The Online Test Takers Anonymous (O.T.T.A.) 12 Step Program

The relative success of the O.T.T.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an online Tester who no longer takes tests has an exceptional faculty for “reaching out” and helping a fellow uncontrolled Tester.

In simplest form, the O.T.T.A. program operates when a recovered Online Tester passes along the story of his or her own problem Online Testing, describes the sanity he or she has found in O.T.T.A., and invites the newcomer to join the informal Fellowship.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Fellowship:

1. We admitted we were 100% powerless over Online Tests – that our lives had become 93% unmanageable and 89% similar to the careers of Milli Vanilli.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than Online Tests could restore to us a 77% healthier offline life and over 90% of our sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn 80% of our will and 97% of our lives over to the Higher Power of Online Blogging.
4. Created our own personal Blog for the purpose of admitting to ourselves and to our Readership the exact nature of our Online Test Taking addiction.
5. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves based on past Online Test results and posted it online for the world to read and ridicule.
6. Were entirely ready to have our Readership shame and ridicule us in our Comments until we became absolved of all the defects of character our Online Tests had exposed.
7. Humbly asked another Blogger for help recovering from our addiction to Online Tests, and also in helping with our Blogs redesign to remove our obvious HTML and artistic shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all Bloggers we had harmed with our Online Test Taking addiction, and became willing to make amends to them all by showing them linky-love on our Main Blog Page.
9. Left comments on the Blogs of said people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them emotionally or adversely affect our own visitor count.
10. Continued to write and post daily about our lives, whenever possible multiple times a day, and should we succumb to taking an Online Test we would promptly admit it and post the results.
11. Sought through prayer, horribly inappropriate linkage and stupid one-line posts to improve our pathetic visitor count, praying only for acknowledgement by an A-Lister and just a small percentage of their daily visitors.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other Online Test addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Newcomers are not asked to accept or follow these Twelve Steps in their entirety if they feel unwilling or unable to do so. But they must Blog them.

They will usually be asked to keep an open mind, to attend meetings at which recovered Online Testers describe their personal experiences in achieving 85% sobriety, and to read O.T.T.A. literature describing and interpreting the O.T.T.A. program.

They are also asked to Blog.

O.T.T.A. members will usually emphasize to newcomers that only problem Testers themselves, individually, can determine whether or not they are in fact addicts.

At the same time, it will be pointed out that all available medical testimony indicates that Online Test addiction is a progressive illness, that it cannot be cured in the ordinary sense of the term, but that it can be arrested through total abstinence from Online Tests in any form.

After completing our 12 Step program, some of our members felt the need to seek help for what they called “Blog Addiction” (B.A.). Please be aware that we, being the experts in the field of REAL addictions, do not feel excessive Blogging is a real addiction.

We repeat, there is no such illness as Obsessive/Compulsive Blogging. Do not be fooled into believing this hokey, snake-oil, made-up medical balderdash created by these lunatics who call themselves ‘Doctors’. Just because they graduated from medical school doesn’t mean they’re right. Based on several scientifically accurate Online Tests, we believe there are no adverse short- or long-term effects associated with Blogging and we feel we can stop doing it any time we wanted.

We just don’t want to, that’s all.

It’s time for another installment of Blogger Insider. Today’s questions are brought to you by Cynthia Korzekwa. She seems to be a very artistic, well traveled and intelligent woman so she’s probably very disappointed to have been paired up with me for this week’s questions. You can read my questions for her and her answers here.

1. What’s the importance of humor in daily life?

   Humor is the most important thing in the world. No matter how bad things might seem, no matter what the world might throw at you, you have to be able to find the humor in it or you’ll lose your sanity. I believe it was Mel Brooks who said, “When I see an old lady fall down an open manhole I laugh, because that’s comedy. When I get a paper cut on my pinky I cry, because that’s tragedy.”

2. What are the qualities in your girlfriend that you most appreciate?

   Probably that she has breasts. Oh, and sometimes she lets me touch them.

3. What do you eat for breakfast?

   What is it with these eating questions? Do you people think I’m made of money or something? To be truthful, I’ve gotten a little tired of licking the rubber soles of my Reebok’s so I moved up to eating these tasty paint chips off the wall. I think they’re really good for me too because after every meal I come up with some wonderful ideas for new inventions, like a rug made entirely of Koosh balls. Or my computer laptop/waffle iron combo device.

4. How would you compare Anime cartoons with Michelangelo’s cartoons for THE UNIVERSAL JUDGEMENT?

   First of all, neither good anime nor anything by Michelangelo should be called a cartoon. Anyone who believes that Pokemon is a true representation of anime needs to get themselves a copy of Akira or Ah! My Goddess as soon as possible. Now that we’ve got that clarification of the way I’ll answer your question. Anime can be beautiful, moving, inspirational and emotional. Everything that good art is supposed to be and yet, most people will still see it as only a cartoon. That is their loss because to me, the only difference between good anime and the paintings of Michelangelo is that one is on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and the other is framed on my wall.

5. Do you believe that there’s a difference between the way men create as opposed to the way that women create?

   Yes. My relationship lawyer has advised me that any attempt to explain my answer any further will probably lead to a ‘No Sex Ever Again’ class action lawsuit against me. I shut up now.

6. What are your Daily Aesthetics?

   Not really sure I understand this question. Are you asking me about my exercise regimen? Or perhaps you want to know what I see every day, what surrounds me visually. I really wish I could answer this, but unfortunately it’s dark and since I have no money and hence no electricity I can’t see enough to talk about my aesthetics. And lately, my only exercise has been clinching my sphincter in fear as I turn on my computer and pray that it won’t crash and thereby destroy my only creative outlet.

7. Why do you have a weblog?

   Mostly to entertain myself. Being a freelance graphic designer (hire me) means that I sometimes have hours, days, and even weeks (please, hire me) of free time on my hands. And rather than using those hands to hold a knife (hire me) and run amok in my local Kmart, I thought it would be more productive (i’m hungry) to do some writing. I also have this insatiable desire (it’s dark here) to be universally loved and admired. Unfortunately, I’ve found (i’m lonely) that to be impossible so I’ve decided to take over the world. This will be done in three stages:

   Stage one – create a web log.

   Stage two – ???

   Stage three – rule the world with an iron fist.

   I’m still working on stage two, but (have pity, hire me) stage one is working like a charm.

8. Has your enthusiasm for internet and web design ever interferred with you sex life?

   No. You have to have a sex life before something can interfere with it, don’t you? Well then, next question.

9. What’s the Photoshop effect that you use most?

   Drop shadows. No questions about it, drop shadows are the professional designer’s best friend. Want to impress the client? Whatever it is they’re asking you to do, just add a drop shadow to it and they’ll be willing to pay you double your asking rate. For some reason drop shadows give most clients woodies and hard nipples. Go figure.

10. As a child (or even now), what’s your favorite Halloween costume?

    About seven years ago I went to a Halloween party as Ash from the Evil Dead movies. I even had the chainsaw and the Boom Stick. Everyone loved my costume. I was damn sexy. Women swooned. Really.

11. What’s currently sitting inside your refrigerator?

    A very large roach, a sentient mound of mold, a rodent with a ‘Death To Kittens’ tattoo, and something that looks like leftover tacos from my Monday night dinner. They appear to be playing poker. The rodent seems to be winning, but I think he’s cheating and the roach is getting angry.

12. What do you think about Net Art? Do you follow any Net Artists?

    I haven’t really given much thought to net art. Actually, thinking about it right now I wouldn’t even know how to define net art. Does net art mean art created using only html, or would any artwork that’s posted on the web be considered net art? If it’s the former then I don’t know of any true net artists, and if it’s the latter then anything out there right now could be considered art. And there’s a lot out there that I would never, ever call art. Like dancing hamsters.

13. In your opinion, is there a relationship between aesthetics and ethics?

    I don’t know, but if there is then ethics’ husband is going to be really pissed off.

14. I loved your sentence: “If you’re female, try the ‘Let’s Just Be Friends’ speech. That always makes it shrivel up like a slug on a salt lick”. You like to write, take photos, create web designs….do you think that having all these interests have a tendency to make you dispersive OR that these interests work synergically and stimulate you to create more?

    Huh, huhuhuh. You said stimulate. Actually, I think that all of my interests are working together to remove the last shreds of intelligence and sanity from my mind. And the final $28.31 from my checking account.

15. You say that your don’t drink, smoke, do drugs….well, honey, you must have at least one vice. What is it?

    I like to buy expensive toys. Really. This drives HoBiscuit crazy, especially when she thinks the item in question isn’t worth the amount requested. And let me tell you, she never thinks something I want is worth it. Ever.

Well, that was fun. Now where’s my Boom Stick?

It’s time for another installment of Blogger Insider. This time my partner is Jessy from It’s Me Jessy. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find a link to her archives on her site, so you might not be able to read my questions for her and her answers.*

1. Pretend there is no such thing as the Internet. What would you be doing with your life?

   What?!? Oh, I see, that’s a joke right? A joke! Ha! I get it. No internet, that’s funny. Woo, you had me scared for a minute there. You’re a funny person. Now, how about that first question? And let’s not even joke about this ‘no internet’ thing again, ok? Good.

2. Do you prefer Boxers of Briefs?

   I prefer briefs because my boys need a home and they enjoy being held in a snug pouch. Boxers lead to flipping and flopping and, worst of all, dripping.

3. I nearly had a heart attack reading “Credo of the Web Log Writer” Do you, in your honest opinion, think people lose a part of themselves when they have logs solely on the basis of becoming popular?

   That really depends on why you created your Web Log, doesn’t it? I mean, if your goal was to become famous, then you lose nothing by garnering fame and popularity through your Web Log. If however, your purpose was to have a creative outlet for yourself, then it shouldn’t matter whether you’re ‘famous’ or ‘popular’. It all depends on the individual.

4. And, as a writer does it bother you to see so many cookie cutter sites out there that don’t offer anything of substance. Just a list cute little list of “things I ate today”?

   Doesn’t bother me at all. I just click away to the next site and promise myself to never return to a place of such vapid, self-indulgent emptiness. Unless, of course, the person is a cannibal. That would be cool.

5. What did you eat today?

   Eat? Eat?!? Who do you think I am, Daddy Warbucks? I don’t have enough money to eat. I’m lucky I know enough about electrical engineering to steal the electricity necessary to turn this computer on. If my neighbors ever figure out why their ConEd bill is over $1,700 a month, I’m a dead man. Eat, pshaw. I lick the rubber soles of my 7 year old Reeboks and count myself lucky.

6. If your house caught on fire, and you could only grab one thing before getting out of there, what would it be?

   By ‘one thing’ I hope you mean one system, because there’s no damn way I’m leaving any part of my home theater system to burn up in a fire and that includes the shelving units and the rear speaker stands. The VEHTS and I are inseparable, like two sides of a coin or a reversible raincoat. You’d have to shoot me in the head twice to stop me from going back through the flames and retrieving my babies. ‘One thing’. Like that’s a fair question. What’s wrong with you?

7. What’s one thing you honestly fear in life?

   Being a nobody.

8. Laughter has an amazing power when it comes to healing. After reading your entry and seeing your pics of the Sept 11 tragedy did you feel you owed it to your readers to go back to your regularly scheduled programing?

   Nope, not at all. Although I write these entries for myself, I also write them in the hopes of entertaining others that might read them, but without any feeling of obligation to do so. In other words, I hope other people find me entertaining, but I don’t mind when they think I’m just a silly Geek with no talent. Heck, that’s what my mother tells me all the time.

9. What does the world taste like to you?

   Morning breath with the occasional aftertaste of hot chocolate. Complete with tiny, little marshmallows.

10. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If so what?

    I’ve been convicted of a crime, alright. The crime of stealing your heart! Yeah baby, YEAH!

11. What is your most treasured possession?

    Physically, The VEHTS. Emotionally, HoBiscuit’s heart.

12. Did the word pinger ever catch on?

    Unfortunately, no. And the bastards at Websters have stopped taking my calls. Damn them.

13. Who do you most admire?

    That handsome devil I see in the mirror every morning. So smart and suave, he’s got it all. Sexy bastard, come give daddy a kiss.

14. What big plans do you have for the up and coming new year?

    Make money. Go to Scotland. Make more money. Thank the powers that be for the hypnotism and drugs that keep HoBiscuit by my side year after year. Make even more money.

15. Ever done anything mean to a friend? If so what?

    Yes. Everything you can ever possibly imagine. I’m just really lucky that these saps think I’m funny and keep coming back for more. Chumps.

*Update: Here’s the link to my questions on Jessy’s web site with her answers. You’ll need to scroll down the page to the Sunday, December 30 entry. Enjoy.