Month: July 2007

How Bizarro

• by GeekMan • In Education, Rants •   4

I don’t like Superman.

I never really “got” Superman. He always seemed to be too much. Too powerful, too nice, too wonderful. It really irked me. I’m more of a flawed-hero or reluctant hero kind of guy, so I wasn’t in any rush to see the Superman Returns movie. But I got a copy this weekend and watched it and, while I enjoyed the movie, I came away from it with lots of questions. The more I thought about it, the less I liked the movie. And then, the less and less I liked the idea of a Superman character. But, after just a little while of thinking about it I began to… well, question the whole concept of the character. And I came to the conclusion that Superman, as a whole, is so flawed that it’s just dumb.

That’s right, I said it. Superman is dumb.

Superman, as a concept, sounds like a good character. A guy who can fly, shoot lasers from his eyes, lift a bajillion pounds and is invulnerable sure sounds like a great idea for a fun time, doesn’t it? But, even using the made-up logic of a comic book world or more recently of the movie world, Superman just doesn’t make sense. Let’s even forget the whole “flying so fast the world spins backward and time reverses itself” shenanigans and concentrate on simple things. Little things that, when looked at, cause the whole character and comic-movie world to fall apart.

How about we start with the sun?

Superman, no matter how human he might seem, is actually an alien who gets his powers from the sun because our sun is yellow and the sun from world he came from, Krypton, was red. Got that? Our yellow sun makes him Superman. Now, this alien planet he came from was so technologically advanced that they could shoot a baby into space, across millions of light-years, and not only keep that baby alive when it could not possibly eat anything on its own, but also land the spaceship on the far-away planet they chose without harming the child or ship. Amazing, right?

Then why the hell didn’t all those Kryptonians have super-powers?

All they needed was to change their red sun rays into yellow sun rays and voila! Instant Supermen and Superwomen. A race as techno-savvy as they were supposed to be couldn’t figure out that certain types of radiation would give them super-powers? Come on! That doesn’t make sense! But let’s forget about that. Let’s accept the fact that our yellow sun gives Superman his powers and no one on Krypton figured that out in time to save the planet from exploding and move on to other, even simpler things about Superman that don’t work.

How about sex?

Superman is not human. He’s an alien, with an aliens physiology. How amazing, how utterly astonishing it would be, for two species from two completely different worlds to be able to mate! I mean, a man and a monkey look pretty similar but can’t have offspring, yet somehow we are to believe that an alien and a human can just because they look outwardly similar?

But, OK. Let’s accept that, too.

Let’s say that somehow, through a miracle of evolution, Superman has the same equipment as humans do and he and Lois Lane have sex. What would happen? Well, sperm happen. And what are sperm? Basically, they are egg-seeking missiles. Their one mission is to find a female’s ovaries and fertilize an egg. So they swim upstream until they reach one and fertilize it, or die trying.

But, remember. These are Supersperm.

They wouldn’t be constrained by a woman’s body. They could reach their target at supersonic speeds by destroying any barrier in between it and its goal. Even the woman’s flesh itself. Plus, once the nearest egg was fertilized, the other 100 million sperm would seek out other eggs. And since these are supersperm they could fly around the world in seconds, impregnating 100 million women by ripping right through their bodies to reach their destination.

Doesn’t that sound wonderful?

There are a myriad of other problems with Superman. Like how the rock and dirt from his home world reached the earth at the same time as his ship, even though it should have taken those fragments millions of years. Or how about Kryptonite, Superman’s one weakness? Why is he weakened by it? Wouldn’t that mean he would have died at birth on his home world? And even if Kryptonite for some reason caused him to become ill, wouldn’t the yellow sun rays change the Kryptonite radiation into something harmless or even helpful to Superman? Yellow sun rays give Superman his powers, why wouldn’t it also make Kryptonian rocks good for him? But let’s say they do cause him harm, why aren’t there ever any lasting effects? If the sun heals him from the long-term effects, why not from the short term?

It’s crazy.

And how about the people around him? Despite the hundreds of photographs of Superman, no one thinks he and Clark Kent look alike? Lois Lane is such a bad investigative reporter that she can’t put two and two together when Clark disappears for the millionth time and Superman suddenly appears? Lex Luthor is a genius who can find Kryptonite almost anywhere whenever he needs it, but can’t figure out how to make Kryptonite bullets or a bomb? Doesn’t it all seem a bit… stupid?

But hey, what do I know? I’m a SpiderMan fan.

Stage 27,925: Complete

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Home Ownership •   2

I can almost taste victory.

We bought our current apartment over a year ago and moved into it back in January and we have yet to unpack. You might wonder why we’ve been living out of boxes for the last 7 months, but really, it’s no big mystery.

You see, we’ve been doing renovations.

Of course, this is where most of our friends and family throw up their hands in frustration and disbelief. Not because we’re doing renovations, but because we’re doing renovations on what was a completely brand new apartment in a new construction building. Yes, you read that right. We are the very first people to live in this apartment, and the building in which we live was constructed less than three years ago. Nothing was used, everything was brand new. So why did we do “renovations” when it sounds like nothing needed to be renovated?

Well, because as it was the apartment sucked.

The layout was all wrong, with doors everywhere they shouldn’t be, hallways that used up space that should have been better utilized, no usable closet space and a kitchen that was worse than useless. The developer had simply built a building fast and cheap without thinking about how people would actually live in the spaces he was creating. Luckily, HoBiscuit and I are very good at seeing past that kind of stuff, so we ignored the horrible layout and saw that the actual space was wonderful. A duplex apartment with three full bathrooms in New York is almost unheard of! So, looking past its cosmetic flaws we thought we could make it into something beautiful for us to live in. Transforming the apartment from the ugly caterpillar it currently was into the beautiful butterfly we imagined it could be. All it needed was a little work, and some money.

And holycrapyoucannotbeserious amounts of time.

Oh my lord, did we underestimate how long this project would take. We originally thought three months would be sufficient to complete the entire project, but we quickly came to realize that we were so very, very naive. From construction permits, to ordering materials, to unexpected surprises, nothing happened on time or on schedule. It was as if we were cursed by the construction gods and had to atone for our sins by being forever covered in white construction dust. Some of our daily rituals included making the bed every morning by covering it with a plastic tarp, eating every meal (every fricking meal!) at local restaurants because we didn’t have a kitchen for four months, and always wearing some kind of foot covering just in case a stray nail or screw was lying around looking for a foot to penetrate for giggles.

Damn you, 8 penny nail. Damn you to hell.

We had done renovations before, but never like this. And we hope to never do it again. But now, finally, we are nearing the end. This week is the last of the finishing touches on the work already done. And in one month, around the time that the Mighty Baby will be joining us, we should have a brand new stair railing as well. And that will finally end this whole saga and maybe, just maybe, I can stop using this craptastic laptop as my business machine, set up my home office properly and start blogging on a regular basis again.

Won’t that be nice?

Chili Bomb

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

Last night I made chili for the first time.

It was delicious and tasty and spicy, with meat and beans and peppers. Oh, my. I had two giant bowls of it and loved every spoonful that I shoved into my mouth. The lovely HoBiscuit even made cornbread so we would have the proper side dish for the chili. And let me tell you, HoBiscuit makes some nice cornbread. And, do you know what else goes really well with chili?

Cheese and sour cream.

Oh, the bliss that is spicy chili covered in shredded cheese and sour cream! All that spice! All that sour cream and cheese! They go so well together that I couldn’t stop myself from piling on spoonful after spoonful of sour cream on my chili, and at least a fistful of shredded cheese on top of each… bowl…

Hey, there’s something I’m supposed to remember about me and cheese…

Wait, sour cream too.

…

I don’t recall…

Huh, something about milk products, I think. Huh, me and milk. Milk and me. Milk, milk, milk. Yeah, it’s coming in clearer now. Didn’t I find out something about me and milk about three months ago? Something important? I think I discovered that I wasn’t going to tolerate something anymore. Not tolerate something because it upset me? Huh? what’s that? You think I might be lactose intolerant? And that means, what? No! So, you’re saying that I shouldn’t have eaten all that cheese? What about the sour cream? Really? Made with milk, you say? No, no. I think I get it now. This knowledge would certainly help explain the screaming, small explosions and smell of burning hair in the bathroom this morning.

I wish I could sit down.

Geek Luck

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Traveling •   3

Even when I’m lucky, I’m unlucky.

I went to Orlando this weekend and not because I wanted to, but because I had to for work. The work itself was easy and uneventful, so I won’t bore you with the details. However, I would like to take a moment to tell you a little bit about my flight out to Ratland so that those of you who might be thinking of flying there this summer might have a little warning about what to expect.

The kids are Kuh-RAZY!

First, I knew where I was going so I knew that the plane would be filled with kids, so don’t think I was taken unawares by all the children in the waiting area. However, I just wasn’t totally prepared for the massive amount of tween and teenager girls from, of all places, Brazil! They were all wearing their green shirts and skin-tight black pants and the group leader actually had a little tour-guide-like flag which she held aloft so the entire group of kids could follow her everywhere.

And the talking!

I used to think that girls talked a lot and that they couldn’t possibly get any more annoying with their yapping to each other, or gossiping about something, or discussing the latest hair styles, or whispering about someone they don’t like… or openly pointing at me and laughing…

Damn you 8th grade. Damn you to hell.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that girls yapping away in a language I didn’t understand was even more annoying than when I do understand what they’re talking about! The fact that they kept looking my way and giggling didn’t improve my mood at all, so when an announcement was made asking for volunteers for exit row seating (where children aren’t allowed to sit) I literally jumped up as the first volunteer. I believed I had gotten lucky until, 10 minutes before boarding, my name was called. The ticketing agent explained to me that the flight was full and asked if I might be willing to give up my exit row seat in exchange for a first class seat with a free meal and extra miles for my mileage card?

Holding back tears of joy, I nodded my approval.

I couldn’t believe my good fortune. From being stuck with the Brazilian Gossip Girls to having an exit row seat guaranteed to be children-free to being in first class! It was my lucky day! I boarded the plane with the first group and even managed to find room for my carry-on bag without having to elbow an old lady in the face for the overhead bin. The flight attendants gave me a welcome aboard drink and some hot cashews in a petri dish, I took out my magazines and settled in to my leather-clad, reclining seat. Everything seemed to be set for a perfect two and a half hour flight down to Florida.

Until my seatmate arrived.

To say this guy smelled worse than an onion eating monkey afflicted with leprosy with a dead skunk stuck in its anal orifice would be vastly insulting to the monkey. I had major trouble just sitting there trying to breath without vomiting and every time he moved a wave of nausea inducing air would wash over me like a tidal wave of death. The flight attendants, who had been so nice to me when I first arrived, avoided my row like the plague. In fact, I believe they thought my seatmate had the plague. The free meal I was offered was refused because I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything for fear of becoming violently ill in the process. Plus, two seconds after liftoff the guy fell asleep and he SNORED like a bear chewing on a running lawnmower. All in all, my ‘luck’ in being upgraded turned into one of the worst flights I’ve ever taken and all because of the seatmate from hell.

In other news, Orlando is humid.

Ah! Geek Laziness

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   2

The movie 40 Year Old Virgin will be my downfall.

Yesterday, I was sitting at home all alone when it dawned on me that I had in my possession six discs containing the entire first season of a TV series I have loved for over 15 years. This show which I love so much was created based on a movie, which was based on a comic book, which was first published around 1988. Ever since I first saw the opening credits of the badly copied VHS tape of the original movies I have been waiting to see more of this series. And so I was astounded to discover that I had the willpower to abstain from watching these discs for an entire week while entertaining family and friends for the Independence holiday festivities.

But yesterday I was alone. And free.

Free to sit down in my amazing new home theater, fire up my 7.1 surround-sound system, power on the HD projector and watch my most favoritest TV adaptation of a comic book ever in all its 106″ widescreen glory. And let me tell you, it was glorious. I watched all 10 hours of it in one sitting and I only got up once to eat and use the bathroom. I laughed a lot and I even teared up a few times (big softy that I am) while sitting there in the dark and I loved every moment of watching these characters come to life after almost 7 years of waiting.

And then HoBiscuit came home.

Remember earlier when I said that the 40 Year Old Virgin would be my downfall? Well, if you’ve seen that movie you might remember one scene where Dave (Paul Rudd) and Cal (Seth Rogen) are playing a video game while making fun of each other. It is that scene that will now haunt me for the rest of my life because, you see, HoBiscuit just happened to come home from work at the big finale of the series when the two leads finally (finally!) profess their feelings for each other.

And I almost (almost!) needed tissues.

HoBiscuit – “You know how I know you’re gay?”
GeekMan – “Shhhh! This is the best part!”
HoBiscuit – “Because you love Ah! My Goddess.”
Geekman – [snif] “I hate you.”

Damn, I can’t wait for the Season 2 box set to be released!

Ultra Suckage

• by GeekMan • In Announcements, Quickie •   1

So, how much do I suck?

How much do I suck for not writing in the last two weeks? How much do I suck for not finishing my ‘How to buy a computer’ series? How much do I suck for not figuring out how to implement the design for this website that I’ve had sitting on my hard drive for the last year? How much do I suck for writing a stupid post asking how much I suck?

In other news; my back is better.