Month: February 2004

Jet Pain

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   6

Yes, it is true, I’m leaving you again.

I’m headed to Vegas for work tomorrow and will probably be gone for about a week. And because I am such a self-abusive loser, I will once again expose my fragile ego to the masses and invite everyone who wants to meet me to come on out to Vegas for lunch or dinner. And of course, once again I will have no takers.

Come on people! I may be a Geek, but I’ve still got feelings!

Honestly, I don’t know why I keep trying. I mean, it’s just like back in third grade when nobody wanted me to sit with them during lunch and I had to sit on the floor next to the bathrooms and eat my FlufferNutter and bananas sandwich all alone. Crying at how cruel the world was and making empty vows of revenge on all the cool kids. And all they ever did was point at me and laugh… and laugh… and laugh…

*sob*

Oh man, see what you did? Now I’m crying! That’s it, I hate you all! I’m taking my toys and going home and I’m not going to talk to you for at least a week! So there! Are you happy now, Poopie-faces? Huh?! Are you happy?!

*sniffle*
Somebody get me a tissue.

Dig Your Own Hole

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   6

Let the games begin.

HoBiscuit and GeekMan are sitting in the house, she’s reading and he’s working on the computer while listening to randomly shuffled MP3s when Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield” comes on. Halfway through the song HoBiscuit, The Mighty Wife, turns to GeekMan with a mischievous look in her eyes.

HoBiscuit [being cute and coy]:
“Honey, you know I love you, right?”

GeekMan [not really listening]:
“Uh-huh.”

HoBiscuit [unhappy with GeekMan’s inattention]:
“Do you love me?”

GeekMan [unheeding of the warning signs, still not listening]:
“Uh-huh.”

HoBiscuit [eyes angry slits and lower lip pouting]:
“Do you know that our love is a battlefield?”

GeekMan [oblivious]:
“Mmm-hmmm.”

HoBiscuit [angry in an adorably cute way]:
“Well, do you know that I’m winning?”

GeekMan [finally waking up to the fact that he’s in danger]:
“Huh? What? I don’t… you… what?”

HoBiscuit goes back to reading her magazine with a very, very satisfied smile. For the rest of the day GeekMan is so confused and frightened that he actually does the laundry and vacuums without being asked.

Game – Set – Match : HoBiscuit.

Circus Phreak

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   4

I’ve got animal crackers in my underwear.

They’re the vanilla animal crackers you get in a big teddy-bear tub from Costco or BJs. There’s an elephant, a lion, a llama, a seal on a ball and a monkey. The monkey is my favorite. He’s the only one not leaving crumbs in my crotch. I think I’ll call him Howard. Howard the Circus Monkey, because he’s in the animal cracker circus. And to show him how much I like him I’m going to eat Howard last.

Hey, anyone out there want a nice, warm animal cracker?

Amazing Stories

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   3

There are eight of us in the restaurant.

One of our friends is telling a us the story of how she came home late one night, a little drunk, to find her boyfriend unconscious and bleeding from his head on the floor of their apartment after he had spent the night at a bachelor party.

No, not mine.
Continue reading →

Guys And Dolls

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   4

Even toys mock me.

Well ain’t this a kick in the nads? It seems that I’m going to be an action figure, except that it looks nothing like me and I’m not making a penny off of any of the sales. And what’s with the lousy super powers? ‘Opposite Sex Repulsion’ I can understand but ‘Less Than Ideal Personal Hygiene Routine’? Puh-LEASE! I shower once a week like any other decent human being, thankyouverymuch.

I even use soap twice a month, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
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Don’t Give Up On Me

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   9

I’m traveling again.

Yeah, yeah, I know. You’ve stopped caring. You’ve found another website or three with funnier content that’s updated more than once a week and you no longer give a dirty rat’s behind whether I’m alive, dead or lying in a coma in a small Guatemalan village as the local witch doctor prepares to exorcise the evil spirits holding me hostage by removing my gallbladder using a pointed stick and some fresh elephant dung.

Hey, it could happen. And then wouldn’t you feel just horrible?

Anywaste, I’m headed to Phoenix this weekend and I’ll be back next Thursday. When I return I’m going to be focusing my attention on a brand new redesign of this site and, starting in March, quite possibly going back to my normal routine of daily updates. So, if you’ve taken me off your Favorites list and banished me from your BlogRoll because you were sure I was going to fade away to nothingness, shame on you for your faithlessness. And by you, I mean YOU.

No, the other one. Next to you. With the hat. Yes. You.

Financial Rant #826

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   2

*Warning*

The following rant is not particularly funny. It’s a real, honest-to-crappiness rant about mortgages and really, how funny can one make a mortgage rant sound? It’s also meant to help inform other self-employed individuals like me who might be looking into purchasing a home. So, if you read this post be prepared for informative silliness, not a funny story. But don’t worry, I’ll be funny tomorrow. Promise. Thank you for your indulgence.
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Something’s Fishy

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Here on my site I call my brother Fishman.

And on Tuesday, that’s tomorrow for all you self-employed people without calendars, you can all find out why. Well, only if you’re willing to put up with watching a stupid, insipid and idiotic television show called America’s Next Top Model. That’s because this Tuesday one of my brother’s creations will be featured on that show and I couldn’t be more proud. Please watch the show in support of my brother so that he might get some business from it and thus be able to pay me back the money he has owed me for the last 20 years.

Plus interest, Fishman. Plus interest.