“You stupid, lying bastard.”

It wasn’t the remark that was so surprising; it was the vehemence with which it was said that caused me to take both a physical and mental step backwards. This was unfortunate since I happened to be standing on a street corner and by stepping backwards I nearly got hit by a passing bus. After taking a moment to let my heartbeat slow down from a near-death-experience 340bpm to my more natural state of nervously-fearful-impending-doom 200bpm, I turned back to my assailant.

“I’m sorry, but why exactly am I a stupid, lying bastard?”
“This time, you mean?”
“Oh… of course. This time. So, why am I a stupid, lying bastard THIS time?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know.”
“Wait, seriously. I don’t know, OK?”
“Liar.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Lying liar.”

Talk about exasperating. Here we were, standing on the street on an abnormally warm winter’s day, late for a gathering of people I didn’t want to see and now I had to deal with playing twenty questions with this angry dwarf-person for the whole 30 minute trip? Could my life really be this pathetic?

“I didn’t think it was possible, but you look dumber without your glasses.”

It’s quite possible that god hates me.

“Why are you so pissed?”
“You promised to be back soon and here it’s been over two months! What the hell’s taking you so long?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your website, you moron.”
“Oh, for the love of Mike Rowe!”
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me! Your website is the only way I have to find out what’s going on in your life and if you don’t write in it how am I supposed to gossip?”
“Listen. I said I wouldn’t be able to update until after the New Year, ok?!”
“Well, it’s after the New Year. Get writing!”
“It’s New Year’s Day! I’m visiting you and everyone else today. Cut me some slack.”
“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“I’m trying to find the time, ok? I’m very, very busy with work. Plus, I may have lost 5 year’s worth of posts, I’ve had to move to a new web host AND I’m trying to migrate to a new blogging software system that I don’t fully comprehend.”
“Boo-hoo-hoo. Now you sound like a whiner.”
“I’m not whining! I’m trying to tell you why I’ve been a little slow in updating my stupid website!”
“Well, why don’t you just let that funny Bread person take over? At least he writes when he says he’s going to write.”

Yep. God hates me.

“Look, first of all, Bread can’t write for me. I write for him. Second, I wanted to release a new design before I began updating the site, but since you really want me to write I’ll make an effort to find the time tonight to update my Blog. OK?”
“Well, your site does look like crap, you know.”
“I know, OK?! I know! And it really pisses me off, but there’s nothing I can do until I can get the time to make my design work with WordPress so stop bugging me about it already!”
“Well, I just thought you should know how important it is to some people that you keep your promises.”

I wondered if my new eyes were healed enough for me to have a good cry yet.

“OK. I get it. You want me to write something whether or not my design is ready.”
“Only if you really think you should keep your promises.”
“Sigh. I really think I should keep my promises, even though I never really made a promise about this.”
“Don’t get technical with me. I’m just trying to help you, that’s all.”
“I know. And I appreciate it. Really, I do.”
“Good. Now tell me you love me.”
“I love you mom.”
“And I love you. Even if you are a stupid, lying bastard. Now open the car door or you’ll make us late for dinner.”
“Yes mom.”
“And I still think you should let Bread write more often. He’s really funny.”

Somebody, anybody, please shoot me in the throat.