I’m done.

I can’t keep up this pace, people. I’m not a machine! I’m a human being and I need sleep and food and all sorts of other things to keep me alive and in relatively good mental and emotional health or I’ll go nutso! As it is I’m already I’m losing it! The other day, as I sat on another airplane on my way to/from another city I actually began to believe that there were terrorist weasels sitting in first class demanding free mini-bottles of scotch or they would hijack the plane and make us fly to Jamaica for the International Limbo and Steel Drum Convention.

And I thought that sounded like a good idea!

Hrmph. So, in an totally useless attempt to retain whatever sanity I have left, I’ve decided that I’m going to have to step away from this website until my travel schedule slows down enough for me to spend more than one night in a row at home. For those of you who have not been keeping up, let me just say that although the places I’ve been to, and am going, might sound fun and exotic to you, to me they only sound like no sleep and lots of hard work.

And so, to answer Where’s GeekMan? III… In hell.

Seriously, since May 1st I’ve already been to five cities and by the middle of July, which is when my schedule slows down, I’ll have been to three more. And that’s not taking into account that whenever I am back in NY I’m working at some random hotel or office doing pre-production for the next trip out again. Just to keep you guys occupied for a few moments here’s a list of the places I’ve been and will be in order of my schedule:

• Home
• Orlando
• Puerto Rico
• New York City
• Houston, Texas
• New Jersey
• New York City
• Cannes, France
• New York City
• Ghana, Africa
• New York City
• New Jersey
• Home

Not to complain, but that’s a hell lot of traveling for two months.

You may have noticed that I mention NYC a lot in that list, well that’s because the companies that hire me have offices there and whenever I’m working for them I usually have to do pre-production at their offices. Sometimes I get to go home at night to see HoBiscuit and sometimes they put me up in a hotel in order to keep my leash on longer so I always remember who’s in charge and don’t get crazy ideas in my WageMonkey head while they sleep.

Like escaping to Jamaica to become a professional limbo-ist.

Anywaste, I’m sorry to tell you that because of my immense workload I’m going to have to stop writing my funny stories here for a while. I know, I know, “Since when have you written something funny? Haw, haw!” Well, I guess I deserve that since I’ve been pretty sporadic for the last month or so. But I promise that when I return in July I will once again be writing something funny (or at least something I think is funny) every weekday, just like old times.

I might also be debuting a new look. If I’m lucky.

I will try to write in here every chance I get; it’s not as if I’m going to just disappear off the face of the earth for a month you know. I just can’t promise to do it on any sort of regular schedule. So check back here every day and maybe, just maybe, there’ll be something here to make you laugh.

And if there isn’t… who cares?! I’m going to Cannes and Ghana! WooHoo!

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

Today marks the fourth birthday of this Web Log, which means that I have been wasting my bandwidth and your time with my inane words and stupid stories for over 1,459 days. It’s a wonder that I’m still here, but even more of a wonder that there are some people out there who actually enjoy my brand of craziness enough to come back week after week to read the drivel I post here at The Mighty Geek.

Idiots.

Four years ago I started this site with a whimper, barely a blip on the radar screen of the great information superhighway. This was just another worthless web site with nothing to offer the world but essays written in kindergarten-level English containing the naval-gazing, sophomoric humor of yet another online idiot with delusions of grandeur. I never wanted to change the world with this site; I didn’t want to change anyone’s mind, belief or viewpoint to mine. And because of that I never tried to be relevant, cutting edge or even controversial.

I just tried to be funny.

All I wanted to do was find a group of people out there in the world who would enjoy my stories and possibly even find them as funny as I do. Things happen all the time in my life that I wanted to share with others in the hopes that they too would find them as funny as I did. Things that have happened in my past, my present and yeah, sometimes only in my mind, make me fall down to the ground laughing while those around me scratch their heads in bewilderment wondering if they should join in or get a stick to place between my teeth.

And I was tired of choking on bark.

So, here I am, just like that stupid battery-bunny in the commercials; still going after four years of throwing my words out into the ether, and still wondering if anyone out there is listening. So today, on the day that my website celebrates its fourth year of existence, I’m going to do the unusual (for me) and ask you, my loyal and loving readership, to do something for me.

I want love.

Yeah, you heard me. I want love. I want those of you who have websites to write a little something about my site and link it to me. But I’m looking for the craziest, weirdest, wackiest words/sentences/paragraphs you’ve ever used to link to someone. I want word combinations that will make the editors of Merriam Webster’s dictionary cringe. Be creative. Be inventive. Be Geeky. Insult me in a new and creative way. Tell people why you keep coming back here even though I warn you not to. Make me laugh with how silly your words about me are. Hell, make yourself laugh and forget about anyone else. Most of all have fun with this, because lord knows I love me a good laugh.

Happy birthday to TMG. And happy damn day to you.

My brain farted.

Actually, I’ve just been so busy that I haven’t had time to come up with another clever method of giving you clues to my whereabouts. So, in a spasm of non-creativeness I’ve decided to simply list a few facts about the place I’m in and the hotel I’m staying at and see if anyone out there can come up with the right answers. Remember, I’m not just looking for the city/State/country, I also want the name of my hotel.

And now; The Clues. In orgasmically cryptic list form!

• This land is a protected, shining star.
• According to Rick, the women from here live the crazy life.
• Rick also thinks this whole place is ‘his’ place.
• Rick is an ass.
• It’s hot here.
• And moist.
• And humid.
• Did I mention hot?
• The frogs here come out at night to annoy people who are trying to sleep.
• By saying just two letters most people would know exactly what place I am talking about.
• The place where I’m staying might be translated as ‘the 16th century explorer’.

I miss my bed.

What’s it all for?!

When I shower I use some shampoo and a bar of soap. Sometimes, if I feel like pampering myself, I’ll use conditioner and sing show tunes. Now, I know that math isn’t my greatest academic strength (which, for the record, just so happens to be “How To Crack Your Best Friends’ Crack – Making The Perfect Rat-Tail Towel-Whip 101”) but when adding up all the products I use when I bathe, I consistently get the number 3.

Yet, there seem to be far more than three items in my shower.

A quick scan of my shower reveals to me three bars of soap, two large bottles of shampoo, no less than five travel-size bottles of shampoo from various upscale hotels, three travel-size bottles of conditioner, two bottles of lotion, a razor, a loofah and a partridge in a pear tree.

It’s a wonder I can fit in there with all that junk!

Now, on a subconscious level I guess I knew about the invasion, but I didn’t notice how cluttered my shower had become until this morning when, as I stepped over the rim of the bathtub (careful not to knock over the little shampoo bottles, of course) I discovered two new sponges and a hair scrunchy laying on the bathtub floor. Not knowing what to do about these items I promptly went back into the bedroom, woke HoBiscuit up and demanded an explanation.

She was not happy.

So, after being beaten to within an inch of my life by my not-so-lovely-when-she’s-sleep-deprived wife, she explained to me using small words in the soothing tones usually reserved for mentally challenged children, that I needed to grow up because while men (and men was said in the same tone she might have used to describe a particularly disgusting form of butt fungus) might be able to get away with cleaning themselves with whatever was handy, (spit, gravel, planks of wood with a fish carcass nailed to it) women needed to be pampered or they would simply rot where they stood and melt away into a puddle of grease, grime, dirt and dead skin cells.

Sugar and spice?! Hardly!

So now, as I lay here in my hospital bed recovering from HoBscuit’s love taps, I can only wonder;

What do you have in your shower, and why?

And do you care?

Once again work has reared its ugly head and I am going to be a traveling Geek for the next two months. I’ll be going to places both near and far and sometimes (like now) I’ll even be travelling to two different cities during the same week without going home first. Since it’s so difficult for me to post as often as I normally do while I’m traveling, I thought I’d distract you with a stupid, little game that I’m going to call, “Where’s GeekMan?”

And no, Waldo ain’t getting a dime in royalties from me.

Anywaste, here’s how it’s going to work. I’m going to give you some clues and you need to guess, not only what city I’m in, but also what hotel I’m staying at. That should help make this interesting since I never divulge that information to anyone for fear of all the adoring fans who would show up to pelt me with exclamations of their undying love & devotion, roses and slightly musty female undergarments.

Hey, if Jaleel White can get the ladies’ panties, so can the GeekMan.

We’re going to start with an easy one, but rest assured that it will get harder as the weeks go on. Anyone can play, leave your guesses in the comments. And now, on with the show…

The Clue:

Dear Daisy,
I must apologize in advance for the short length of my letter as your husband Don is irate at me for misplacing his blue shirt and so I must now go and fetch him another before the store closes. This short outburst aside, we’ve been having a wonderful time of it here, even though we are staying at a hotel infamous for its fowl play. Yesterday, as the sun set over the orange trees, we took a lovely walk through the park. It was quite beautiful, magical really, and both Don and I wished on the stars above that you were with us to share that moment.
Today I expect that we’ll meet with five of Don’s friends in the lobby of our hotel and then go for a swim. It should be a lot of fun, even if everyone in the world will see us frolicking in the water.
Yours,
Monsieur Bloom