Month: September 2007

Legendary

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

I just received a gift from the gaming gods.

That’s right, I have in my possession Halo 3 Legendary Edition with Halo Spartan Mjolnir Mark VI Helmet! And you know, that helmet is about the same size as my little girl’s head… Anywaste, if anyone, ANYONE, believes that I will be doing anything productive this weekend they are so mistaken, it’s not even funny. I plan on sitting down in front of my 106″ HD projection home theater screen, firing up the 7.1 speakers, strapping on several diapers and simply playing Halo until my eyes literally fall out of my skull. And if you think that’s obsessive, or just stupid, may I point out to you the MASSIVE amount of willpower I am showing by waiting until this weekend to even open the game?! OMG, I hope a week-long woody doesn’t leave me with permanent nerve damage, or anything.

Halo 3 iz da shizzam!

Meatasaurus

• by GeekMan • In Family, Geek Life •   3

I need meat.

I know it’s healthier for me to eat vegetables and green things and stuff, but the honest to goodness truth is that I need to eat meat to survive. Not, “I like to eat meat.” Nor, “I’d love steak with my salad.” Not even, “I really like having at least one meal a day be of the meat variety.” No, these statements do not do justice to the fact that my body MUST have meat in order for me to be happy.

And right now I am not happy.

This is because I am not eating my quota of meat every day. You see, MotherBiscuit and FatherBiscuit are staying with us right now to help us out with our new baby girl. I really, truly do appreciate all the help and advice they’re giving us. Without their help HoBiscuit and I would probably have been overwhelmed with everything we needed to do once The Mighty Baby arrived, but thanks to their help and support we’re actually rested and of sound mind and body.

But the food situation…

Let me fill you in on a little background. When HoBiscuit and I were dating and I went with her to visit her parents they would feed us such foods as would make anyone feel like a king. 12 course dinners, 7 course lunches and breakfasts’ of such bounty as to cause the kitchen table to buckle and collapse from the weight. They took care to find out what I could and couldn’t eat and made dishes to cater to my needs. Each meal had at least two different meats for me to choose from. They welcomed me with open refrigerators and showered me with their culinary confections.

But that’s all changed now.

Now, all I get is some watery soup, iceberg lettuce, plain white rice, some shredded potatoes and, if I’m lucky, scallion buns. Did you notice what was missing from the above menu? Oooo, nice try. You’re right that dessert wasn’t mentioned, but that’s not the most glaring omission of my most recent dinner. Do you need a hint?

A whole freaking course, is what!

No meat! None! MotherBiscuit didn’t even pass the rice over some meat scraps left over from last week to infuse the hint of meat odor onto it. At the end of the meal MotherBiscuit asked me if I liked it, and I said yes thinking there was more coming! I didn’t realize that the meal was over. If I had, I might have asked for seconds of the potatoes and chased that down with about 25 scallion buns!

OMG, I was soooo hungry!

Now, I realize that just by being here MotherBiscuit and FatherBiscuit are doing us a massive bit of help. They truly are. And lest you think I’m complaining about their good intentions let me state here and now that I appreciate everything they’re doing to help. I just wish that over the course of their stay that MotherBiscuit will find it in her heart to once again begin cooking real meals so that when I leave the table I am actually full. I mean, I’d cook more myself but every time I get near the stove MotherBiscuit appears at my shoulder like some wraith and begins asking questions. And there’s really no good way a good son-in-law can answer questions like, “Is my cooking not good enough for you?”

Man, I gotta get me a steak before I kill something.

The Monster

• by GeekMan • In Family •   0

Dear Morpheus, son of Hypnos, how I do miss you.

So, I’ve got myself one of those, what do you call them… ? Ah, yes. Children. And now I can’t seem to find enough time to do anything, especially sleep. And in case you didn’t know, I really, really like to sleep. At least I think I do. It’s so hard to remember since the last time I slept was months ago and I believe it was for a whole three seconds.

Come to think on it, that might have just been a long blink.

Anywaste, as I have discovered, these children things are like adult anti-sleep pills in tiny demon form. They drown your ability to sleep as if they were some giant vat of Red Bull and, even if all they’re doing is sleeping themselves, you find yourself sitting at the edge of their crib watching them sleep to make sure they’re sleeping well.

It’s as if this mini-beast has swallowed my free will.

However, it should be noted that just as some hostages form symbiotic bonds with their captors, I find myself willingly submitting to my new master’s will. When she cries for food, I find HoBiscuit and offer her to my tiny goddess. Should the Mighty Baby desire a nap, I will gladly kill the garbage truck driver who dares to meander down our street with his loud truck that caused her to furrow her brow. And should she have gas, I am first to gently pat her back and help that nasty air get out. But, what about the poop, you ask? Well, I have to draw the line somewhere and my line is right above the Mighty Babies buttocks. Because for “Teh p00p” we have a wall hook, a power wash hose and a hair dryer.

OMG, that stuff is nasty!