“The king is dead, long live the king.”
“Not since the awe-inspiring McSalad Shaker from McDonalds has there been a more worthy recipient of the award for Most Innovative Non-Invention of the Year. This year’s competition was fierce, with Pledge’s Pledge Wipes making a strong showing against the hopeful newcomer Pasta Pronta’s Pasta Cooker With Stainless Steel Strainer Lid.”
“Strong contenders both, but ultimately they fell to the champ.”
“Today I am proud to announce the winner of 2002’s Most Innovative Non-Invention of the Year. This year’s winner has done what many of its fellow products have wished to do all year. By simply making a minor change in packaging, and without changing any other part of itself in the slightest (except for a meager increase in price, ha – ha), our winner has managed to fool the general public into believing that a monumental, earth-shattering, life-altering change has taken place.”
“Huey Lewis said it best. It certainly is ‘Hip to Be a Square’.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado please allow me to introduce the marketing genius we are all here to celebrate tonight. The winner of the brand new Mini Cooper and the all expense paid trip to Warwick, New Jersey… Ocean Spray’s New Square Bottle!”
[wild applause]
“Thank you. Thank you all. This is such an honor, even more so since my childhood hero, Mr. Pooper-Scooper himself, is presenting it. Oh dear lord, I’m going to cry. I have so many people to thank, so many who contributed to this award behind the scenes. Please bear with me and I’ll try to be brief. I just hope I don’t forget anyone.”
[paper rustles]
“I’d like to thank the Academy, the grocers, and all the people who drink cranberry juice. I’d also like to thank my bottler, Murray Chipowski. He’s a great guy and I wouldn’t be here if not for him. Brian, Jess, Helen and Javier in marketing for that wonderful introductory commercial, you guys rock! My agent Bill Jedburro and my manager Sid Venturo. Thanks guys, you really earned your 30%! Oh, and thank You God, because without His guidance through the year I would have quit long ago. He keeps me humble. Thank you, all of you. I love you all. Save the Whales!”
[leaves stage to thunderous applause]
[runs back]
“Oh crap! I almost forgot. Thank you to Venessa, my wife! Oh honey, I didn’t mean to forget you! Please let me back in the house? I promise to never ask you to do that for me again. I swear. And my kids! I love you guys, no matter what your grandmother tells you while I’m away. Don’t listen to her because you know she’s a nutcase. I’m taking counseling now, so I promise I won’t yell at you anymore. I’m getting better, I swear. Please. It’s cold in the shelter and I miss my family…”
[a sobbing Square Bottle is led offstage by beautiful handler]
[uncomfortable silence]
“Ahem… well, I guess it’s a good thing we gave him a Mini Cooper then, huh?”
[uproarious laughter from audience as Mr. Pooper-Scooper mugs for the crowd]
[sound of muffled gunshot from backstage]
[cut to commercial]
Wow. I guess I’ll join their Cranberry Club now too, just so they can spam me with all sorts of exciting and up-to-the-minute cranberry news.