How do you cut your nails?

Honestly, when you’re cutting your nails, do you just round off the top, as if you were at a barber shop and just needed a trim? You know, “Just a little off the top?” Or do you clip your nails as far down as you can get the clippers? You know, really digging in and trying to get as much nail in one shot so it forms that happy little crescent moon of nail droppings? Do you find yourself clipping your nails like some obsessive-compulsive manic monkey until the tips of your fingers hurt when you touch something and the sides of your fingers bleed? Do you get some sort of perverse pleasure out of creating the perfect rounded-top fingernail? Do you believe your life lacks meaning unless your nails are better clipped than your friends’ nails?

No?

Oh…

Uhhhh… Me neither.

Can someone, anyone, explain this?! And why the hell do I suddenly want a hot cup of Hoffee?

Bonus migraine:
Take notice that the steering wheel is on the left side but he’s pretending to drive on the right like they do in Europe.

I don’t get it.

On Saturday I went out with some friends to a bar to celebrate a few June/July birthdays. At this bar they happened to be playing a lot of music at volume levels normally associated with large scale, universe-forming explosions and some of the patrons decided that the best way to deal with bleeding ears was to just find a clear area on the floor and dance until the bleeding stopped.

I decided to stuff paper in my ears and sit in the corner.

While I was sitting there playing “Name That Noise” with my friends a group of Bridge & Tunnel girls entered the bar and, with their hands over their ears to help block the noise, screamed at each other that this place was “hot”, “dope” and “fricking cool!”

I wanted to cry.

For those who may not be from NYC let me explain something. Bridge & Tunnel people are those girls and boys who are from New Jersey, Long Island and/or Upstate/Connecticut who come down to NYC on the weekends to have fun and hang out at all the “cool” bars, clubs and other places where they believe the hip local people go. The saddest part of this is that as far as I have been able to tell, the locals only go to those places to pick up Bridge & Tunnel people so they can have a nice weekend fling. So when a group of B&T girls manage to find their way to a real local hangout, they almost always stick out like a circus clown at a funeral.

And it’s just as disturbingly sad.

Anywaste, after a few moments of watching these sad, little, lost souls struggle with how to stand around looking “cool” in their shiny silver and gold shirts and denim skirts, my eye was attracted to two young women who had just entered the bar together. They were dressed to the nines with their clothes, hair and makeup perfectly done. They both looked fabulous and my first impression was that they were out on the prowl looking for guys.

But almost immediately I was proven wrong.

You see, instead of seeming approachable or anything, these two lovely ladies instead seemed colder and less inviting than a wall of spike-covered glacial ice. What they did after entering the bar was go immediately to the dance area, faced each other and began dancing while simultaneously looking over each other’s shoulders with the fiercest “don’t even think of approaching us” looks on their faces that I have ever seen. Then after about two songs of this “dancing”, without a word to each other, they simply left.

I was flabbergasted.

I mean, what was the point? They had obviously spent hours making themselves look the absolute best that they could and yet they gave off such a vibe that not even the The Roxbury Guys would have dared approach. Honestly, their hair was straight out of Vogue, their clothes probably cost more than most people’s weekly paychecks and their makeup could have been done by a Hollywood artist and yet they spent all of ten minutes at the bar practically daring someone to get close enough for them to kill!

I confuzzled.

In an attempt to understand the inner workings of these strange people called women, I asked my wife and some of her girlfriends about the incident. None of the women seemed to find their actions all that strange and I got a whole bunch of different explanations ranging from “They probably just wanted a girl’s night of fun.” to “One of them obviously just broke up and the other was trying to get her to cheer up. Men suck.”

Say wha..?

So here’s where you come in. Help me understand this little episode because it’s truly making my head hurt. I could understand if it were a group of women out for a good time together who didn’t want any men to intrude on their night out, but just two women? All decked out? Dancing together in a bar instead of a club?

What am I missing here?