Cell Phoney

I just don’t get it.

Why is it that cell phone service plans are still so expensive years and years after land lines and internet access have become so inexpensive as to almost be considered a necessary commodity? It truly does boggle my mind that I’m going to have to pay over $200 fricking dollars a fricking MONTH in order to get 700-1,000 minutes of talk time plus internet access plus text messaging for two people!

What the frick?!

How does this make sense? Oh, I can understand it making sense to the providers, it is money after all. But how in the world can they charge more for a text message than for the actual phone calls a person makes when anyone who has ever used a computer can tell you that voice data is “heavier” (meaning more bandwidth intensive) than text? That’s what I call gouging, plain and simple.

And how about the phones?

I mean, if you want a “cool” phone your choice is practically nonexistent. Where are the colors? Where are the slick form factors? Why are there tons of cool phones available in Japan and Korea but none here in the States? I want my bright red, super-slim, internet enabled, full Qwerty keyboard phone, dammit!

With a 3 megapixel camera, of course.

But let’s forget about the perfect phone and talk about the service you can get with current phones for a minute. We all know that if you want good service then the phones are going to look like they were designed in 1995. They claim to do all this cool stuff, but really, they don’t. Or they do it, but in a half-assed way. Sure, the RAZR will do text messaging, but who the hell wants to use the number keypad to text? Want to text your SO, “Want to have dinner?” That’ll be 92668 # 8666 # 44288833 # 3444666633777.

And who the heck knows how to enter a question mark?

Want a PDA-like phone? Well then you better not want to make a phone call because they suck at that. Want a cool ringtone? That’ll cost you $2 and you lose it if you ever reset your phone. Want unlimited messaging? That’ll be $20 per phone and you might not be able to send more than 250 characters per message!

That’s fewer characters than in the last paragraph alone!

And why in the world are certain phones, made by third party makers no less, offered only by certain providers? Do you like the style of Slide-Up Qwerty Keyboard Model X5? Too bad, because it’s only offered by provider Z and their service in your area is poopie. Exclusive deals are nice for the companies, but even when the phone you want is being offered by the provider you want to use, they disable all the cool features you wanted in the first place! And then you find out a similar phone is being offered by another provider, but that provider’s service is so bad in your area you’d rather shoot BBs into your ears until you go deaf than use them as your provider.

ARGH!

I’m sick and tired of going through the anxiety of researching cell phone providers every two years and coming to the conclusion EVERY TIME that they all suck. True, I’ve been happy with my current provider, but they don’t offer any cool phones at all. Not one. They’re all ugly or, worse yet, old-fashioned looking with no keyboard. Plus, my provider’s internet options are so outrageously expensive that I think I’ll vomit blood if I see another surcharge for “10¢ per additional text message.” I need a new provider AND a new phone and I don’t know what to do.

Someone, anyone, help me out? Please?