April Fools

The following phone call takes place during my freshman year of college.

“Mother GeekMan’s office, Mom speaking.”

[timid voice] “Mom?”

“Hi GeekMan! How are you? How’s college treating my baby?”

“Mom, I’ve got… I’ve got some bad news.”

“What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

“Mom, I don’t want you to get mad. Just listen to me for a minute, ok?”

“…”

“Mom?”

[in an angry tone] “OK, I won’t get mad. What did you do?”

“Well… Uh, you know my roommate is a little… crazy, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, last night I went to dinner with some of my friends and while I was out my roommate decided to throw a little party.”

“So?”

“He invited some freshmen… girls… and well, things got a little out of hand. There was some pot, and a lot of beer, and maybe sex and stuff…”

“So your roommate had a party while you were out. What does this have to do with you?”

“Let me finish, ok? Please?”

“…”

“Ok, so he was having this party and it was a little loud I guess, because someone on campus called the police.”

[angry, but still tolerant voice] “It must have been some party for another college student to call the cops!”

“I guess… But the thing is, the cops arrived just as I came back from dinner and walked in to my room.”

“Oh, no…”

“Uh, now mom, everyone stuck up for me and told the cops and the college people that I wasn’t involved with the party. They all believe I had nothing to do with the drugs and underage drinking and stuff, but the college people said they need to make an example of us, so…”

[my mothers anger is so great I can physically feel it emanating from the phone line] “Don’t tell me they suspended you?”

“No. No mom, they didn’t suspend us. We’re being expelled.”

Imagine the most vile, angry and venomous string of curses you’ve ever heard. Now multiply whatever you’re thinking of by ten and point it at yourself.

Aha! You just winced, didn’t you?

Unbeknownst to myself, my mother was a cursing pro. I don’t know if she was hanging out at bars frequented by sailors or not, but she was using curses unheard and unspoken of since the stone ages, and never the same curse twice. She started out at a barely audible whisper and worked her way up to a royal scream. At the end, she got so loud that the phone line could only transmit loud static punctuated by rage filled squawks.

If I had done this in person, I would have been dead right then.

“Mom.”

[more cursing]

“Mom!”

[even more cursing]

“MOM!”

“What? What else do you have to say for yourself, you stupid little…”

“Mom, what day is it?”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“Mom. Concentrate now. What’s today’s date?”

“It’s March… No wait. It’s not March it’s…”

[stifling laughter] “It’s…?”

“…”

“April Fools.”

“You son of a BITCH!”

[laughing] “But mom, that makes you the bitch!”

We both laughed for a long time after that. Every few moments she would have to catch her breath and explain what had happened to her office mates, who would then join in the laughter and congratulate me for my joke, chastise me for being such a bastard and offer condolences to my mother.

My mother has never let her guard down on April Fools Day again.

She loves to tell this story whenever any other parent talks about how cruel their kids can be. My mother always comes away from those conversations the ‘winner’ and I am looked at as if I am some disgusting, heartless and evil scientific experiment gone awry.

“You know, if you had tried this in person, I would have killed you. Dead. With my own two hands.”

“I know, mom. I know.”

I love my mom.