It happens to me every morning.

You know how, when you’re in the shower, your mind seems to wander the great philosophical divide and come up with all those amazingly deep thoughts? You know, those great Questions Of Worth like, “What is the speed of darkness?” or “How do villains in movies always manage to recruit thousands of faceless henchmen who are willing to die for their cause?”

I mean honestly, they must have one heck of a good medical plan.

Anywaste, have you ever noticed that when you’re done with your shower and have dried off your fit and trim body and run to the computer to write those miraculous shower-inspired thoughts down, that you can never, EVER, remember what they were? They’ve simply disappeared, like morning mist, never to be recaptured again.

It’s enough to make you scream in frustration.

Well, I have some good news for all of you out there who suffer in silence from this great malady. I, GeekMan the Great, have finally figured out what we can do to reverse this process of epiphany-loss that is afflicting us all. It was a simple matter of carefully eliminating all external factors of influence until all that was left was the root cause of the problem. After hours of study, and over 28 showers, I have finally discovered what that root cause is.

Your towel.

That’s right, your towel. Don’t be fooled by its smooth, soft, Egyptian cottony goodness because that seemingly innocent towel is really an insidious weapon of thought control employed by the government to keep us free thinking citizens in check. Now, while I have absolutely no scientific proof to back up this theory, I do have the following observations;

• When I am in the shower I get wet.
• While I am wet I have thoughts of great intellectual and philosophical worth.
• These thoughts stay with me as I exit the shower.
• As I exit the shower I am still wet.
• I reach for the towel to dry myself off.
• … And a rift forms in the space-time continuum that sucks my ideas from my head and into the towel leaving only the sense of great loss behind.
• When I leave the bathroom I no longer remember my thoughts of great intellectual and philosophical worth and I am no longer wet.

These observations can lead to only one conclusion; the water used when showering somehow interferes with the mind-numbing, thought-control rays the government is beaming down on us from their satellites in space! And that towels help reassert control over us by sucking up not only water, but our thoughts, our hopes and our dreams.

Damn you, towels. Damn you to hell.

Luckily I’ve managed to avoid the government’s insidious plot and spread the word to all of you by simply refusing to towel myself off this morning. Now, I admit I’m a little cold sitting around naked and wet while it’s snowing outside, but at least I remember what I was thinking about in the shower. And that means I’m smarter than the government, even without my tinfoil lined pants.

Wait a sec! I just remembered I forgot to take my meds this morning…

I’ve got animal crackers in my underwear.

They’re the vanilla animal crackers you get in a big teddy-bear tub from Costco or BJs. There’s an elephant, a lion, a llama, a seal on a ball and a monkey. The monkey is my favorite. He’s the only one not leaving crumbs in my crotch. I think I’ll call him Howard. Howard the Circus Monkey, because he’s in the animal cracker circus. And to show him how much I like him I’m going to eat Howard last.

Hey, anyone out there want a nice, warm animal cracker?

Today I have all of three minutes to write.

I thought it might be fun to do a stream of conscious type post, where I write free-form, completely free of my usual censorship and editing. So, without further ado, here’s GeekMan: Exposed!
Continue reading →

It all started innocently enough.

I was sitting on the couch in my tighty whities watching a Wonder Woman rerun on Nick At Nite when I heard the noise. Not “noise” really, but a sound that I can only imagine might be made by a duck dressed up in a ninja outfit, complete with face mask, as it tried to hold back a startled quack-scream of pain as it stepped on a rusty nail and fell to its ducky-knees in agony on my kitchen floor while accidentally knocking down an over-burdened dish/drying rack of pots and pans.

And my leftover linguini.

I would have ignored the noise, writing it off as my overactive imagination again, but for the fact that I distinctly heard a hushed voice say “Idiot.” followed almost immediate by “Shuddup!” and the sound of a wooden nunchuck hitting a feathery head. Not wanting to become a victim of fowl play, I quietly made my way to the kitchen to investigate the rising sounds of a barely muffled melee. Turning the corner, I reached out in the darkness for the light switch with one hand while the other silently pulled my katana ‘DaffySlayer’ out of the umbrella stand I keep it in for just such an emergency. And you’d be surprised at how many emergencies call for a katana to be in an umbrella stand.

Or under the bed. Or behind the toilet.

As I stood there in the darkness, preparing myself for what I just knew was going to be the fight of my life, I listened to the sounds emanating from my kitchen and determined that there were between five and nine enemies within. Tightening my grip on DaffySlayer, I flicked the switch and rushed into the kitchen intent on repelling the invaders, no matter who they were. I was lucky that I caught them by surprise because the first two black-clad intruders fell by my hand before the rest new what was happening. Unfortunately for me, my momentum carried me into their midst and that’s when I realized that there were more than nine of them crowding inside my kitchen. Far, far more than nine.

With a howl the hoard of ninja ducks attacked and I prepared myself for death.

The 80’s strike back.

Write the song title and artist name in the comments before you do the inevitable Google search for the correct answers. Then, after you’ve finished searching for the songs and going “Holy crap! I remember that one!” tell the world how many of these songs you used to love/still love and make excuses as to why you didn’t guess them in the first place. If someone can actually guess all of these songs correctly I might even buy them something from the Geek Shop. I just have no idea how someone could possibly prove that they didn’t cheat.

Oh well, here’s the lyrics. Have fun!

1. I just freeze everytime you see through me
2. Baby, baby, when I lay wit’ you there’s no place I’d rather be
3. Don’t wait so long to offer assistance and don’t give up on your existence
4. I can see your face still shining through the window on the other side
5. Your sweet nature darling was too hard to swallow
6. Ever since you’ve been far away I’ve been wanting to fly
7. Because the way you move was so self-assured you knew I would surrender
8. Flaccid ego in your hand
9. What’s your reputation? Ecstasy!
10. I feed you, I drink you, my day and my night
11. Will you turn me away or touch me deep inside
12. It’s like trying to touch the sky but overlook the sun
13. Empty dreams can only disappoint in a room behind your smile
14. So you say I got a funny face I got no worries
15. I see a ship in the harbor I can and shall obey
16. There’s a room where the light won’t find you
17. We bite and scratch and scream all night
18. End up lying on my face going ringy dingy ding dong
19. They say hey little boy you can’t go where the others go
20. Mental wounds not healing, life’s a bitter shame
21. While the stinky food’s steamin’, your mind starts to dreamin’
22. What good is a love affair when you can’t see eye to eye
23. You know she likes the lights at nights on the neon Broadway signs
24. There’s nothin’ left to talk about unless it’s horizontally
25. And I can make you every promise that has ever been made
26. I bought a ticket to the world, but now I’ve come back again
27. I socialize with X-ray eyes, and ladies think it’s sweet
28. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn
29. The night I needed you the most my cries fell on deaf ears
30. I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss

Correct answers will be posted when I return on Wednesday.

GeekMan
Basement of Fiery Death and Wedding Preparation
666 6th Avenue
Hells Kitchen, NY 10110
geekman at the mighty geek.com

OBJECTIVE:
To contribute to your personal and professional success through the use of my devilish charm, god-like sexual prowess, amazing good looks, biting wit, venomous sarcasm, superior intelligence, exceptional customer service and other various skills in a permanent position as the primary organizer, manager, administrator and God-Like Supreme Overlord of your pitiful life. Hire me, or I will be forced to kill this cute and fuzzy bunny.

EXPERIENCE:
Wedding Slave – New York, 2003-Forever
Visualized, assembled and delivered over 150 wedding invitations. Used creative juices to slowly roast my own brain while cutting, pasting and printing said invitations. Upon project completion, will congratulate myself by placing my penis in the waffle iron.

Blogger Supreme – The Internet, 2001-2003
Conceptualized, produced, edited, managed and updated a stupid web site no one’s ever heard of. Used sophomoric humor and a retarded kindergartener’s idea of satire to avoid the reality of my pathetically sad and lonely life.

Senior Hairstylist – Long Island, NY, 1972-2001
Consulted with clients with reference to new styles and colors, providing experienced guidance without once stabbing the noisome old hags in their eyes. Managed and maintained a large client base consisting of 100+ victims personal clients. Handled dangerous electronic devices and sharp objects with dexterity and finesse, even while running after fleeing “clients”.

Wandering Minstrel – The World, 1544-1972
Experienced in the ancient art of cavorting while wearing pink and blue tights and a hat with little bells. Wait. On second thought, let us ignore this chapter of my life and never speak of it again.

High Inquisitor & Lordship General – Spain, 1523-1544
Used the power of my office to hunt down, torture and kill anyone who didn’t like me in high school. Created the word ‘heretic’ and defined it as, “Anyone who questions what I say, doesn’t do what I want them to do or who I even think doesn’t think like I want them to think.” This definition was later co-opted by women for their own use and ‘heretic’ was redefined as “Someone I want to beat up.”

Creator of Nazrebash – Fifth Circle of the Lower Pits of Hell
June 30th, 45BC from 4:21pm to 5:15pm
Used powers magical to conceptualize, create, populate and summarily destroy an entire plane of existence, including but not limited to, the heavens, the earth and all that once lived.

EDUCATION:
Masters in Blogging When Completely Uninspired – Midvale School for the Gifted, 2003
Masters in Fear Mongering and Despotism in the 21st Century – NYU, 1999
Masters in Undead Zombie Creation – Harvard, 1921
B.A. in Theater – City College, Nome Alaska, 1874