The New Style

Posted on June 30th, 2006

Overheard in a trendy clothing shop.

Woman: “Come on, we’re leaving.”
Man: “Why?”
Woman: “We can’t shop here anymore.”
Man: “What?”
Woman: “I need to leave. Now.”
Man: “But I don’t understand; what about the clothes you were just trying on…?”
Woman: “…”
Man: “What did I do? Why are you so angry?”
Woman: “It’s not you I’m angry with!”
Man: “Then why are you yelling at me?”
Woman: “Just shut up and let’s go!”
Man: “Tell me what happened.”
Woman: “…”
Man: “Honey…”
Woman: “They didn’t fit! Ok? Happy now?”
Man: “Is that all? Well, why don’t we just find them in a size that does fit…”
Woman: “Because they should fit me! The label says that they’re a medium and I’m a medium which means they should be my size! But they aren’t! So, since all my other clothes are a medium, those clothes can’t be a medium if they’re too small for me, which means that everything in the store is wrong so I’m not shopping here anymore!”
Man: “I see.”
Woman: “And?”
Man: “You’re absolutely right. We can’t ever shop here again. Let’s go.”

And he didn’t even crack a smile! He is my HERO!

Filed under Announcements | 4 Comments »

Phoning It In

Posted on June 28th, 2006

Today is a mobile post.

I am writing today’s post using my mobile phone, the T-Mobile MDA. Why? Because I find myself unable to comprehend why anyone would ever find typing something more involved than ‘c u l8r’ on this stupid keyboard convenient. I mean honestly, my thumbs are cramping up already and I’m not even done with the first damn paragraph!

Okay, now I’m done. Phew!

You know, just the fact that I can surf the web on this thing, kinda-sorta, IS kind of cool… in a Geeky-nerdy way. But what’s NOT cool is how many teeny-tiny buttons I have to press with my thumbs just to make a stupid comma or exclamation point! And don’t get me started on the things missing from this key… I mean THUMBboard. Things like brackets and quotation marks are nowhere to be found, which makes it impossible for me to add emphasis to my words here except by making them ALL CAPS. Which makes it look like I’m SHOUTING when all I really wanted to do was italicize ‘thumb’ in THUMBboard to make a subtle joke.

Yeah, that’s right, ’subtle’. Like an elephant farting in a broom closet.

Anywaste, my main point here is that using this mobile method of updating my site blows. My thumbs hurt, this tiny screen is causing my eyes to tear up and the old woman sitting next to me won’t stop looking over my shoulder and asking me why my pillbox has a tv screen.

She also keeps asking me to change the channel to ‘Days of Our Lives’.

Filed under Experiments | 2 Comments »

Birthday Love

Posted on June 27th, 2006

Today is a special day.

Someone very close to me is having a birthday today! Isn’t that just the greatest? In order to be thought of as the good little GeekMan that I am, I bought this person special birthday flowers which made her very, very happy and got me a kiss. Then I immediately screwed it up by insinuating that she needed to exercise by holding her tightly and grunting as I lifted her up in a hug. At least that’s what she thought I was insinuating.

I thought I was just hugging her.

Of course I had to do something so I made up for my supposed faux pax by kissing her and doing the Happy Birthday Dance, complete with the running man, MC Hammer side-walk and cabbage patch dance moves that she loves so much. Immediately followed by me screwing up yet again when I tried to kiss her again while sweaty.

Mental note for the future; sweaty Geek is bad Geek.

Now, to make up for that we’re headed out to go shopping, for her, which is another Very Good Thing… except that I’ve already screwed it up by insinuating that she needed to go shopping for clothes because her current clothes don’t fit… uh, aren’t fit… to wear anymore?

Yeah! That’s the ticket!

Her current clothes are older fashions and aren’t fit to wear anymore because… uh, because such a beautiful woman needs to be clothed in only the latest, greatest fashions! That’s the reason we’re going shopping! It has absolutely nothing at all to do with how the clothes might hang on her body, because her body is absolutely perfect! Perfectly perfect! In fact, it’s the most wonderously perfect body to ever walk the earth, ever.

Seriously.

And I would never, ever under any circumstances whatsoever, even remotely insinuate that she might want to spend a bit more time at the gym because lord knows if one of us needed to get their fat ass to the gym it should be the idiot who is still typing even though he already knows that he is a dead man.

Is she buying this? No? Does she look angry? Crap.

Well, if I’m alive tomorrow to post it will only be because my bank account has died. Pray for me people, I am soooo going to need it after this.

I am such a stupid, stupid man.

Filed under HoBiscuit | 2 Comments »

Great Danes

Posted on June 26th, 2006

There were five of us, and we were hungry.

After wandering the Copenhagen streets for a few hours looking for a place to eat we had all finally agreed upon a nice little restaurant right on the water in Christianshavn. We were shown our table and given menus from which we would choose our food and drink. All was good in the world and we were all relieved to be sitting down at such a nice place on such a nice day for what we hoped would be a very tasty meal.

And then Trainee walked into our lives.

I knew that Trainee was the name of our good looking young waitress because that’s what the name tag on the left breast of her button down work shirt that was open to the fourth button said. “Hello, my name is Trainee.” No confusion there, nosireebob. But, just to make sure I thoroughly comprehended and understood what her name was, when she leaned over to fill my water glass, I took a good, hard look at that beautifully crafted name tag. That was pinned to her open-to-the-fourth-button button down shirt. On her left breast. You could say I studied that name tag and committed the softly rounded edges, slight surface bumps and smooth creamy colors to my memory for future reference.

Oh man, I just love name tags.

Anywaste, after much debate amongst ourselves we finally decided what we would order. TD, a very worldly man, wanted to know about a signature dish listed on the menu as simply “Delicious Potato Sandwich.” Trainee explained it to TD as, and I quote, “Some potatoes on some bread. Very good, you will like it.” When asked if it alone was enough for lunch Trainee’s only reply was, “That would depend on whether you are hungry or just want to eat something.”

It was at this point that I began taking mental notes for this post.

Undeterred, TD asked Trainee how big the sandwich was, to which Trainee replied, “It fits on the plate.” Trying once more, TD inquired as to the size of the plate and Trainee, in her own special way, rolled her eyes, heaved a big sigh and said, “It is big enough for the sandwich. Do you want it now or do you need to ask more questions first?” At this point it was obvious that TD was going to have to order the Delicious Potato Sandwich if only to see how big it would be. Looking him over, Trainee put a hand to her hip and stated, matter-of-factly, “You, my friend, might want to order something more. You look like an eater.”

As the rest of us laughed up our lungs, a red-faced TD asked for an additional chicken salad sandwich.

After we had all placed our orders, Trainee posited to us a most interesting question. Would any of us like to partake of some locally flavored Schnapps? Three of my friends decided that yes, they would love to try some schnapps, and would Trainee be so kind as to explain to all of us the different choices in flavors?

Her mouth said yes, but Trainee’s eyes told a whole different story.

Leaving us briefly, Trainee quickly returned holding a picnic basket filled with different schnapps flavorings and a single large bottle of unflavored schnapps. She then proceeded to explain to us, in small, monosyllabic words, how the unflavored schnapps would be mixed with one of the various flavoring bottles’ contents to produce a custom glass of flavored schnapps just for us. She then pointed to each flavor bottle and told us what was in it.

“This one is a flower. The essence, of course, since you can see there is no flower in the bottle. I can’t remember the name of the flower, but it is white. This one is a fruit. I do not know what kind of fruit, but it is fruity in flavor. This one tastes like… it is spicy. Not hot, but like a pepper. But not pepper, understand? This one here is very popular with the ladies. It tastes like candy. And this one is apple. It is different from the other fruity flavor because it is an apple and not just fruit. There are others here, but they are not as good as these so I will not mention them. You should not even ask since you will not like them. So, which flavor will you have?”

TD, of course, could not leave well enough alone.

“Do you have Aquavit?”
“Aquavit?”
“Yes. Isn’t that the name of the popular Schnapps here?”
“Oh yes. We have Aquavit, but it is not for you. It is only for real men.”

Much derisive laughter.

“Are you saying that you don’t think I’m a man?”
“Oh no, I see you are a man, but I did not think you wanted such a strong, real man drink.”
“Well, I am a real man and I want a real glass of Aquavit, please.”
“Please? Are you sure you can handle such a real manly-man drink?”
“Hey! I am a real manly-man.”
“OK. If you say so.”

That’s when I fell off my chair.

When Trainee brought over the drinks she placed them down on the table and, I kid you not, she stood next to the table and watched TD drink his glass of Aquavit. When he did not immediately fall over and die, she seemed surprised and grudgingly stated, “Well, I guess you are a real man after all.”

TD’s face was priceless.

There were other things about this lunch that make it one of the best lunches in the history of lunches. Like how I asked for ketchup for my fries and was greeted with an incredulous look of disbelief, as if using ketchup on fries was blasphemy. And how, after she had delivered the ketchup without my noticing and I asked yet again for the ketchup, she leaned down to me and stage whispered, “It is right there. Should I draw you a map or do you think you can reach it on your own?”

Man, was my face red as everyone pointed at me and laughed.

Oh, and the Delicious Potato Sandwich? It consisted of three very small boiled potatoes sliced thin and placed on two teeny, tiny pieces of bread. With mayo. On a plate large enough for a whole turkey. And his chicken salad sandwich was about the size of a Saltine with a melon scoop of chicken salad. I actually think TD left the restaurant hungrier than when he sat down. Actually, I think we all did.

Which is why we immediately went next door and bought ice cream.

Even so, we had a fabulous lunch filled with a whole lot of laughter, some tasty food and one very saucy serving wench. Feeling generous after such a good time, we decided to leave Trainee a very large tip amounting to about 35% of the bill, even though we knew that in Denmark the tip is already included with the cost of the food. Unfortunately for Trainee, when she tried to process the bill the credit card machine rejected our generous tip because it was more than 15% of the total bill. We told her to put the 15% on the card and, as a last act of rebellion, TD whipped out his wallet and handed Trainee enough cash to make up almost 30% more. And, after shoving the cash into her pocket, what did Trainee have to say about such a show of generosity?

“A real man would have given me 40%.”

Filed under Traveling | 3 Comments »

Pictures! Pictures! Pictures!

Posted on June 23rd, 2006

Filed under PhotoBloggery | 1 Comment »