The Shame

Posted on May 31st, 2007

I feel so dirty.

Last weekend I purchased The Item. The Item is something I swore I would never purchase, but even worse was that in order to buy The Item I had to go directly to the source by going someplace that is the equivalent of my own personal Hades. Granted, The Item was a gift for my mother, something she’s wanted for years, but just the thought of touching The Item made my skin crawl and my anus bleed. I waited and waited and waited for it to go out of fashion, hoping that someone out there would invent something better than The Item that I could buy instead, but my wait was in vain. And so, on a beautiful Saturday morning I found myself standing outside the doors of the one place I swore I would never enter in order to buy the one thing I swore I would never buy.

My pants were damp and smelled of fear.

Steeling myself for the onslaught I expected, I took a deep breath and opened the door to the Shrine of Stylocity. The first thing I noticed was the blinding light, and in my head I heard a scared voice scream, “It burnsss usssss!” As my eyes adjusted to the sharp, piercing white light I began making out other details of the place. The cleanliness of the shelves, the spotless floors, the purity of the design, everything was so… clean. I felt like I was in a temple devoted to the god Mr. Clean and run by anal retentive OCD acolytes armed with OxyClean.

I swear, the glass stairs were so clean they sparkled.

Shaking my head in disbelief I slowly made my way through the store looking for The Item. After a few moments I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks and took another look around, this time at the people, and my jaw hit the floor. The people… the customers who were here to spend money… were smiling! They almost seemed happy to be in this place, spending their hard earned cash on these… things.

I didn’t see anyone drinking it, but I knew there was KoolAid somewhere nearby.

Then I noticed that some of the smiling people worked at the store. Looking closer, I realized that these worker drones were… could it be? Were they actually helping people?! And… and… the people they were helping were actually smiling?! No, this was not possible. It must be some sort of trick, some sort of facade they put up whenever they notice an enemy of their religion entering their temple. It couldn’t be real, no one is really ever happy to shop for these things. And even if you were happy, you’d never find a helpful, knowledgeable salesperson in the store willing to take the time to show you around and explain everything to you until you actually understood what they were talking about. Obviously, they were all actors and this was a show they were putting on for my benefit to trick me. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder and my stomach flipped over.

“Good morning, sir. Can I help you find something?”
“Don’t touch me! I don’t want to catch your religion!”
“… the hell?”
“Ahem. Sorry. Just… nervous.”
“Oh. I see. So, can I help you find something or answer any questions?”
“Uhmmm… I just need one of those… things.”
“Things?”
“Yeah. The thing that… wait, there they are.”
“Oh! Yes, they’re very popular. Is there a specific one you want today?”
“The… uh, red one.”
“This one?”
“Gurgle.”
“Sir? Are you alright?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be fine. Just threw up a little in my mouth. Nothing to worry about.”
“Alright. If you’ll wait right here for a moment I’ll go get you a red one.”
“Should I wait on line or anything?”
“Are you paying with cash or credit?”
“Credit.”
“Then there’s no need to wait on line. I can take your payment right here through this wireless register.”
“You are fricking kidding me.”
“Uh… no sir. We take customer service very seriously.”
“GAK!”
“Sir? Are you ok?”
“Just a minor heart attack, ignore it. Happens all the time. Here’s my credit card.”
“Alright sir, I’ve totaled everything up, your stuff is in the bag and your receipt will be emailed to you within an hour. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”
“Tell me the truth, there’s some sort of hallucinogen being pumped into the air here, right?”
“No sir.”
“Are you an actor or a company plant?”
“Nope.”
“So, this is what it’s like all the time here?”
“Yes sir, customer satisfaction is our number one priority.”
“…”
“Sir?”
“Am I dead?”
“… Noooo…”
“Will you… will you marry me?”
“Sir… I don’t…”
“No, not you. I mean this place. The whole place and everyone and everything in it. Married. To me. Right now.”
“Uhm… no sir. You can’t marry a store.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty much, yes.”
“Well, then. I guess I’m done.”
“Ok. Enjoy your iPod Nano and thank you for shopping at the Apple store!”

And I went home smiling. The bastards.

Filed under Geek Life | 5 Comments »

TMG Alpha Relaunch v0.8a

Posted on May 29th, 2007

Got my archives back… finally.

Took me a long time to find the backup file I had saved before my computer blew up, but at long last my old posts are back and in business! Of course, I’ve lost all the images and photos from my old blog, and there appears to be an encoding problem where all quotes and apostrophes are showing as white question marks inside of black diamonds, but hey, nothings perfect! At least I can finally see all six years’ worth of posts now. And only a week later than I hoped. It seems that everything I wanted done behind the scenes here at TMG is up and running pretty well, so I can finally get back to writing again. Well, one thing still needs to be taken care of… the design.

Soon, my flock of minions. Soon.

Filed under Announcements | No Comments »

GeekyBack

Posted on May 22nd, 2007

Sung to Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back“

I’m bringing Geeky back
No other blogs make you laugh in fact
You think I’m special, what you laughing at?
So sing along or else Bread will attack

Sing it with the Bread

TMG
Your favorite website’s
Coming back, you see
I’ll make you laugh until you have to pee
At least I’ll try so that you won’t hate me

Hit ‘em with the dumbness

Click here world
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Come to my site
Go ahead, be dumb with it
TMG
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Mighty Geek
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Let me see who you’re laughing with
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Look at those posts
Go ahead, be dumb with it
I’ll make you smile
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Go ahead child
Go ahead, be dumb with it
And get your geeky on
Go ahead, be dumb with it

Get your geeky on
Go ahead, be dumb with it
[Repeat 6 times]

Get your geeky on

I’m bringing Geeky back
Them other bloggers don’t know how to act
I’m gonna make up for the fun you lack
Because my life should come with a laugh track

Sing it with the Bread

TMG
Your favorite website’s
Coming back, you see
I’ll make you laugh until you have to pee
At least I’ll try so that you won’t hate me

Hit ‘em with the dumbness

Click here world
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Come to my site
Go ahead, be dumb with it
TMG
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Mighty Geek
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Let me see who you’re laughing with
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Look at those posts
Go ahead, be dumb with it
I’ll make you smile
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Go ahead child
Go ahead, be dumb with it
And get your geeky on
Go ahead, be dumb with it

Get your geeky on
Go ahead, be dumb with it
[Repeat 6 times]

Get your geeky on

I’m bringing Geeky back
You other bloggers watch how I attack
If that’s your best you better watch your back
‘Cause you’ll laugh and pee for me and that’s a fact

Hit ‘em with the dumbness

Click here world
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Come to my site
Go ahead, be dumb with it
TMG
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Mighty Geek
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Let me see who you’re laughing with
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Look at those posts
Go ahead, be dumb with it
I’ll make you smile
Go ahead, be dumb with it
Go ahead child
Go ahead, be dumb with it
And get your geeky on
Go ahead, be dumb with it

Get your geeky on
Go ahead, be dumb with it
[Repeat 6 times]

Get your geeky on

Filed under Parody | 1 Comment »

TMG Alpha Relaunch v0.7a

Posted on May 17th, 2007

Today nice. Me feel good. [drool]

There’s much more that I want to say but I’m so busy playing Halo2 on my home theater’s brand new 106″ high definition widescreen that I’ve been finding it difficult to even take a break to eat and/or use the bathroom. My goal today is to finish Halo2 (again) and then play Gears of War until my eyes bleed. And I say ‘eyes’ because my ears are already bleeding so they don’t count. I wonder if it’s wrong to be sexually turned on by a giant, projected image of a video game?

Gotta go, time to frag some Brutes.

Filed under Announcements | 1 Comment »

TMG Alpha Relaunch v0.6a

Posted on May 15th, 2007

So, I’ve been thinking…

This here website, The Mighty Geek, used to be a place where I’d write humorously about things that had happened, or were happening, in my life for the amusement of myself and a select few readers who came by to mock me. After such a long hiatus though, I’ve gotten to thinking that maybe I can do better than just making you laugh at my stupidity.

Maybe I can teach you something.

I’ve been told by people (and no, not just the one’s in my head) that I know a thing or three about stuff and maybe, just maybe, I should share some of that knowledge with the world at large. Of course, I’d try my best to make the actual information as funny as I could, but the main point is that, as a website, The Mighty Geek could entertain as well as edjumacate.

Wait, I think there’s supposed to be a “k” in that word…

So, what I’d like to know is if you, the three readers I still have left after my prolonged break, would enjoy not just hearing funny stories, but also learning something when you read this site. I’m thinking of starting off easy, with a article every week or so about something I enjoy or am curious about. Things like; graphic design, politics, computer maintenance, photography, personal finance, science, books, movies or any number of other subjects that catch my fancy. Keep in mind that these edjukatuhnal articles would be in addition to my normal humorous stories, so don’t think I’m giving up my normal idiocy or anything. I’m just thinking that it might be nice to have something a little more substantial to say every now and again.

You know, important things. Things like, “I’m going to be a daddy.“

Filed under Announcements | 10 Comments »