make sure the lesson sinks in, they’ll receive one lash from the ‘Thank You Cane’ for every time they cry out in pain.

They’ll grow strong, like ox.

And can you believe that I was allowed my own bed as a kid? My own frickin bed?! That’s crazy! My kids will know the value of a good nights sleep and they won’t be spoiled by stupid things like soft pillows, sheets or mattresses either. Oh no, my kids will make their own beds from daddy’s leftover broken beer bottles and their pillows will be a couple of two-by-fours lashed together with twine. In the morning, they’ll take lemon-juice baths, using dry ice soap and rusty steel wool as a washcloth.

One day my kids will thank me. I just know it.