Month: April 2005

Bad To The Last Drop

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   3

Post Urination Drip

Don’t look so shocked. Someone out there had to have the nads to bring this shameful secret to light, and I’m just the Geek to do it. PUD has haunted mankind since the dawn of time and no one has ever mentioned it. Because we’re all ashamed to tell the world that we pee our pants.

Don’t look so high and mighty; you know it’s happened to you.

Oh yes, it has. No one likes to talk about it, we all pretend that it doesn’t happen, but it does. And the truly sad thing is; everyone knows it. It’s a fact of nature that cannot be denied and no matter what we do to try and stop it, we never will. We shake, we wipe, we squeeze, we even do little dances and pray in front of the porcelain alter in the hopes that just once, just this one frickin time, it won’t happen to us. And every time, every single time, the porcelain gods laugh as that one last drop spreads its wet warmth around our loins and we spend the next half-hour doing the “Am I showing wetness” crotch-check. And then, as a final, cruel joke, because your crotch is now cold and wet, you swear you need to pee again.

And you know you don’t.

Every day we live in dread of the moment when PUD will happen to us. If a pharmaceutical company were to spend the time and money to create a pill that would eradicate PUD from the world I think they’d make billions, as long as they didn’t give it some stupid name like PUD-B-Gone, Urin-NOT or DripAway. No one would want to be caught dead carrying a little bottle with one of those names on it. Can you imagine the water-cooler talk if someone saw you popping DripAway at the office?

“Hey Frank, you hear about GeekMan?”
“No. What’s up?”
“He’s got a… little… problem.”
“What? Drugs?”
“No. Worse. He’s got a [vague hand gesture] little problem.”
“What? Oh. OH! You mean…?” [spills a drop of water on floor]
“Yeah.”
“Wow. The poor schmuck.”
“I know.”
“We should do something.”
[awkward silence]
“Do you think Hallmark has a card for this?”

Sin Geeky

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   4

It was a beautiful movie.

With its glorious black and white palette punctuated by spots of color so vivid as to cause objects to literally leap off the screen and punch you in the eye, Sin City was everything a comic book turned action movie was meant to be. From the extremely cheesy dialogue, to the computer generated sets, to the outlandish wardrobe (mostly worn by the women), everything in the movie screamed graphic novel come to life.

And I was loving it.

I sat there, one row higher than the middle of the screen and directly in the center of the theater, marveling at the sheer cinematic genius of the film as I stuffed my face full of sugar and salt. I munched on my ultramaximumsupremeextralarge popcorn, drank my swimming pool sized soft drink and chewed on 2,200 Twizzlers as the movie entertained me without giving even a thought to what consuming such foodstuff would do to my delicate gastrointestinal tract.

And then Dwight and Jackie Boy conversed in the car.

This was a humorous scene. It was funny. Very. And I wanted to laugh and show my appreciation for witnessing such a clever scene in such a good movie so I opened my mouth and laughed very, very loudly.

Only, what came out was not a laugh.

As soon as I opened my mouth I knew I was in trouble. There was no question of softening it, or of closing my mouth again in the hopes of stifling the beast before it was birthed upon an unsuspecting world. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than to stop this creature from escaping the confines of my mouth and thus save myself from the embarrassment to follow, but I was too slow and weak and it was a mighty beast that would not be denied.

Before I even knew what had happened it was free.

It started loud and ended louder. It promised foul deeds carried on the wings of death for all gods creatures. Grown men in third world countries, powerful leaders and warriors all, looked to the sky in fear as the horrible sound of their childhood bogeymen on the hunt reached their ears. Children cried, women fainted and small woodland creatures died in shock.

“BbbBBbbuuUUUUuuRrrRRrppPPppPPpp!”
“Oh. My. God.”
“I’m sorry, Honey! Really! I couldn’t help it, it just came out!”
[giggle] “GeekMan, that’s disgusting!”
“But… but I didn’t mean to do it! I was laughing…”
[laughter] “I can’t believe you. You are such a caveman pig. I’m so embarrassed! [giggle] Everyone’s looking at us… Ugh, don’t even look at me. Pretend we don’t know each other, maybe they’ll take pity on me or something.”
“But it’s not my fault…”
“Shush, watch the movie. Pig. [giggle]”
“…”
“…”
“Pass the popcorn.”
“I want a divorce.”