Toy Story

Posted on April 24th, 2006

This weekend I broke down and bought a new cell phone.

It was not a pretty sight. In fact, had you seen my tortured face and beaten spirit, you probably would have said it was sad and pathetic. After almost a full week of attempting to make heads or tails of the price plans offered by all the different cell phone service providers in my area, I blew a gasket and demanded that HoBiscuit accompany me to each individual provider’s store where we would ask questions from the actual people who worked there and, when we figured out which was the best fit for us, make a decision and sign up. And, even though it was raining cats and dogs, HoBiscuit agreed.

Now, that’s love.

Being the Great Planner that I am, I decided that in order to “practice” our questioning skills, and also to make sure we knew what to expect from each provider, we would first go to a cell phone store that resells for all of the providers. It just so happens that in the city there’s about two BILLION cell phone resellers willing to sell you a phone for the pleasure of owning your immortal soul. Walking into the first multi-provider reseller we saw we proceeded to be educated in the ways of Cell-Fu.

“Hello. How may I help you?”
“How much does cell service cost per month for each of these providers?”
“Individually, or as a family?”
“Uhhh… Family.”
“That depends on how much you’re willing to spend per month.”
“But, that’s why we need to know how much the plans are.”
“OK, how many minutes do you think you need per month.”
“I don’t know. 1,000?”
“OK. So, most providers don’t offer 1,000 minutes. But this one here does and it’s only $70 a month.”
“Each?”
“No, that’s the family rate, but once a year they’ll ask you a favor and you cannot refuse them, no matter what they ask.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry. They usually ask for stupid things.”
“Like what?”
“You know, they sometimes need an episode of the Soprano’s taped and they’ll ask you to do it for them.”
“Oh, that’s not so bad.”
“Nope. To be honest though, every once in a while you hear stories of people who were asked for their kidney, or to sacrifice their first born to the demon god Bzzkriktz, but odds are you’ll just be doing something harmless, like picking up their mother from her bingo game on a Thursday night.”
“Oh. Uh… well, what about the other guys?
“Well, this other provider offers only 600 minutes for the same price, but they reserve the right to donate your eyes to medical research.”
“Wait. Before or after I’m dead?”
“That’s not specified in the contract.”
“Damn. OK, moving on…”
“This provider offers 700 minutes at the same price, but their contract specifically states that you must have a mind-control chip placed into your brain for the duration of the contract so they can read your thoughts and control your actions.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s pure science fiction.”
“Nope. Do you know who one of their first customers was?”
“No. Who?”
“Lee Harvey Oswald.”
“Damn. Well, that almost makes sense…”
“Uh-huh. Anyway, these other guys here have really bad reception in this area. However, if you go with these guys, you get 800 minutes and a free kick in the nads every month.”
“I kick them or they kick me?”
“I believe they kick you.”
“Well, am I allowed to wear protection?”
“No. That much I do remember from the contract. Also, and I tell you this in confidence, the contract does not actually specify that a person will do the kicking.”
“Wait. You’re telling me they can use an animal to kick my nads?!”
“Yes. I once heard of them using an angry mule. But even worse is I believe they’ve recently hired a graduate from MIT who has developed a machine that will kick you for them.”
“Oh no!”
“Oh, yes. And their contract also states that if you’re ever late paying them, they can shove a bottle in your butt and continue to kick your nads until your sphincter contracts hard enough to break the bottle.”
“Wow. Well, who do you use?”
“Are you kidding me?! I just carry a phone around to look cool. I’d never sign up with any of these guys.”
“Well, let’s say you had to get a cell phone. Who would you go with then?”
“I’d probably take my chances and go with the first guys. They usually ask for simple things and their phones are pretty cool.”
OK, well… what’s the cost for internet access and text messaging?”
“You want internet and text messaging with your service?! What are you, some psycho nutjob?! They take body parts and souls for those perks, man! Get out of my store, you freak! Get out! GET OUT!!!”

We got.

After another three hours of wandering in the rain from store to store, we finally knew which provider we wanted and, more importantly, which phone. For those who care, we decided to go with T-Mobile because they had very competitive prices, good service in our area and they offered a one year contract just in case we didn’t like them. And, because I’m such a gadget geek, we went with the very cool T-Mobile MDA phone, which seems awesome so far, especially with its hip slide-out keyboard and ability to sync with Outlook. Plus, each month it kindly reminds me when they’re going to ask me for that favor I owe them by shocking my left testicle. It’s the left because they took the right one as the down payment for my cellular internet service.

It’s funny, but I’m not really sure if that was worth it.

Filed under Announcements | 1 Comment »

Cell Phoney

Posted on April 20th, 2006

I just don’t get it.

Why is it that cell phone service plans are still so expensive years and years after land lines and internet access have become so inexpensive as to almost be considered a necessary commodity? It truly does boggle my mind that I’m going to have to pay over $200 fricking dollars a fricking MONTH in order to get 700-1,000 minutes of talk time plus internet access plus text messaging for two people!

What the frick?!

How does this make sense? Oh, I can understand it making sense to the providers, it is money after all. But how in the world can they charge more for a text message than for the actual phone calls a person makes when anyone who has ever used a computer can tell you that voice data is “heavier” (meaning more bandwidth intensive) than text? That’s what I call gouging, plain and simple.

And how about the phones?

I mean, if you want a “cool” phone your choice is practically nonexistent. Where are the colors? Where are the slick form factors? Why are there tons of cool phones available in Japan and Korea but none here in the States? I want my bright red, super-slim, internet enabled, full Qwerty keyboard phone, dammit!

With a 3 megapixel camera, of course.

But let’s forget about the perfect phone and talk about the service you can get with current phones for a minute. We all know that if you want good service then the phones are going to look like they were designed in 1995. They claim to do all this cool stuff, but really, they don’t. Or they do it, but in a half-assed way. Sure, the RAZR will do text messaging, but who the hell wants to use the number keypad to text? Want to text your SO, “Want to have dinner?” That’ll be 92668 # 8666 # 44288833 # 3444666633777.

And who the heck knows how to enter a question mark?

Want a PDA-like phone? Well then you better not want to make a phone call because they suck at that. Want a cool ringtone? That’ll cost you $2 and you lose it if you ever reset your phone. Want unlimited messaging? That’ll be $20 per phone and you might not be able to send more than 250 characters per message!

That’s fewer characters than in the last paragraph alone!

And why in the world are certain phones, made by third party makers no less, offered only by certain providers? Do you like the style of Slide-Up Qwerty Keyboard Model X5? Too bad, because it’s only offered by provider Z and their service in your area is poopie. Exclusive deals are nice for the companies, but even when the phone you want is being offered by the provider you want to use, they disable all the cool features you wanted in the first place! And then you find out a similar phone is being offered by another provider, but that provider’s service is so bad in your area you’d rather shoot BBs into your ears until you go deaf than use them as your provider.

ARGH!

I’m sick and tired of going through the anxiety of researching cell phone providers every two years and coming to the conclusion EVERY TIME that they all suck. True, I’ve been happy with my current provider, but they don’t offer any cool phones at all. Not one. They’re all ugly or, worse yet, old-fashioned looking with no keyboard. Plus, my provider’s internet options are so outrageously expensive that I think I’ll vomit blood if I see another surcharge for “10¢ per additional text message.” I need a new provider AND a new phone and I don’t know what to do.

Someone, anyone, help me out? Please?

Filed under Rants | 2 Comments »

Summer Camp Fun

Posted on April 19th, 2006

It’s almost time for summer camp.

When I was a kid I both looked forward towards and loathed the coming of summer. Like almost every kid, I loved the ending of the school year and the beginning of summer, but I also knew that because of summer, I would have to leave most of my school friends behind and go off to the wilds of upstate New York for two months of kiddy incarceration at Camp Beatdakidz. Of course, that wasn’t the camp’s real name, but it might as well have been since all the counselors and CITs had an enormous amount of fun beating the crap out of all the kids in their care. They also spent far more time getting into each other’s pants than they did looking out for the campers which helps explain how Randy Holstrom, a kid deathly afraid of nature, managed to break his arm when he fell out of a tree after someone (who shall remain nameless… ahem) shouted, “Man-eating bear!” at a camp-out.

Ah, good times. Good times.

So, in celebration of the coming summer, and to help those of you who might be going to summer camp, or who might be sending their kids to summer camp, I present to you;

GeekMan’s Top Five Awesomest Summer Camp Practical Jokes Ever!

1. Wrap clear plastic wrap around the underside of the toilet seat. This one works particularly well on women’s toilets, since they always have to sit down or squat and they also don’t have any dangling parts to give them a warning that something is wrong. Sometimes it is also necessary to unscrew the nearest lightbulb so as not to give the joke away prematurely through a stray reflection.
2. As someone is showering, pour your favorite drink powder on them from above. Hot chocolate powder and bright red Kool-Aid powder work best. This one is not as effective if you can’t get them from above because from the sides it’s too easy to wash off. Plus, they can see you do it, which is bad.
3. You and a friend grab the arms of a younger camper, one arm for each of you, and begin asking the frightened kid, “Who do you like better, him or me?” Whoever it is who the kid didn’t say he liked better will immediately begin hitting the kid in the arm until the kid changes his mind at which time the OTHER guy starts hitting the kid until he switches back. This continues until the poor kid is a retched, sobbing heap on the floor or until you and your friend are laughing so hard you can’t keep your grip on the kid. This is a favorite for counselors and CITs and for some reason never grows stale.
4. Pour ketchup on someone’s sheets, near where their feet will be when they go to sleep, and then re-make the bed. Later that evening when they get into bed, they’ll let out a horrible scream and, when they jump out of the bed in horror, they’ll look as if they’re covered in blood. This is best when done early in the day so that by the time the person gets into bed at night the ketchup is the same temperature as the bed sheets and it will take them an extra second or so to realize what’s wrong.
5. Hang someone’s underwear on the flagpole. Extra points if it has the kids name sewn in the lining. Super bonus if the kid is still wearing them at the time.

Got any of your own you wish to share?

Filed under Experiments | 3 Comments »

Procrastination Con-crastination

Posted on April 17th, 2006

I’ve gotten very lazy.

While it’s true that I’ve been working hard in real life, if I were to be completely honest about it there’s no valid reason or excuse for my lack of updates on this site. I might bring up how excruciatingly difficult my life is right now, but I’m no pansy who cries on strangers shoulders in the hopes of garnering some sympathy, or at least some spare change.

Because I know firsthand that it doesn’t work, that’s why.

Well, truth be told, I’ve just been a bit preoccupied with certain other things in my life right now. And before you psycho women out there go ballistic, HoBiscuit is NOT pregnant. No bun in the oven here. And believe me, the way things are going right now if we found out that we were pregnant I would probably suspect some higher power of playing a joke on me. You know, “We’re pregnant… with quintuplets!”

Oy. Just imagining that scenario gives me hives.

And speaking of hives, guess what season it is? That’s right, it’s allergy season! My favoritist time of the fricking year! And this year they’re really kicking my butt. To put it in perspective, if my body was Iraq, Zyrtec was America’s armed forces and my allergies were Al-Qaeda then I’m sorry to say that Osama has won and he’s set up his headquarters in the caves of my sinuses. And every time he says “Death to America,” I sneeze until my nose bleeds.

Ugh. I fricking hate, hate, HATE allergies.

Filed under Rants | 4 Comments »

The Great Escape

Posted on April 12th, 2006

I’m never too busy to daydream.

Let’s say you’re over your friends place. Let us also conjecture that your friend lives on the 20th floor of a high-rise apartment building. Furthermore, let us imagine that your friend is boring you to tears by showing you a slideshow of a recent trip to a public library in Tanzania. In such circumstances it is perfectly understandable that in order to prevent you from committing suicide by gnawing off your own lips and bleeding to death with a bloody grin on your face you might look out of the window.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

Hypothetically speaking, what would be the first thought in your head if, when glancing out the window, you saw a narrow ledge about 20 feet below that lead to a dilapidated fire escape which in turn lead to a six foot leap to a nearby condemned building’s rooftop, across from which there was an open window showing you a comfortable chair in front of a television which just happened to be showing your most favoritist TV show ever? And, just to complete the picture, next to the chair is a small table with the remote, your favorite snack food and an open cold one.

And a sign saying, “Welcome to Paradise”

I’m a simple man, with simple needs. So, theoretically speaking of course, seeing something like this when I was so bored that I was seriously wondering if anyone would notice if I willed my heart to stop beating so I could die, I know for a fact what would go through my head. No matter what his age or what kind of physical shape a guy is in, no matter how many times in his life he has failed miserably at any and all physical tasks he has ever faced, every guy in the world will have the exact same thought in their head as they look across at what at that moment seems to be their ultimate salvation.

“Hmmm… I could make that if I really wanted to.”

Filed under Experiments | 1 Comment »