Epiphany

January 9, 2004 • by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Wedding • 8

It just occurred to me that I’m going to have sex.

What I mean is; I’m married now so at some point in the future I almost have to get lucky. Right? Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not even for years and years and years. But one day HoBiscuit will turn to me and say those three little words that every Geek ever born knows will lead to hot monkey sex, and this is one Geek who’s going to start training now so he’ll be ready for that big day.

50 pushups every night. No hands.

That’s right people; GeekMan is ready for action! I won’t be caught unawares. I’m going to be a lean, mean, sex machine. My moment in the sun, my time to set off fireworks to the music of the night is fast approaching and I’m going to be ready. Ready for HoBiscuit to finally give in to my charms, my suave and debonair advances, my begging & pleading and utter those three, sweet, sexy words that’ll lead to sweaty bodies and stained sheets.

“I want kids.”

Oh man, just writing that made my nipples hard. Yeah baby, YEAH!

Hello World

January 5, 2004 • by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Wedding • 10

I live again. Kinda.

It’s a whole new world for me now. I’m no longer the pathetic little Geekman you might remember from just a few short weeks ago. Things have changed for me, much is different, and nothing will ever be the same again. There’s a ring on my finger, a humongous wedding bill in my mailbox and a burn on my forehead from the ceremonial branding iron that reads, OWNED.

Sorry ladies, I’m now a married ~~man~~ Geek.

For those who might care about such things as a tell-all about the bachelor party debauchery, or a description of the beautiful wedding ceremony, or a play by play analysis of the action-packed and activity filled reception, please keep your panties from getting tied in a knot and be patient for just a little bit longer. The gory details, complete with some pictures, will be forthcoming. But for right now, the new Mrs. GeekMan and I are fricking tired and are going to spend a little while together doing married couple things.

For example; sleep like the dead.

And after an eight hour party for almost 200 of our closest family and friends, I think we deserve some sleep. Don’t you? And before anyone asks, the answer is no. Bread did NOT make it into the bridal suite to videotape me begging for some newlywed nookie. And just to make it perfectly clear right now, I slept on the couch because my back hurt and not because I had any performance anxiety regarding my sexual prowess. I’ll have you know I’m a tiger in bed. That’s right, a tiger.

A. Fricking. TIGER.

Rowr.
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Yeah, We Got That

December 1, 2003 • by GeekMan • In Geek Life • 3

Friday morning, 6:27am.

[telephone ringing]

GeekMan:
“Hello…?”

GeekMom:
“GeekMan! You need to wake up! Right now!”

GeekMan:
[groggy, but alarmed]
“Huh? What? Mom? Is something wrong? Are you OK?”

GeekMom:
[exasperated]
“Of course I’m OK! But you need to get up and listen to me, right now!”

GeekMan:
“Mom, you’re scaring me. What time is it?”

[looks at clock]

“OMG! It’s 6:30 in the fricking morning, mom! Whatever this is about, if it’s not life-threatening then it can wait until after I wake up at about noon, OK? I’m going back to bed now…”

GeekMom:
“No, it can’t wait and if you hang up on me then I won’t buy you anything. Unless, of course, you don’t need anything from the Super-Duper, 2-Hours Only Mega-Sale at Staples…”

GeekMan:
[suddenly more awake than he’s ever been in his life]
“Staples is having a special 2-hour sale?! Hold on a second and I’ll get the list I keep handy for just such an emergency…”

GeekMom:
“You better hurry. There’s a grandmother with a cane eyeballing the free-after-coupon-and-rebate scanner that I want and I’ll be damned if some old fart’s going to beat me to the last one.”

And you can bet my mother beat that old fart to the last scanner. Boo-yah.

She also got me some really great stuff at amazing discount prices. Things like a few hundred CD-Rs, another few hundred flat CD jewel cases, two 256MB Thumbdrives, and even a 17” flat-screen LCD monitor. And all for under $300. Yes, that price includes the LCD. Are you jealous? Oh yeah, I know you are. My mom rocks, even when she does wake me up at 6:30 in the fricking morning.

Mmmm… LCD. So bright, so colorful, so pretty… and all mine.

It’s The Little Things

November 25, 2003 • by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Wedding • 4

Conversation in the tux rental shop.

Tux Guy:
“OK sir, we’ll just need a few more measurements and we’ll be all finished. Teresa here will take those measurements for you.”

Grandpa:
“Hey! Just what do you think you’re doing down there, girlie?”

Teresa:
[blushing furiously]
“Well sir, I need to measure your inseam…”

Grandpa:
“Oh. Well, as long as you’re down there, would you mind jingling my bells a little? It’s been a long time since my wife touched me there and I want to make sure they still work.”

Teresa:
[embarrassed and flustered]
“Sir!”

Grandma:
“Tell you what girl, if you can find them I’ll give you a hundred bucks.”

Tux Guy & Teresa:
“Hahahahahahaha!”

Grandpa:
“GeekMan, what are you doing?”

GeekMan:
“Quiet! I’m using my latent psychic abilities to will myself to die of embarrassment.”

I have no idea why they all found that so funny. Bastards.

Mighty Cool

November 18, 2003 • by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, PhotoBloggery • 13

I was a handsome devil.

Doing a pirouette in front of the mirror one last time, I smiled at my reflection (letting my dimples nearly swallow my head) and skipped to the door. My mother and brother had been ready to leave for my cousins wedding for the last half an hour, but when it comes to the perfection that was me, they knew I could not be rushed. Rushing would produce imperfections, you understand, and imperfections were not acceptable to people who were in all ways perfect.

You know, people like me.

Upon seeing me in my powder blue, velvet collard tuxedo and puffy, ruffled shirt, my mother nearly cried as she gushed about how good I looked. And I could do nothing but agree with her. I was damn good looking. I mean, with my Flobie haircut, oversized, black, velvet bowtie and polyester pants, what girl could resist me?

That’s right, none of them could. Not. One. Single. Female.

And that wasn’t even taking into account my disarming ability to charm girls and women of all ages with my innate ability to say the exact wrong thing in any social situation in my high-pitched, frightened-girl-screeching-at-a-spider-like voice. You know, things like, “Grandma smells like rotten medicine. Do I have to kiss her?” Or, “Aunt L, what’s a dirty who-ah? My mommy keeps calling you that every time you talk to my daddy.” And my personal favorite, “Hi Christine! My daddy said I should take you outside and ‘Give her what’s she’s begging for.’ but you can’t have my Big Wheel, no matter how much you beg.”

I was such a ladies man.

As proof of my studly-manliness, here’s a photo of me at my cousins wedding right before the DJ started playing The Hustle by Van McCoy and I lit up the dance floor like a mini-Travolta covered in napalm. Yeah, that’s right ladies. You know you want me. And you know that I know you want me. And I know that you know that I know you want me. Oh yes, it’s an infinite and perpetual circle of lust that will only grow stronger the more you resist. Give in ladies; give in to my obvious charms and your most base desires. Come to the Geek. Embrace the Geek. Love the Geek.

Yeah, baby! YEAH!

I Am Not The Man

November 7, 2003 • by GeekMan • In Geek Life • 5

I went to a funeral yesterday.

It was for my Grand-Aunt P. who was an amazing 97 years old. And although my entire family is saddened by her passing, we are still the Geek family and so we could not let such a gathering go by without at least one true moment of embarrassment that will live forever in the annals of our family’s shame.
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Mother Of Babel

October 28, 2003 • by GeekMan • In Geek Life • 4

[sounds of ringing telephone]

GeekMan:
“Hello?”

GeekMom:
“GeekMan! You’ve got to help me! The Thing isn’t working!”

GeekMan:
“Mom? What thing are you talking about?”

GeekMom:
“You know, The Thing. The Thing we just got.”

GeekMan:
“Oh. Right, The Thing. What’s wrong with it?”

GeekMom:
“When I turn it on it just beeps and then a message comes up telling me something’s wrong.”

GeekMan:
“OK, I think I understand now and there’s no need to panic mom. I can fix The Thing this weekend.”

GeekMom:
“OK, but there’s something else. I can’t get to My Stuff.”

GeekMan:
“Your Stuff?”

GeekMom:
“You know, My Stuff. My Pages. Like the weather page, my stamps pages and my mail stuff. You know, My Pages.”

GeekMan:
“Oh. You mean The Thing won’t connect so you can get to Your Pages?”

GeekMom:
“Yeah.”

GeekMan:
“What about The Old Thing?”

GeekMom:
“Oh, The Old Thing is fine. But The New Thing just makes noises and doesn’t… whatchamacallit, connect.”

GeekMan:
“OK mom, I think there might be a real problem with The Thing. I’ll need to call The People to figure out what’s wrong with The New Thing. In the meantime, if you need to get to Your Stuff, connect with The Old Thing and we’ll transfer Your Stuff to The New Thing this weekend. Is that OK?”

GeekMom:
“Yeah, that sounds fine.”

GeekMan:
“Good. I’ve got to get back to work now, so I’ll talk to you later, OK?”

GeekMom:
“OK. Love you, and tell WhoreCookie I said hi.”

GeekMan:
“Uh, mom? Who’s WhoreCookie?”

GeekMom:
“Crap! You know who I meant!”

[end phone call]

Yawn

October 24, 2003 • by GeekMan • In Geek Life • 2

I’m tired.

I think I’m going to go back to bed and try to restart the dream I was just having. It was a good one, too. It involved Salma Hayek, Lucy Lui, Beyoncé, Jessica Alba and me. If I remember correctly, we were at some kind of private party and the ladies had been drinking a little and decided that what they really needed as a nightcap was a GeekMan sundae.

Who was I to argue?

So into the hot tub I went, followed by 20 gallons of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream and about 10 pounds of whipped cream. All of this was fine and dandy, but I knew things weren’t going to end well when Lucy announced that she was allergic to nuts and Jessica told her that it just wasn’t a GeekMan sundae without the nuts. With Beyoncé backing Jessica and Salma egging Lucy on, a catfight was inevitable.

Who was I to stop it?

Just as Jessica ripped Lucy’s shirt open to reveal her black, lacy bra and Lucy retaliated by tearing Jessica’s skirt from her luscious body, I was rudely awakened by the sound of a ringing telephone. And now, all I want to do is go back into this dream to see how it ends because call me curious, but I really want to know who could kick who’s ass; Lucy Lui or Jessica Alba. More importantly, since I’m the damn prize, I want to know how I’m going to ‘reward’ the winner and/or console the ‘loser’.

Who am I to choose?
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Note To Self #9264

October 17, 2003 • by GeekMan • In Geek Life • 7

Dear Self,

The next time you feel the urge to forcibly squeeze out that reluctant fart you feel hiding in your anal passageway, make damn sure it’s actually a fart before you ecstatically, and perhaps a tad over-enthusiastically, begin tensing your sphincter muscles.

Remember, you cannot ‘CTRL+Z’ in real life.

Supplemental reminder; Always carry a small package of tissues with you at all times. That and clean underwear will ensure that there will never be a repeat of “The Horrifying Elevator Fiasco Of ‘03” ever again.

Head, meet oven. Oven, this is my head.

Scary Lop-Stars

October 14, 2003 • by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories • 6

The following is a real telephone conversation with my mother.

“GeekMan, I was reading your blob yesterday…”
“Mom, it’s a Blog, not a blob. Please try to get it right, ok?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Well, considering that one is a soft, amorphous mass akin to vanilla pudding and the other is a well designed, intelligent, witty and humorous collection of essays by your son, I would hope that it would matter to you.”
“You really think you’re funny, don’t you?”
“I don’t have to think it mom, I know it.”

[crickets]

“Whatever. Anyway, I was reading your BLOG yesterday and I don’t remember the whole hot chocolate incident you wrote about. I do however remember the Lobster Incident™ and I’m really surprised you didn’t write about it, too.”
“Lobster Incident?”
“You remember, don’t you?
“Uh, no. should I?”
“Yes! You were six and your father brought home four huge lobsters and they escaped when I opened the fridge. I spent about an hour chasing them around the house with the broom because I was scared they were going to claw me to death and you kept screaming ‘The Scary Lop-Stars are gonna eat me!’ while hiding in the hallway closet!”
“OMG. Scary Lop-Stars? Really?”
“Oh my, yes. It was so bad that I had to call in our neighbor to help me catch them. You wouldn’t come out of the closet until I swore that all the Scary Lop-Stars were gone. And when we finally put them in the pot to cook them they screamed and screamed and screamed. I know all that screaming upset me, but for some reason I think I remember you sitting on a stool next to the pot rubbing your hands together and smiling. Isn’t that weird?”
“I can’t believe I hid in the closet from Scary Lop-Stars.”
“Well, you were a very… ‘delicate’ child.”
“Girlie-wimp, mom. The proper description is ‘girlie-wimp.”
“At least you didn’t wet yourself again. That’s something, isn’t it?”
“Mom, I have to go put my head in the oven now. I’ll talk to you later, ok?”
“Ok, honey. Give HoBiscuit my love.”
“Sure thing. I’ll put it in the note. Bye.”
“Bye.”

Holy crap, I was the Swedish Chef as a child. Bork, bork, bork!