An Open Letter To Dubya

Hey George, it’s GeekMan here and I’ve got this whole “Find Bin Laden” thing figured out. You’re going about it all wrong. You don’t need to spend billions on cruise missiles or covert operations. You don’t even need to spend millions of taxpayer dollars on spy intelligence. All you need to do is make one phone call and all your prayers will be answered. You’ll know where Bin Laden is, you’ll know the names and locations of all his constituents and, more importantly, you’ll know if his office romance will work out or not.

You need to call Miss Cleo.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You don’t believe the world is ready for that kind of power. Well, I think you’re wrong. The world is ready and just like Obi Wan, she’s our only hope. She knows things that no one else does, how else do you explain why she called you Mr. President before you said your name when you called her last week?

Don’t be fooled Dubya, her horrible clothes and fake Jamaican accent are just an elaborate front to hide her real power from the easily frightened masses. She is like a goddess who has taken pity on humanity and decided to walk among us in disguise. Even so, she cannot help but offer her assistance when called upon in times of need.

Why else would she have a toll-free number?

Dubya, the first three minutes are free, so you wouldn’t even have to spend a dime to get her help. Can’t you see that she’s reaching out to you? She so desperately wants to help, but it’s up to you to make the first move. All you need to do George, is pick up the White House’s Super Secret Bright Orange Cleo Hotline Phone (it’s the one next to the Bat-Phone) and speak! Didn’t she help you when you needed to know if you won the election? I know most people think you called your brother in Florida, but I know you really called her. And didn’t she help you then? Didn’t she tell you to be cool because it was in the bag and you would be President and that no-good Gore-sissy wouldn’t taunt you with math questions anymore? Wasn’t she right?

Yeah, you know she was.

You and I know that her TV ‘commercials’ are nothing less than a cleverly disguised plea for you to pick up the phone and call her. I can only guess at what is going on in that amazingly clever and intelligent genius-mind of yours, but I think you’ve just been so busy lately that you haven’t had the time to make the call. Well, as your good friend and fellow American I feel it is my duty to remind you of the near limitless power at your disposal. I know you don’t want the general public to know how smart you really are, and I must admit the constant word flubbing, ‘lost’ looks and forehead crinkling during your public appearances is mighty clever, but the time for secrecy is past. You have a duty to end terrorism for the American people and the world at large. And yes, that includes Canada.

Pick up the phone Dubya, the world needs you and Miss Cleo, now more than ever.