Pressed For Words
Posted on August 28th, 2006
I’m starting a new PhotoBlog.
Wow, just writing that for the entire world to see is exciting in a “major loser coming out of the nerd-boy closet†kind of way. I’m actually tingling all over in awe of my own Geekiness. And right this very second, as I type these words out, I’m smiling in a cheesy consolation-prize-winning-game-show-contestant way. I could be wrong, but I also think my nipples are hard.
Yep. Hard like little, hot, pink diamonds.
Anywaste, in order to do this new site justice, I’ve gone out and designed a brand new website, complete with its own URL and all the other Geeky stuff that you don’t really care about. However, since I didn’t want to use MovableType as the main Blogging tool for this new PhotoBlog, I decided to give Wordpress a try and installed it on this new site of mine.
Because I’m so cutting edge like that, yo.
Now, here’s the thing. I don’t know diddly about Wordpress. I’ve read all the info on it and it seems pretty straight-forward when it comes to designing templates and themes and everything, but I can’t seem to wrap my tired mind around the conceptual discussions about Wordpress themes that I’m reading on the web. Which is basically my way of saying that I understand, in theory, what I’m supposed to do to make Wordpress look the way I want, but I don’t seem to be able to implement the design properly in practice.
Which is where YOU come in.
I’m looking for someone who can explain to me by example how to make my PhotoBlog design into a Wordpress theme so that I can then create other themes in the future. I’m not looking for a tutorial about Wordpress themes on the web (read them), or for a technical jargon infused dissertation about how the guts of Wordpress works (read those, too). I just want someone who can look at my design and then explain to me, through email and/or IM sessions, how to take that design and make it into a Wordpress theme, without my having to learn PHP. I want to learn how to create WP themes so that I can make them available for EVERYONE to use whether they understand the inner workings of Wordpress, PHP, HTML, CSS or not.
I know people are doing this, I just need to learn how.
And, as a reward for helping me learn the proper way to create WP themes, I would then create for you a WP theme for your Blog. That’s right, help me and I’ll try to make your site look pretty… or prettier. Or not so Blogger-template ugly. Whatever. Hey, it’s a free site redesign by a guy who makes a nice living doing graphic design work for big companies. Who knows? You might even like the new design enough to use it! So, if you’re interested in giving me a hand please email me at geekman(at-symbol)themightygeek.com.
So, who wants to help me out?
Filed under Contests | 2 Comments »
Adam Who?
Posted on August 11th, 2005
Not enough.
That’s what I have; not enough. Although I’ve recieved a nice amount of sentences from you, there just aren’t enough of them for me to make a new story out of. I need more. More. More. More.
How do you like it? How do you like it?
In an effort to get you lazy bums off your collective rear ends and send me your wackiest sentence so I can write another stupid story for your entertainment, I’ve decided that I have no other choice but to threaten you. And so, without further pomp or circumstance, here he is; Bread.
“…”
“Well?! Don’t just stand there, say something!”
“No.”
“What?!”
“…”
“You’re embarrassing me.”
“What? You think I give a flying frick about your stupid contest, numbnuts?”
“But… but you said you’d help me out!”
“And you said there’d be tacos. And unless my eye has another yeast infection, I don’t see no tacos. No tacos, no threats.”
“I’ll make them after you tell these people to write me a sentence!”
“And I’ll threaten these losers after I’ve eaten my damn tacos.”
“No tacos until you threaten them!”
“No threats until I get my tacos!”
“No tacos till threats!”
“No threats till tacos!”
“Threats first!”
“Tacos first!”
“Argh!”
“Grarg!”
“…”
“…”
“So, ah… I guess that shows you people who wears the pants around here. So get writing or Bread will… uh, chastise you… by, uh… eating all you tacos?”
“Ooo, you really showed them. I bet they’re all shaking in their little booties.”
“Shut up, Bread. You know, all you ever do is embarrass me in front of my friends.”
“Liar. You have no friends.”
“Sigh. I guess I’ll make you your tacos now.”
“Nevermind. Your tacos suck anyway, let’s order Chinese instead.”
“I hate you.”
“Right back at you, jackhole.”
“Somebody kill me.”
“Hey! That’s not too bad!”
“What are you talking about?”
“You still want me to threaten these guys?”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure I like that look in your eye…”
“Stop being such a wimp. You want those sentences or not?”
“I guess…”
“Fine. Here goes…”
“Hey! What are you going to do with that knife?”
“Hey losers! Send in your sentence by 10pm Monday or GeekMan dies.”
“Bread! This isn’t funny!”
“Bub, unless the next thing out of your mouth is ‘General Tso’s chicken’, you won’t last ’til Friday. Kapeesh?”
[whimper]
Filed under Bread, Contests, Experiments | 2 Comments »
Adam’s Revenge
Posted on July 28th, 2005
I MUST be crazy.
Two years ago I put out a call to my readership to supply me with their wackiest sentences. From those I picked the ten I liked best and weaved them together into a story to entertain you while also giving the winners some linky-love. The result was Adam Dragonhart. It’s taken two whole years for me to recover from that experience, but now that I have recovered I think I might try it again.
No, I’m not on new medication. Now shut up.
That’s not to say that this story will necessarily continue Adam Dragonhart’s adventures. For all I know it will, but it’s just as possible that something new will come to my mind based on your sentences and I’ll go off on a wild tangent that has nothing at all to do with Adam. But whatever does happen, I’m praying to heaven above that it’s funny or I suspect you’ll all show up outside my door brandishing pitchforks, torches and rotten vegetables.
So, before you fire up your favorite word processor, here’s the rules.
The sentence you send should be in English and no more than 25 words long, although those words can be of any length. And if you’re going to use a made up word, please keep it to one per sentence because your made up words are rarely as clever to others as they are to you. The sentence can be about anything at all, but please no curse words. Any entries containing curse words will not be used and yes, that means you too, mom. Also, no proper names allowed. That means if you send me a sentence that reads, “Marsha told Greg to come to Alice’s room after Cindy left the house if he wanted some of her ‘special’ Brady pie.” I’ll simply ignore it, no matter how funny I think it is.
And boy, do I ever think it’s funny.
You may send as many entries as you wish, but each entry must be contained in a separate email and only one entry per contestant will be used in the final story. Please include your URL and website name with your entry email for proper linkage. If you have no website, make sure to indicate whether you want a link to your email address or if you’d prefer no link at all, in which case your entry will contain no link and finding it in the story to point out to all your imaginary friends at school will be difficult to say the least.
But I’m sure your mother will still be proud of you.
GeekMan, that’s me, reserves the right to not use your entry no matter how clever you might think it is, even if it does involve llamas. Once submitted, all entries become the property of The Mighty Geek. In fact, I reserve all rights to submitted material. You have no rights. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. The subject line of your entry should read Adam’s Revenge. All entries must be received by 11pm EST, Wednesday August 10, 2005.
Email your entries to: geekman at the mighty geek d0t c0m
That’s it. There’s no prize money or gifts being offered here, just the chance to see your words used in a yet another weird and (hopefully) funny story. Well, that and perhaps the gift of a few meager click-throughs from the readership here at The Might Geek. Now hurry up and dream up a few zany words and string them together so I can write something funny for you!
And don’t forget to spell check!
Filed under Contests | Comments Off
All I Want For Christmas Is Views
Posted on December 24th, 2004
Merry fricking Christmas.
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m getting ready to go out for dinner with some friends so I’m going to be quick about this. But before I start handing out the prizes to the winners, let’s take a moment to acknowledge all of those who entered but lost. In other words;
Let’s talk LOSERS!
The Biggest Loser Award, of course, goes to my lifelong friend Mr. Hentai. Not only is he a loser for knowing me in real life for over 25 years, but he also can’t seem to follow simple contest instructions like my rule number three which clearly states that he needed to leave “a link to my award on your site.” By simply leaving a link to his site in general, poor Mr. Hentai gets nothing but coal in his stocking this Christmas. Schmuck.
The Runner-Up Loser Award is… a tie!
NeverSwallows, a curious moniker which I’ve been told means that she gets all her nourishment through an IV, didn’t win for the same reason Mr. Hentai didn’t. You see, just like Mr. Hentai, she can’t seem to follow directions. Awwww, poor baby.
FatDude, or FatGuy, or whatever he calls himself nowadays, is a Runner-Up Loser because he tried to enter the contest after the end of the submission time period. By email. With sad-faced emoticons, puppy-eyed begging and everything. For being too lazy to actually submit to my whims and pump my ego by giving me an award in time for my contest, I bequeath unto FatDude the Runner-Up Loser Award and a swift kick to his immense and grotesque arse. And this time I’m leaving my galoshes in there, too. Maybe it’ll teach him a lesson. Then again, maybe not.
Next we have the… uhhhh, the uhmm…
The Nominated But Still Not A Winner Awards!
This award goes to everyone who, ahhh… entered but didn’t win. Any resemblance to a pity link in the hopes of not actually alienating those who took the time to enter this contest is purely coincidental. This is an actual award and should not be looked upon as a last minute addition to appease my readers who may or may not be mentally unstable lifetime members of the NRA and able to find Brooklyn on a map.
I’m not kidding. Stop rolling your eyes.
Anywaste, the Nominated But Still Not a Winner Award goes to the following Bloggers, all of whom aren’t only non-winners, they’re non-losers, too!
But enough about the losers non-winners, let’s get to the meat and potatoes. Speaking of which, I’m damn hungry, so without further ado, let’s talk winners!
The Miss Congeniality Award is a wonderful award to win. Usually, nobody wants to be Miss Congeniality because all it means is that you lost the real prize, but not this time. No, in my stupid Christmas contest the Miss Congeniality winner will receive any item they choose from The Mighty Shop!
Oh yeah, I can smell the jealousy.
May I have the envelope, please? And The Mighty Geek Miss Congeniality Award goes to…
It’s a TIE!
Well, the judges are obviously on crack or have been bribed in some way because we all know that those two didn’t deserve this award. But, rules are rules, so JadedJu and SpreeGirl, if you’ll be so kind as to email me accepting your reward for giving me an award, I’ll send you your award reward.
Did that make sense? Ah, who cares? Let’s get to the next Award!
The Runner-Up Suck-Up Award winner will receive $25 in PayPal money OR any item off of their Amazon wishlist worth $25 or less. This is a nice prize and it should be going to a worthy person who has done something truly wonderful… but instead it will go to…
Jen of Random Gestures!
Jen, send me an email accepting your reward and we’ll set up the awarding of the reward. It’s a pity that we’ll have to do some sort of currency exchange in order for you to get your prize, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to use the ¤2,847,902.11 Drachma you’ll receive after the exchanger takes his 95% cut. Maybe you’ll buy a piece of Canadian candy or whatever it is you foreign people like to eat. Damn Canadians.
But enough about those rotten foreigners, let’s get to the true main event!
The 2004 Mighty Geek Super-Ultra Brown-Nosing Suck-Up Award winner is…
Not only did he give me an award on his site, he gave me EVERY award on his site! That level of brown nosing for a cash reward is rare indeed and all of you would be suck-up’s should go grovel at Solonors feet and devote your entire life to emulating his brown-nosing expertise. As the winner of The 2004 Mighty Geek Super-Ultra Brown-Nosing Suck-Up Award, Solonor will receive $40 in PayPal money OR any item off of his Amazon wishlist worth $40 or less. Sol, send me an email telling me how much you love me and I’ll make you $40 richer.
I hope you’re all happy. Now, if you’re reading this on Christmas, I have a special message just for you;
Get a life!
Merry Christmas. Every won.
Filed under Contests | 5 Comments »
Wanted: Awards
Posted on December 22nd, 2004
Jumpin’ Jiminy Christmas, people!
Here I am, giving away FREE MONEY and I’ve only gotten FOUR entries in my little contest?! What the heck does a guy have to do to get his readership to grovel at his feet? Beg? OK, if that’s what it takes then I’m just the Geek to do it! Here I am on my knees begging you to lower your standards, swallow your pride and pretend to actually like me for ONE STINKING POST on your Blog so you can win my money.
There, are you happy now?
You do realize that the $25 is in American money and not worthless Canadian Drachma, or whatever those heathens use, right? I realize that the dollar isn’t as strong as it used to be, but come on people, it’s still free money! It’s not as if you might have something better to do with your time, because you don’t. You’re probably just a lonely, social outcast with a monitor-induced tan, a made-up life and no friends, so stop pretending you have better things to do than shamelessly groveling at my feet in the hopes of winning money and get with the awarding already! It’s a well documented fact that if you’re running a Blog all you care about is yourself and how many other people in the world are willing to visit a site devoted to you thus proving once and for all that you truly are the center of the known universe.
You know I’m right, stop lying to yourself.
So, in order to get more of you to enter my stupid little contest, I have decided to increase the reward from $25 to a whopping $40! That’s right, I’m giving away EVEN MORE MONEY!!! Because I know that deep down you’re all greedy, little bastards and more money is just the incentive you need to get off your lazy butts and enter this contest.
But wait, there’s more.
I’m also going to be giving away a prize to the runner-up AND a prize to someone I will designate as Miss Congeniality, even if they’re a guy. Because I’m mean that way. These prizes will be determined based on my mood on Christmas Eve, but rest assured they will be good prizes. I’m not talking about a simple link and a hearty “Thank You”. I’m talking physical objects or maybe even more cash. So if $25 wasn’t enough to get you off your anus and up mine, then I hope to heaven above that $40 and more chances to win is.
Now get cracking, because I want my damn awards already!
Filed under Contests, Experiments, Rants | 10 Comments »