“The king is dead, long live the king.”

“Not since the awe-inspiring McSalad Shaker from McDonalds has there been a more worthy recipient of the award for Most Innovative Non-Invention of the Year. This year’s competition was fierce, with Pledge’s Pledge Wipes making a strong showing against the hopeful newcomer Pasta Pronta’s Pasta Cooker With Stainless Steel Strainer Lid.”

“Strong contenders both, but ultimately they fell to the champ.”

“Today I am proud to announce the winner of 2002’s Most Innovative Non-Invention of the Year. This year’s winner has done what many of its fellow products have wished to do all year. By simply making a minor change in packaging, and without changing any other part of itself in the slightest (except for a meager increase in price, ha – ha), our winner has managed to fool the general public into believing that a monumental, earth-shattering, life-altering change has taken place.”

“Huey Lewis said it best. It certainly is ‘Hip to Be a Square’.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado please allow me to introduce the marketing genius we are all here to celebrate tonight. The winner of the brand new Mini Cooper and the all expense paid trip to Warwick, New Jersey… Ocean Spray’s New Square Bottle!”

[wild applause]

“Thank you. Thank you all. This is such an honor, even more so since my childhood hero, Mr. Pooper-Scooper himself, is presenting it. Oh dear lord, I’m going to cry. I have so many people to thank, so many who contributed to this award behind the scenes. Please bear with me and I’ll try to be brief. I just hope I don’t forget anyone.”

[paper rustles]

“I’d like to thank the Academy, the grocers, and all the people who drink cranberry juice. I’d also like to thank my bottler, Murray Chipowski. He’s a great guy and I wouldn’t be here if not for him. Brian, Jess, Helen and Javier in marketing for that wonderful introductory commercial, you guys rock! My agent Bill Jedburro and my manager Sid Venturo. Thanks guys, you really earned your 30%! Oh, and thank You God, because without His guidance through the year I would have quit long ago. He keeps me humble. Thank you, all of you. I love you all. Save the Whales!”

[leaves stage to thunderous applause]
[runs back]

“Oh crap! I almost forgot. Thank you to Venessa, my wife! Oh honey, I didn’t mean to forget you! Please let me back in the house? I promise to never ask you to do that for me again. I swear. And my kids! I love you guys, no matter what your grandmother tells you while I’m away. Don’t listen to her because you know she’s a nutcase. I’m taking counseling now, so I promise I won’t yell at you anymore. I’m getting better, I swear. Please. It’s cold in the shelter and I miss my family…”

[a sobbing Square Bottle is led offstage by beautiful handler]
[uncomfortable silence]

“Ahem… well, I guess it’s a good thing we gave him a Mini Cooper then, huh?”

[uproarious laughter from audience as Mr. Pooper-Scooper mugs for the crowd]
[sound of muffled gunshot from backstage]
[cut to commercial]

“What the heck?”

I stared at the tiny, hard, white and rubbery thing that I had just coughed up in consternation. I didn’t remember eating anything like what I was holding in my hand, and since the offending object had somehow managed to crawl up from the depths of my esophagus without my noticing it until it began its tickle torture on my uvula, I wanted to know what the hell it was before I smooshed it between my fingers and tossed it in the trash. What can I say? After being forced to watch Joe Millionaire last night I was feeling particularly vindictive.

Yeah, I’m petty. So what?

The offending object had the color of dirty milk and, by the way it had managed to ravage my throat as it made its escape from my windpipe, an outer shell made of equal parts sandpaper, old leather and ground glass. It was about the size of half a grain of rice, but squashed flat with a small lump in the center. Kind of like it’s nucleus, so to speak.

Rolling it between my fingers had no effect on its shape.

I started listing everything I had eaten in the last few days in my head trying to figure out what this alien embryo was made of. After about half an hour I found that I was making myself hungry but was still completely flabbergasted and no closer to identifying my mystery throat ejaculate than I had been before I began. Shrugging mentally, I flicked the offensive piece of detritus off my hand and continued on my way, determined to put it completely out of my mind.

But the little bastard was not to be gotten rid of so easily.

All day, no matter what I’ve been doing, thoughts of that unidentified piece of crap have been running through my head. I know I’m not the only person to ever have something like that come out of their mouth because I’ve actually asked people and it seems to have happened to almost everyone. Everyone seems to agree that they’re annoying but no one, and I mean no one, has any idea what the name of the damn things are, or what they’re made of.

Not even my doctor friends.

So, now that I’m unable to sleep because I’ve been too busy doing internet searches for ‘white thingie you cough up’ I figured I might as well ask my loyal readers if anyone else out there has ever had the misfortune of discovering one of these little bastards clinging to the back of their tongue. If so, what the hell was it and what do you think it was made of? Oh, and by the way, I’ve taken the liberty of naming them just so I can stop coming up with clever ways of saying ‘hard, white thingie I coughed up from my throat’. From this day forward these tiny minions of evil shall be known throughout the world as Throat Scabs.

Copyrighted and Trade Marked by The Mighty Geek. Patent Pending.

Just like Pinger©™®.
Continue reading →

I figured it out.

I have done the impossible and discovered the perfect way for people to lose weight. No fad diets, no strange foods and absolutely no exercise required. You won’t be bending over for a choco-latte enema or strapping on some battery operated abs-shocker contraption either. And unlike my last weight loss idea, this time there will be no Do-It-Yourself Liposuksational Hoover Weight Remover Kit to send away for.

And for the record, I still think that was a pretty good idea.

My idea stems from the observation that people are stupid. I believe that doctors, pharmacists and physical fitness trainers are going about weight loss in the wrong way. The stupid way. We don’t need to do more exercise to lose weight; we need to eat healthy things. But instead of treating the problem everyone is treating the symptoms.

This is where my idea comes in.

I think that what the world needs to lose weight is a new pill that will completely screw up the normal human perception of taste. Something that will make sugar taste like boogers and chocolate like kangaroo droppings. We need a drug that will make all those cardboard/Styrofoam rice cakes taste more like pizza. Anything with tofu or cauliflower will become as irresistible to people as a three flavor ice cream banana boat sundae. Want a snack? Try some of this raw spinach! Thanks to my new drug that spinach will taste just like steak! Water will taste like coffee! Orange juice will be the new beer! Asparagus, tomatoes, rocks, dirt! They’ll all taste frickin awesome!

Strangely, guacamole will still taste like crap, but no one will care.

I think it’s high time someone brought this important insight into weight loss to the public and luckily I’m just the guy to do it. And I’ll have you know that we here at Geek Labs are working day and night to concoct this new miracle drug because we hope to patent it and then sell it to a large pharmaceutical company for billions.

What can I say? I’m frickin greedy.

It’s flashback time!

That’s right, I’m starting off the new year by proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’ve got no talent left in me. Instead of being original and writing something new and funny for you, I’ve decided to do the easy thing and just link to a bunch of posts I made throughout the last year in the hopes somebody would care enough to actually click the links and read my words.

I even dare to dream that someone might find them funny.

So if you’re into self torture and want to know which posts I thought were my best last year, start clicking those links. But if you’re smart, you’ll have already concluded that I’m just an idiot and unplugged your computer, tossed it into the fire and then scattered the ashes to the four winds for having the audacity to bring you here in the first place.

Consider yourself warned.

• The Mighty Beginnings
• The Answerizer
• Elevator Fun
• The Bike Stories – One, Two and Three
• Imperfect Getaway
• An Open Letter To The Phone Company
• The Web Log Writers 12 Commandments
• CityBoy’s Big Day
• PhotoBloggery 01
• Super Secret Government Meetings
• They’re Trying to Kill Me
• I’m Too Young For This
• Blog Star
• Blog Lib
• The New Deal
• Meeting Boris
• Leftover Angst

It’s New Years Eve, are you prepared?

Have you been wasting your last few precious days of 2002 doing non-productive things like working, sleeping or eating? Do you now find yourself frantically searching for an original New Years resolution to announce to your friends and family? Are you afraid that your resolutions for this year will be just as unattainable for you as they were last year? Do you need a more practical list of resolutions? A list of things that you just know you can accomplish without fear, anxiety, self-doubt or guilt?

If you answered yes to any one of those questions, then Resolution Revolution can help you!

We at Resolution Revolution believe in a stress-free New Years celebration. We help all of our clients create a list of New Years resolutions that are not only practical, but perfect for a completely stress-free year!

Guaranteed!

We sit down with every client who walks in our door and custom design each list to fit their individual needs. Feeling lonely? We’ll help you resolve to be a lonely, unwanted, pathetic loser in the coming year! Money problems? No problem! We’ll work with you to help you with your practical resolution to become a welfare-loving, worthless mooch. Want to lose weight? Our experts can help you with your resolution to carry fewer bags and wear lighter clothes.

Just take a look at the New Years list we created for the internets most loveable loser, The Mighty Geek himself.

• Buy something electronic
• Refer to yourself in the third person for 24 consecutive hours. Example; “GeekMan is hungry. GeekMan want food.”
• Watch TV
• Play X-Box
• Breathe
• Find out what the scientific name is of the white, crusty stuff that forms on the sides of your mouth when you’re very thirsty. If there is no name, create one and copyright it.
• Age
• Eat at least one food item that does not contain yellow food dye #5
• Never watch the third Star Wars movie
• Use the word ‘Floccinaucinihilipilification’ in a sentence
• Stop inspecting each and every piece of my body that I rip, pick, peel, tear, cut or pull from myself, especially when said piece comes from nose, mouth or ear
• Sleep
• Find out what people really mean when they say, “Have a good one!”
• Write something that someone other than yourself thinks is funny

Remember, Resolution Revolution can help you make all your resolutions attainable, but we can’t do it unless you comment here first! And if you comment now, we’ll throw in a personalized insult and a bucketful of derisive remarks about your probable lineage absolutely free! That’s right; they’re yours to keep as our free gift to you just for commenting. So what are you waiting for? Comment now!

Resolution Revolution the only way to have a guilt- and worry-free New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone. See you in 2003.

I was spoiled as a child.

I’ve decided that I’ll never spoil my kids the same way I was. That way they won’t turn out to be rotten and repulsive human beings like me. Instead of being babied and taken care of until they’re in their teens, I think I’ll make them go to work and start paying their own bills early on in life.

For example, I think they should get jobs at… oh, let’s say three years old.

When I was a kid, I didn’t have to work for my food. I was spoiled rotten, what with all the hamburgers, macaroni, soda and other crap that just magically appeared on the dinner table every night. Well, my little demon spawn won’t be spoiled like that, no sireebob! They’ll be too busy working in the coal mines as shovels to eat that rich people food. Their payment for a job well done will be licking the roof of their mouth clean every day to obtain sustenance from the natural nutrients found in coal dust.

If they’re lucky, on holidays and birthdays they’ll get a stone to suck on.

As a kid, I was never whipped or beaten either. Can you imagine how soft and simperingly wimpy I was? How frickin spoiled? Well, you can be sure that my child will grow up knowing that actions have consequences! Every night before they go to bed, they’ll receive a ritualistic beating administered by homeless men wearing Mardi Gras masks and wielding raw meat clubs. Then, just to make sure the lesson sinks in, they’ll receive one lash from the ‘Thank You Cane’ for every time they cry out in pain.

They’ll grow strong, like ox.

And can you believe that I was allowed my own bed as a kid? My own frickin bed?! That’s crazy! My kids will know the value of a good nights sleep and they won’t be spoiled by stupid things like soft pillows, sheets or mattresses either. Oh no, my kids will make their own beds from daddy’s leftover broken beer bottles and their pillows will be a couple of two-by-fours lashed together with twine. In the morning, they’ll take lemon-juice baths, using dry ice soap and rusty steel wool as a washcloth.

One day my kids will thank me. I just know it.

This (hyperlink) really makes me (emotion).

I was on my way to (destination) when I heard about the (major news item). And I was like, (exclamation)! This is so (curse ending in -ing) (adjective)! When I got to (destination) my friend (name) and I talked about it and we decided that it was (adjective) and not worth thinking about anymore.

So we decided to go (action ending with –ing) instead.

On to more exciting news. Remember when I said I wanted a(n) (animal) for a pet? Well, I finally bought one and (gender pronoun) is so cute! I mean, last night wasn’t so good because (gender pronoun) kept making strange noises, so we went to the (profession) who said it was probably (horrible medical affliction).

Just thinking about it makes me so (emotion)?

I just couldn’t let the (adjective) thing suffer, so on the way home I stopped at the store and picked up some (drug) for (gender pronoun). And would you believe that one bottle cost me (monetary amount)? I almost didn’t pay, but then my little (cute pet name) sneezed and I just couldn’t resist. So I bought the (drug) and went home with little (cute pet name) sneezing the whole way.

And today everything’s better!

Oh, and if anyone’s wondering, the new (singer or band name) CD is (adjective)! I’ve spent the last (time interval) listening to this CD and I can honestly say that it sounds (adjective)!

(number) stars.

Well, it’s almost time to (activity). Tonight I have that blind date, so I’ll tell everyone about it tomorrow. I just hope my (medical affliction) or (psychological condition) doesn’t draw attention away from my (adverb) (adjective) (body part).

Don’t worry, I promise to tell you all about it tomorrow.