This idea has been blatantly stolen from Michele and John. May history forgive them.
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Dear minions,

The Mighty Geek dot com is now in its third year as an experienced, but still visionary, provider and distributor of comedic essays being freely published on this little thing we like to call The Net. As the world’s most prominent, and let’s face it beloved, provider of sophomoric humor, family craziness, schizophrenic mental meanderings, inane inner dialogs, personal tragedies of a comedic nature and other various humorous, silly, crazy, zany or just plain stupid essays, we are constantly searching for ways to improve.

And we all know how hard it is to improve on perfection.

Reflecting back on the day when The Mighty Geek was founded in May of 2001, it was a day of great excitement and anticipation on the part of the world. Nay, the entire universe. Somehow, news of our launch had spread far and wide throughout the universe and so, on the day we posted the now immortal words of our first post, the universe shuddered in an immense collective orgasmic release of tension.

The janitors of the universe clocked many overtime hours cleaning up the resulting mess.

The celebrations following our launch are legendary indeed. “Finally,” the highly evolved ant-like Th’kichik of Planet 736H thought as they waved their antennae in awe during their year-long ecstasy-induced planet-wide rave, “the GeekMan has arrived!” Unfortunately, the very next day while they were busy erecting yet another shrine in honor of their god The GeekMan, the Th’kichik were annihilated by their ancient enemies, the ant-eater-like Fgahn-Kmyth’s.

Pity.

Our launch was the beginning of a new journey for us, a journey of stupidity and idiocy heretofore unseen by mortal man. We here at The Mighty Geek were driven by our dream to succeed where other, less worthy, humorists had failed. Everyone, from the directors to members of our staff, was overwhelmed with commitment towards one common goal.

World domination through self delusion.

Today we know that our dream is close to realization. The Mighty Geek has come of age, from our humble beginnings as an Assistant Deity to Loki in the halls of Olympus, to the nearly omnipotent lord and master of humor that we are today. We owe it all to ourselves; because we know for damn sure that we’re better than you, our worshippers and minions, who are only here to read our gospel, fetch us things, iron out the wrinkles in our raisins and show us love no matter how badly we mistreat you.

For example; by making you read this stupid post.

So remember; we here at The Mighty Geek are your humor gods, so worship us daily by laughing at what we say no matter whether you think it’s funny or not. Obviously, if you fail to find the humor in our words it’s not because we’re not funny, because we always are, so it must therefore be due to your lack of intelligence.

So laugh plebian minion, or you shall be whipped!

[JadedJu and GeekMan are sitting many feet apart from each other in a room lined with tinfoil. The tinfoil has been painted upon in what appears to be a childish attempt to make it look like wallpaper. Both the GeekMan and JadedJu have a pair of pants tied on their heads, although JadedJu’s pants are clearly marked as “Made by Versace.”]

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JadedJu:
Welcome back.

Many of you were with us yesterday as I, JadedJu, attempted to interview GeekMan of The Mighty Geek. As you may recall, due to what we are now going to characterize as a “misunderstanding”, we were unable to proceed with any of our questions. This was particularly disappointing given that GeekMan’s fans had hoped to finally learn exactly what it is that makes the Geekman so lovable. Initially, I was reluctant to attempt another interview, as it seemed possible that GeekMan had experienced some sort of permanent break with reality yesterday.
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JadedJu:
Hello everyone, my name is JadedJu and I’m delighted to be here today with GeekMan of The Mighty Geek. In case you’re not familiar with Mr. GeekMan, he’s a man of a thousand funny posts and an infamous New York City gadabout. After many years of elusiveness, GeekMan has agreed to allow me to ask him a few probing questions in order to allow his readership some new insight into exactly what it is that makes him tick. He has generously agreed that no topic is out of bounds, so we’re hoping today to finally learn the truth behind the many internet rumors that seem to swirl around him. So, let’s begin.
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It was a beautiful day.

It was sunny and warm outside with a cool breeze beckoning me to leave the sanctity of my somber sanctuary. So instead of sitting in my dark room in front of my computer, I decided to head the call of summer and go outside to play. Grabbing my wallet and my keys, I left the dark and dreary cave I called home to join the chorus of bright and shiny happiness right outside my door.

It was going to be the most glorious of summer days.

Before I even reached the outer door I was already planning the use of my valuable free time. First some lunch, then some ice cream then a nice walk by the water to be followed by even more ice cream. Maybe I would even take some time to read a book in the sun at one of the myriad of outdoor café’s in the neighborhood. Perhaps I would once again walk by the water and cross the Brooklyn Bridge to meet HoBiscuit for a lovely dinner in the city and then take a moonlit stroll with the most beautiful woman in the world.

Stars and city lights would guide us home.

As I opened the outer door, smile upon my face at the thought of the after-walk sex my lady and I would have that evening, I felt my first summer breeze of the day across my face, chest and legs. My smile wavered as I pondered the feeling, knowing that something was wrong, but unable to fathom what it could be. When the neighborhood children stopped in their tracks to stare at me in shocked disbelief, I began to suspect the truth. When the pack of old ladies walking by began to point at me and giggle reality finally poked me in the eye with the stick of comprehension, and suddenly I realized my Great Error.

Somehow, I had forgotten to get dressed.

Closing the door in shame I turned back to my den of dark comforts. Ignoring one of the 7 year old girls’ catcall of, “My baby brother’s bigger’n that wittle thing!” I somehow managed to walk, not crawl, to the bed and pull the covers over my head before bursting into tears. Pulling out my “Dr Joel’s Professional Pumping System” manhood enhancer from under the bed, I vigorously set about turning that little girl, and all the other little girls like her, into the lying little whores that I knew they were. “One day.” I whispered to the darkness. “One day we’ll show them all.”

Pump. Pump. Pump.

Do you have an anger management problem?

Do you find yourself getting into verbal, or even physical, fights with other people who disagree with your obviously intellectually superior and far more morally correct opinions? Does the mere mention of ‘comment troll’ cause your middle finger to twitch into an upright & fully extended position? Do your friends actually enjoy bringing up politics or religion when you’re around just so they can place bets on when that pulsating vein on your left temple will actually burst?

Do you hate your friends?

Well lucky for you, we at The Mighty Geek Laboratories have discovered the world’s greatest method of meditation and relaxation. It’s called The Mighty Geek Gregorian Chant of Relaxation and Meditation. It is guaranteed to help you calm down in any situation where you might find yourself becoming murderously angry at those who have the audacity to disagree with you. There are no seminars to attend, no products to buy and certainly no money you need to part with. All you need is a clear place to sit and 10 minutes to follow our instructions.

Ready? Good.

The first thing you’ll need to do is sit down. Anywhere will do, but preferably a clear spot on the floor where you can cross your legs in the classic ‘meditation’ position. Now, once you are sitting down, you should place your hands on your knees and begin breathing slowly, taking 7 seconds to breathe in and another 7 seconds to breathe out.

Are you breathing? Good.

Now, on your next exhalation, you should say the first part of our Gregorian chant, which you will find below. It should be said in a monotone voice and for the entire 7 seconds it takes for you to exhale. Remember to take an additional 7 seconds to inhale after every repetition of the word.

The first word is Owah.

Go ahead, say the word right now; this will help you memorize it for later. After you’ve said this word five times, taking the full 7 seconds to say the word each time, it’s time to move on to the next word.

Tahjer

You should also say this word five times, remembering to take a full 7 seconds to say it each time. When you’ve finished, you can then move on to the next and final word of our Gregorian chant.

Kiam

Again, you should say this word five times while breathing properly. By this time you should be feeling more relaxed than when we began and you’ll be ready to move on to the next and final stage of our meditation.

It’s time to chant.

We will now begin using all the words together in a single Gregorian chant of relaxation and meditation. You should say each word as a single 7 second breath, taking 7 seconds to inhale after each word. 7 in and 7 out.

Remember, 7 is the magic number.

After repeating the chant for a while, I’m sure that you will begin to see the light and not only will you have calmed down, but you might even find yourself laughing. If you find that the chant isn’t working for you, try repeating it a little faster. Trust us, The Mighty Geek Gregorian Chant of Relaxation and Meditation has yet to fail.

Owah tahjer kiam.

Dear Readership,

In an effort to show the world what it would be like without The Mighty Geek and the sophomoric humor published here on an almost daily basis, I am going to substitute all things humorous in this post with the words ‘Pop-A-Wheelie’. I’m doing this because all of the services I provide, for free, to the world at large mean nothing if I’m not being shown any appreciation for Popping-A-Wheelie. And doing that is far more dangerous than Popping-A-Wheelie

But not quite so bad as Popping-A-Wheelie

So I’m shutting down the humor now, to give me time to Pop-A-Wheelie, and to give all of you a taste of what it would be like if I wasn’t here every day to show you how to properly Pop-A-Wheelie. You can’t imagine what it’s like to have so many people laughing at you without ever letting you know that they think you’re funnier than Popping- Wheelies.

It’s inhuman, especially considering I don’t get paid to Pop-Wheelies.

Give it a thought. This is what it would be like without the humor of The Mighty Geek. The lack of support for my continued self abuse, even by those who consider themselves my friends, has got me thinking that maybe some people will believe that this is a ‘real’ post and not a joke and then they will send me email begging me to ‘return’ or else the terrorists have Popped-A-Wheelie.

And that would be stupid.

So, what’s it worth to you for me to keep this going? Not in monetary terms, but in terms of showing me support? Simply put, I’m not willing to go on without more Popped-Wheelies.

Best wishes,
GeekMan

P.S. Pop-Wheelies!

P.P.S. Pop-A-Wheelie.

In no particular order, the words replaced by Pop-A-Wheelie are:

• Wearing a meat suit and diving headfirst into a colony of driver ants.
• Get my butt kicked by Bread in The Matrix on Miss Ex-Boxx.
• Shaving my nostrils with a rusty straight razor and snorting salt.
• Eat raw crack. You know, just because.
• Now I’m more pathetic than Wil Wheaton, aren’t I?
• Watching a cage full of starving lions try to catch and eat acrophobic monkeys covered in Tabasco sauce.
• Pictures of nekkid boobies. Dear lord, let me receive pictures of nekkid boobies.
• Grandma before she’s taken her medication but after she’s had a fifth of vodka.
• Raped the llamas and ridden off on the women in victory.
• If I get boobies, you get links!
• Remove your own spine and replace it with HoBiscuit branded Silly Putty.

I should be a star.

I’m hip. I’m funny. I’ve been around for over two years. I should be a big Blogosphere A-List winner instead of the tiny, little, pathetic and unknown Geek that I am. After pondering the reasons why I’m not a bigwig in the Blogging universe for all of thirty minutes this morning, I believe I have come up with not only the root cause of my anonymity, but also the solution.

You see, I need a catchphrase.

Everyone else in the Blogging universe has one, some Bloggers even have two! A very select few even have more! I thought it would be easy, but coming up with a good catchphrase has eluded me for all of 45 minutes now, and I think it’s time to call upon my loyal readership once again to help me out. So, without further unnecessary verbiage I will now ask you to come up with a catchy, witty, funny, gloriously entertaining and ultimately world dominating catchphrase for this site that will propel me like a rocket to the top of the heap of festering excrement that we call the Blogosphere. Here are the rules:

No curses.

There, that should be easy enough. Leave your suggestions in the comments below so that the whole world can mock your idiotic ideas just like they did back in the second grade when you thought making paste flavored Jello was a good idea. The best catchphrases posted by 11pm Sunday, June 15th will be cultivated by me and then judged, also by me, and then sentenced to ten years probation for public stupidity. They will also be used as randomly rotating subtitles on the next redesign of this site, which will happen before the end of August.

Ready? Set? Comment!