Once More Unto The Breach

Posted on May 26th, 2006

Guess who’s leaving you again?

That’s right people, I’ve got to pack it up and do a bit of traveling for work again. What fabulous and exciting adventures await our dashing hero this time? No one knows exactly, but I’m pretty darn excited because I’m headed to Bangalore, India! And if someone can’t find excitement and adventure in India then they might as well hand over their Adventuring Hero Membership Card and call it a day.

But not me. I’ve got a lifetime membership.

But hey, you know what’s even cooler? After I get back from India I have another big job where I’m traveling to yet another foreign land. What foreign port will I be traveling to next, you ask? Why, Copenhagen, Denmark of course!

I cannot WAIT to buy some clogs and dance under a windmill.

What does all this traveling I’ll be doing mean for you, dear reader? Well, it means that from now until June 19th updates here will be few and far between as I spend all my energy and time trying to sightsee places that I expect I’ll only get to visit this one time in my life. I know you’re all jealous and disappointed, but… well, I don’t care! I’m going to India and Denmark!

Oh, man! I fricking love my job!

Filed under Breaking News | 3 Comments »

Olde School TMG Rap

Posted on May 25th, 2006

Sung to “Paul Revere” by Beastie Boys

Now here’s a little story – I’ve got to tell
About three bad psyches – you know so well
It started way back in history
With Ex-Boxx, Crusty Bread, and me – M. G.!
I had a little Bloggie called The Mighty Geek
Just me and my Bloggie and my jokes so weak
Writing stuff so sad – Killing my fans
As they left my site in droves cause I sucked so bad

One lonely psyche I be
All by myself without nobody
A Geek sitting down on my ass so fat
My head was getting hot – my jokes were going flat
Making a sandwich – I ran into a guy
His name was Crusty Bread, I said, ‘Hello.’ – He said, ‘Die.’

He told a little story – that sounded well rehearsed
Four days in the fridge and that he’s dying for mirth
A fork was in his hand – and pointed at my neck
With angry voice and reddened eye – he stabbed my intellect
He said, ‘Can you write some?’
I said, ‘I can’t write none!’
Had a chance to run
He stabbed me in my bum
Quick with the pain – I thought I was dead
He put the fork to my head and this is what he said,

‘Now my name is Crusty Bread – I’ve got a cure for your plight
I think you know what time it is – it’s time to joke write
Now what do we have here – a GeekMan and his fear?
I run this brain, you’re dumb and lame – I make myself clear?’
We stepped up to the screen – I had to cry, he had a grin
You think this story’s over but it’s ready to begin

‘Now I got the fork – your time is through
You got two choices of what you can do
It’s not a tough decision as you can see
I can stab you to death or you can write with me.’
I said, ‘I’ll write with you if you can make me more funny
The jokes I write now make me sound like a dummy
I write about this – I write about that
I write about it all and it’s crap
So… I’m out of fun – my readers have run
Right about now – I fear my site is done
And The Mighty Geek – that is my name
And I know my mind’s shattered and I’m going insane.’

We wrote for six hours then we hit the Box
The guns were blazing and the missiles were hot
The Box was sexy like a girl at eighteen
My brain took notice and created the scene
Crusty Bread said, ‘Yo Bub, you know this chick?’
I said I didn’t, but I know he did!
The chick said, ‘Get ready ‘cause this ain’t funny
My name’s Ex-Boxx and I’m the GeekMan’s honey.’
Pulled out the Halo – held it to the sky
She yelled, ‘Halo Rocks!’ – As I just sighed
She stood up and my jaw hit the floor
She wasted no time in giving me more
‘I’m Ex-Boxx and I get respect
Your love and adoration is what I expect.’
Crusty Bread was with it and he’s my ace
So I grabbed the computer keyboard and I wrote her into place
The funny story’s out – the lameness stopped
Your fav’s are weak – if I get dropped
Ex-Boxx for the sexy – Crusty Bread for the bold
I’m for all Geekies – now the story’s told

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Paradise Lost

Posted on May 24th, 2006

“Hmmm. I think I need some new anime DVDs.”

Taking another look at my vast collection of anime I nodded in satisfaction. There I was, standing in front of shelf after shelf of anime DVDs, each of which I had watched at least once on my Very Expensive Home Theater System. I puffed out my chest with pride knowing that I was truly a master of all I surveyed.

A sad and pathetic master, but still, a Master.

Since it was a little late in the day for a trip to my favorite anime shoppe, I decided to check there website to find out their business hours before making the long and arduous journey. But when I got there I received the shock of my week.

“They’re closed?!”

I sat there in disbelief for about ten minutes. How could they do this to me? How could they close their doors without even a going out of business sale? Where was the big 50% off super sale? Did they not have a liquidation bonanza? Holy crap, where was I going to buy the entire series of Eureka 7 for $40 instead of having to spend $30 per DVD at Amazon?! Now that they’re gone, where am I supposed to get my anime fix?!

Dammit. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep.

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For Future Reference

Posted on May 23rd, 2006

Just so you know.

Eating an entire pint of vanilla Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream right after downing 64 ounces of very sugary raspberry iced tea and then walking in the hot afternoon sun for two hours is NEVER a good idea.

Not even when the ice cream is free.

Filed under Experiments | Comments Off

Warning Signs

Posted on May 22nd, 2006

I was starving.

Last night, as I wandered the city streets window shopping for new gizmos and gadgets to add to my collection, I decided that I would eat something bad for me. I don’t really know why I had a craving for bad food, but I’m sure you’ll all agree that when the desire for fatty, salty, horrible-for-your-body food strikes you, you must satisfy it or die in the attempt.

And man, was I ever Jonesin’ for a burger.

It just so happens that the street I was walking down had one of my favorite bad fast food places on it and, like a good little crave-fulfilling drone, I headed right to it. Upon entering the King McWendies, I was assaulted by the smell of fry grease and burger fat and my mouth went into drool overdrive. It had been months since my last King McWendies fix and after a full day of window shopping I couldn’t imagine a more fitting meal for my dinner than a big, fat, bacon cheeseburger, a side of fries and a swimming pool filled with the carbonated beverage of my choice.

It would be like having heaven in a greasy paper wrapper.

I quickly stepped up to the counter and placed my order. Moments later I was sitting down at a table with my food displayed before me like a mini-shrine to human consumption, the burger dripping with secret sauces, bacon fat and grease, the fries covered in salt and more grease and the humongous soda standing above the rest, tall and proud like an idol of Vessence the Goddess Of Carbonation.

It brought a single tear of joy to my eyes.

Carefully, almost reverently, I picked up my burger and took my first bite. Oh the meaty juiciness, the bacony deliciousness of the King McWendies bacon burger. It was everything I remembered, everything I had hoped. It was juicy, it was hot and it was…

Tangy?

Wait a minute. This wasn’t right! This was wrong! Horribly, horribly wrong! My burger shouldn’t taste tangy, like good-for-you orange juice. It should taste fresh and greasy, like something really bad for you. What the frick was going on here?

I took another bite just to make sure.

Hmmm… I could taste the meat itself, hot and juicy and bad for me. That seemed to be fine. What else was there? Hmmm… pickles, check. Lettuce, check. Onions, check. Cheese, check. Secret sauces and ketchup, check and check. Well, there doesn’t seem to be anything amiss with the ingredients in the burger, maybe I should visually inspect it for discrepancies…

And that’s when I saw the mold.

Not a tiny spot of mold, no. The entire bottom part of the bun was covered in green mold. Green, furry mold. To say I was taken aback by this discovery would be somewhat misleading since what I was actually feeling was more like amazingly disgusted rage.

Immediately followed by nearly overpowering nausea.

Knowing full well that the worker bees at King McWendies would be of no help whatsoever, and also knowing that there was no way I would be eating anything more from King McWendies… EVER… I decided that the best course of action was to quietly demand my money back, leave King McWendies and eat somewhere else.

Preferably someplace that didn’t serve bread.

After getting my money back I made my way to my favorite restaurant. A place where the owner knows me and the chef always gives me a little something extra for free. I ordered my favorite dish, took a sip of water and got ready to enjoy my meal. And then it hit me. Moldy bread? At King McWendies? Suddenly I knew it hadn’t been a random mistake, the moldy bread had been planted. Somebody wanted to send me a message… a message only I would comprehend. And following close on the heels of that revelation came the perpetrators name; Bread.

I began to sweat.

Taking another sip of water I tried to calm myself down. It couldn’t possibly be Bread, he was gone. History. He had left long ago and said he wouldn’t be coming back because I was far too lame for someone as cool as himself. He wasn’t back. He couldn’t be back. Could he?

I sweated even more.

Suddenly very thirsty, I lifted my water to my mouth for another sip. Glancing down I discovered a dead fly floating right below where my lips would have been on the glass had I tried to drink. Looking closer, I saw that there was a tiny knife stuck in the flies back and a note that read, “Hi Bub. See you soon.”

Holy crap, I’m a dead man.

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