Coffeehouses suck giraffe penis.
Since I don’t drink coffee but need to be inside this café in order to access the internet I felt it would only be fair for me to actually purchase something from this House of Stinky Liquids. It took me a few minutes of perusing the menu bolted to the wall behind the counter before I found something I thought might be palatable, and then I stepped up to the terminally bored 15-going-on-50 year-old cashier.
“WelcometoStarF***’ssir. MayItakeyourorder?”
“Yes. I would like a medium hot chocolate, please.”
“Cream, half and half, or milk?”
“What?”
“Do you want cream, half and half, or milk in your mocha coffee?”
“Oh! Heh, actually I don’t want a mocha coffee. I want a hot chocolate.”
[dirty look from cashier]
“Mmm-hmmmm.”
[much button pressing]
“So, you want a hot chocolate?”
“Yes, please.”
“What size?”
“Medium.”
“Would you like some milk in that?”
“Uh… is it whole milk?”
“No sir, it’s 2%.”
“Ye-Gods No! I’ll thank you to keep that foul demon’s blood far away from my drink, young lady. Might as well have offered me kangaroo sperm…”
“Right. Would you like whipped cream?”
“No.”
“Sugar?”
“Look, I don’t mean to spoil your little script recitation here, but all I want is a medium hot chocolate. That’s all, nothing else. Ok?”
[very dirty look from cashier]
“Right. One steamed milk, chocolate. Hold the cold milk, no foam, sans sugar and cinnamon. That’ll be $7.50.”
[GeekMan falls to the floor in cardiac arrest]
The worst part of it is that the hot chocolate SUCKS. It actually tastes like chocolate flavored coffee and is making me physically ill every time I attempt to sip it. It’s almost as if a cup of good hot chocolate had been strained through a three days dead street bum’s dirty sock, re-boiled and poured into a used paper coffee cup.
[sip]
Ew. Man, that’s some nasty hot chocolate.
Anywaste, I was actually writing to let everyone know that I’m headed out on another job tomorrow. I’m going down to Florida, west Palm Beach to be exact, and I’m once again offering anyone who lives in that area the chance to humiliate themselves in public by meeting me for dinner and thus being labeled a social outcast for all eternity. Just send me an email or leave a comment if you’re interested and we’ll see what we can work out. I’ll meet almost anywhere just as long as it’s not a coffeehouse.
[sip]
[gagging and dry heaving]
So… this is what feet taste like, hmmm?
[lip smacking]
Nutty.
Speaking of feet, I think I left some socks under your couch.. they should hatch by Saturday.
I always go for the tea in those godforsaken places. They’ve always got a couple of teabags lying around to soak up all the hot water flying around in there.
Sure, it’s usually the pretentious crap tea, like ‘Green Meadow Mist’ or ‘Earl of Windsor Chamomile’, but it’s still better than the other filth they serve.
The tea may taste like dirt and ass, but at least it’s not dead bum dirt and ass. So at least there’s that…
Well, I can definitely sympathize with your distaste of coffee and coffee products. I don’t like tea or milk either, so basically I am totally out of casual dating options.
On another note, looks like you got the corner icons of the menus on the right looking correctly on my Mac.
Eww! I can understand your hate of cafés now… you are basing your opinions on a place like StarFarks!
Eww! *shakes hands*
If there is one thing I will never understand, it’s StarF*cks. ONE REGULAR cofeee at any other place is usually about $2. There, it’s about $9.50. Just for a regular coffee. I could understand if they were charging for a thousand herbs and spices, but they’re not, it’s just regular coffee!!! Assfucks.
Mmmm…feet…
Get yourself sent to the California Coast and I’ll take you to an internet cafe where you can get a rum and coke and while I generally disagree with mixing alcohol and the internet, I’d make an exception for His Geekness.
Oh, and enjoy your trip.
Might I suggest Chai Tea? Very Nummy. :) Or I suppose you could save the cup(carefully cleaned of all nasty coffee), sneak in when no one’s looking with your own hot cocoa and net till you implode with guilt. :)