Month: January 2005

I Feel Like Suicide

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   4

OK, so how many of you thought I was dead?

Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not dead yet. In fact, I’m alive and kicking despite the best laid plans of my clients and their nigh impossible demands upon my mind, body and soul. My physical health may be in tatters, my mental stability may be fraying at the edges and my emotional well being may be spiraling down the crapper of personal self hatred, but I want all of you to know that YOU were first and foremost in my mind during the last month and all I’ve thought about was getting back to you so I could brighten your day with my daily writings about my pathetic life.

So, let me catch you up on my life… using convenient bullet list format!

  • Not counting NY, I have visited four cities so far this year for work. All four are now under quarantine or have been declared national disaster areas by the US Department of Anti-Geekiness.
  • A close friend had a baby boy on January 7th. Congratulations V & A!
  • After living in our apartment for 6 whole months, HoBiscuit and I can finally unpack our belongings this weekend. Just in time for the SuperBowl.
  • Despite Mother Nature’s greatest attempts to the contrary, I survived the Great Winter Snowstorm of 2005 without once succumbing to the urge to kill, skin and devour my neighbors children to stave off starvation. However, little Timmy’s dog Kiki will be sorely missed.
  • I caught the flu not once, but twice in three weeks. Currently, my white blood cells are on strike until I find a way to pay them all the overtime they accrued as I lay praying for death in various hotel rooms across the country. And hey, if you were sick this month and aren’t sure how you caught your cold, feel free to blame me for your agony. HoBiscuit sure does.

So, now you know how crappy my month has been. How was yours?

I Give Up

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Traveling •   8

Goodbye cruel world.

This is going to be one very busy month for me, so instead of worrying about my website while I’m working, or trying to be funny during my 60 second lunch break when I haven’t slept in two days, I’m just going to close up shop here until my schedule once again allows me the free time to write more posts. I know you’re upset but I’ll be back as soon…

What the…?

You’re laughing? At me? You think my leaving is funny? What kind of person are you? Oh no, don’t go dabbing at your eyes and making the ‘frowning-almost-crying’ face at me, you faking faker! I know how you really feel now, so let’s be honest and stop with all the acting because now we all know that you don’t really care, right? Right?!

Oh man, that is so cold.

Damn. I mean… damn. Oh man, that hurts. Really. It feels like you just put a fricking salt-water-and-lemon-juice icicle in my eye, you know? I mean, you could have pretended. You could have lied to me and told me you cared and only laughed at me after I was gone. But noooo, you had to rip out my damn heart right here in public, didn’t you? Right in front of all your friends so you’d look all macho and stuff, huh? Well guess what?! You aren’t macho! You’re not even cool! And I hate you!

Hate you! Hate you! Hate you!!!

[wiping tears]

*sniff*

Get that tissue out of my face.

*sniff*

I’m not listening to you. You’re a liar.

*sniffle*

Well, I want to believe you…

[blowing nose]

You mean it? You promise? You’re not pulling my chain, right? Really? Really?! Oh wow! I never thought you ever felt that way! What are you doing…? Oh! Oh. My. God. It’s beautiful! OMG! I don’t know what to say! Oh! Yes! YES! Oh wow, I’ve got to call my mom…

Hey, do I need to change my last name?