Month: April 2003

Help Me Choose, But Help Me Choose Wisely

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   12

I think I just might hang myself with a USB cable.

I’m looking to buy myself a new notebook computer and being the UberGeek that I am, I feel compelled to do due diligence up the wazoo and research the Snausages out of all the currently available laptops before I make my purchase. So, after spending fleeting moments picking the mounds of silly putty that pass for brains amongst the tech departments of the major computer stores within thirty steps of my front door, and after spending minute after minute sifting through the Google search results for “awesomest most ‘leet laptop computer in the frickin world” and after spending the barest minimum amount of time compiling a list of suitable computer manufacturers from whom I would even consider buying from without demanding my sales reps first born as collateral, I think I’m almost ready to make my decision.

So far, I’ve narrowed down my choices to these select few manufacturers;

  • Acer
  • Alienware
  • Dell
  • Fujitsu
  • Gateway
  • IBM
  • Sager
  • Sony
  • Toshiba
  • Winbook

Well… perhaps ‘narrowed down’ is a little misleading.

At least I’ve managed to cross HP/Compaq off the list so far. Of course, they were never on the list to begin with since I hate their computers with a passion usually reserved for people who talk on their cell phones while breast feeding a their baby in a crowded movie theater.

Or Celine Dion. Whichever.

Anywaste, since I’m a lazy bastard and I actually believe that my visitors are a smart and tech savvy bunch of people, I’m looking for your help with making my decision. What? You’d be happy to offer your advice? Great! I knew you would be! Let me tell you a little more about what I’m looking for in my new laptop;

  • 512 MB RAM
  • 20GB or greater hard drive
  • 14” or larger screen
  • Minimum 1024x768x32bit resolution
  • Minimum 32 MB DEDICATED video RAM
  • ATI or nVidia graphics card
  • CDRW/DVD combo drive or equivalent
  • Built in 10/100Mbps LAN and 56K modem
  • Preferably built in 802.11b wireless or optional add-in card at time of purchase
  • At least 2 USB ports
  • Preferably at least 1 Firewire port
  • At least one year of on-site service and support
  • Win XP Pro
  • Under $2,100 including shipping and tax

See? It’s not like I’m asking for the impossible or anything, right?

You might have noticed a few things that are missing from that list, most noticeably there’s no processor mentioned. That’s because any of the newest processors would be more than enough for my needs. For arguments sake though, we could say that anything above a P4 2Ghz and an AMD 18000+ would be fine.

The new Intel Centrino’s would be even better. *drool*

Sound doesn’t matter to me; I like my VEHTS better anyway. I also don’t care about floppy drives or battery life. I can’t remember the last time I used a floppy drive and if I ever use the damn thing for more than 10 minutes unplugged I think I might fall down dead in shock. I might go into convulsions first and foam at the mouth, but trust me; I’d be on the ground and dead in less than a minute. Pushing up the daisy’s before you could even think of pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del.

So smart guy, what laptop computer would you suggest?

Maybe I’m Afraid Of Vampires

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   6

It seemed so harmless at first.

Thursday night I went out with some friends for dinner at a restaurant I had never been to before. I ordered a wonderfully tasty 16oz steak covered with some type of garlic sauce. It did come with a side of unidentified green vegetables, but I was too busy shoving steak down my throat with a sawed off chair leg to notice what it was.

The waiter suggested using compressed air, but that gives me gas.

Walking down the street on Friday afternoon, I was struck by the sudden need to have myself a slice or three of pizza. Of course, in order to properly eat world famous Brooklyn pizza, one must add some ‘perfection enhancing’ condiments to the superheated slice of heaven on earth before one can fully enjoy eating it. Of course, I’m talking about some crushed red pepper and a little garlic.

OK, a lot of garlic.

Later that day, Mother Geek came over for a visit and I decided to cook a nice dinner for her and HoBiscuit. I chose to make my infamous garlic & pepper filet mignon and garlic mashed potatoes, with sautéed onions and spinach as a second side dish. The ladies and I ate everything on our plates and then spent the next two hours picking spinach out of our teeth.

Have you caught on to the pattern yet?

Saturday afternoon I had Chinese food, specifically chicken in garlic sauce. For dinner, I went to a favorite restaurant of mine and ordered a dish that has as its main ingredients, beef & garlic.

Ah, I can see the light coming on over your head.

To make this long story a little shorter I have had at least one meal a day for the last four days that has had garlic in it. And now it is early Monday morning and I am not asleep in my bed. I am not sleeping even though I should be and even though HoBiscuit is happily snoring away in dreamland. Why am I not in bed, you ask?

Because I stink.

I stink to high-frickin-heaven, I do. I used to love garlic, but I tell you garlic is no longer my friend. HoBiscuit has made it very clear that no one who smells like garlic will be kissing her good night tonight and no matter how many times I brush my teeth or gargle with mouthwash; I continue to smell like garlic. So, while I’m stuck here in front of the computer with the foul odor of garlic wafting up from my body like the dust cloud of dirt from PigPen in those Peanuts cartoons, I thought I might as well ask you folks a question; Do you think it was a good idea for me to eat the leftover garlic bread as a midnight snack?

Uh-huh, I thought so. Dammit.

Submission #0000001

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

Citizens, Behold! A new Heroic Team is born!

The meek and timid mass of humanity living within the Big City need never fear the mechanizations of the villainous underworld lying just beneath the surface of their ordinary world again. The good people of AnySmall Town have two new defenders of Justice, two new Protectors of the Way, two new Heroes of Note who are willing to fight for the rights of The Little Guy.

And to them, we are all ‘The Little Guys’.

They shall protect the people of their world, these Mighty Saviors, this Dynamic Duo. No crime shall go unpunished while they are on duty. No shifty-eyed super-villain will escape from the vice-like grip of their Pincers of Righteousness. They are the Defenders of the Defenseless. They will dictate to the Dictator and be heard. They are the Right Hand of Justice, the Left Foot of Freedom, the Throbbing Sexual Organ of Democracy.

They are Bush Master and The Blair Bitch!

Empty-headed public speakers by day, these two Fighters of the Good Fight are ever-ready to jump into action. Sliding down Cleverly Hidden Poles in their secluded mansion whenever the Walkie-Talkie of Imminent Danger should glow with an Amber Alert, they reach the Secret Cave of Pleasure Wonder and don their Plastic & Lycra Battle Suits, complete with Nipple Plates & Codpiece, to rid the world of the evildoers who would threaten the liberties of those under their protection. Their Fanny Packs of Many Uses containing all their tricks and toys for fighting crime belted tightly to their waists.

Bush-A-Rangs and Ultimatum Nunchucks included.

Jumping into The Mighty Mini, Big Dubya and the Boy Blunder race off into the night in search of danger, adventure and any wrongs they need to make right. Perhaps there has been another cowardly attack on Gotham by Osama, The Riddlizer? Could it be that Frances François, better known as Two-Faced, is causing trouble again? Or is it another sick and twisted game being played by their arch-enemy Saddam, the Practical Jokester? Whatever it is, whatever the cost, you can be sure that Bush Master and the Blair Bitch are out there right now, doing everything they can to protect Joe Sixpack and Jane Boxowine from the evils of the world around them.

BushMaster and The Blair Bitch. Coming next season to the WB. Be There!

Thanks to Solonor for pointing this stupidity out to me.

Voices In My Head

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   3

OK. I’m home, now what?

Well Me, we could always finish that new site redesign we’ve been working on for the last month. It’s almost all done, just a few tweaks left, and all we really have to do is upload the new graphics and style sheet. But we both know we won’t do that, don’t we? Too much like real work for our lazy ass, isn’t it?

Shut up, Self.

Awwww. Did I hurt someone’s feelings? Are we going to cry now? Huh? You wanna cry? Go ahead and cry you simpering wimp. I can’t wait to tell Bread how much of a pus…

Shut up! Dammit, I need a new inner monologue.

Quit complaining. I’m the best you can afford so suck it up and deal. Since you didn’t like my first suggestion, how about we do something else? Something that is fun, monotonous, time consuming and doesn’t take any real thought to accomplish?

Ex-Boxx?!

Not quite. I was thinking more along the lines of personal grooming. Off the top of my head, how about clipping our nails? You know, our toenails are getting just a little long. In fact, the only reason we aren’t in an airport security holding cell right now is that our left pinky toenail is technically 1/9th of an inch less than the requisite 3” necessary for confiscation.

Well, they did let me through, didn’t they?

Yeah, but only after they gave you that full body cavity search. Without using any lubricant and in full view of the entire airport. Come to think of it, wasn’t there a really attractive brunette standing nearby watching the whole thing and laughing?

Well, she didn’t help things when she pointed at my crotch and screamed, “I didn’t know they could shrink!”

Ah. Yes, that was a little embarrassing, wasn’t it? But isn’t it funny how she turned out to be your seatmate for the entire trip back home? And I thought it was really quite clever of her when the flight attendant came by with the peanuts and she offered to give you hers because, ‘it looked like you can use all the nuts you can get.’

Argh. Must you bring that up again?

Now, and at least once a week for the rest of our life, buddy.

Dammit.

The King Is Dead

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   2

A little advice.

If you ever should happen to find yourself walking past the Flamingo Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas at around two in the afternoon you should do yourself a favor and close your eyes, plug your ears and run for your life. If you don’t, then you have a very good chance of being scarred for life as you witness the worst impersonation of all time. A very fat, middle-aged, tone-deaf and Asian Elvis singing, ‘Hound Dog’.

Trust me, it’s not nearly as amusing as it sounds.