Writing Without Thinking

Today I have all of three minutes to write.

I thought it might be fun to do a stream of conscious type post, where I write free-form, completely free of my usual censorship and editing. So, without further ado, here’s GeekMan: Exposed!

My feet hurt.

Which is really funny because I’ve been sitting all day. Sitting on my slowly expanding butt with the Puckering Anus Of Wisdom. I call it that because every time I lose something and can’t find it no matter how hard I’ve searched I know, just fricking KNOW that the moment I sit down, on the Puckering Anus Of Wisdom, that I’ll remember where the thing I lost is and have to get up and get it before I forget again.

And that’s today’s lesson on finding stuff.

So I’m still typing. Typing, typing, typing without typos. Typos… Type O Negative. Blood. Ha, funny story. I was watching TV in a hotel room a couple of weeks ago when all of a sudden without any warning, my nose starts bleeding. And not the trickle of blood you see in bad kung-fu movies when the good guy gets kicked in the face 1,000 times and a drop or two of red colored water drips out of their nose. No. I’m talking about a large amount of vital life-fluid pouring out of my nostrils as if a microscopic Van Damme had just blown up the nasal equivalent of the Hoover Dam in my head to stop the evil plot of a criminal mastermind by drowning him in red blood cells.

OK, bad example.

Anywaste, there I was in my hotel room, a rerun of Facts Of Life on the tele and my nose pouring forth blood onto the cheap, ugly and most likely sex-fluid-stained coverlet when I realize that there is only one tissue left in the tissue dispenser in the bathroom. Looking over at the toilet paper (which was more like sandpaper than the cottony-soft stuff my Puckering Anus Of Wisdom was used to, but that’s a whole different post), I was ruefully reminded that I was supposed to have called housekeeping to get more since the only roll I had was down to its last four squares.

Shut up. I already know I’m an idiot, thank you.

By now the blood is actually running down my arms in little rivers, looking almost as if my arms had turned inside-out, exposing my veins for the world to see. At about this time I began freaking out since the blood didn’t seem to be slowing down at all. A sudden thought popped into my head that the Subway sandwich I had bought the day before and put into the fridge might have a napkin so I ran to the little kitchenette area of the room. Yeah, it was one of those Hyatt Suites, or maybe it was a Ramada Suites. Whatever, it had a little ‘kitchen’ with a fridge and a microwave and that’s it. I wasn’t able to cook anything that required any more skill than “Remove from box, perforate plastic cover with fork and nuke for 20 minutes.” but the bastards at the front desk could charge me 30% more than the next guy because dagnabit, the room had a fridge! Wasn’t I lucky? Yee. Ha.

Aside from the maid service, I might as well have been in a college dorm.

Back to the story. Not knowing what else to do, I quickly and decisively reached into the fridge and removed my leftover sandwich. Noticing that there were no napkins in the bag I cursed loudly to the gods above and demons below before it dawned on me that the sandwich was remarkably soft even though it had been in the fridge for a whole day. Heaving a sigh of resignation, I ripped off a large chunk of the soft bread and SHOVED IT UP MY NOSE.

Yeah, that’s right. Right up on in there. With a little twist, even.

Now, before you judge me, let me say in my defense that my nose was BLEEDING. A lot. My face, hands, and arms were covered in blood, as was the coverlet and the bathroom sink. If you had walked into the room right then you would have sworn that two druggies had been in a knife fight just seconds before you entered. I was freaking out and just wanted the blood to stop. And let me tell you, Subway may not make the best sandwiches in the world, but their bread sure can soak up human blood like nobody’s business.

If you’re a vampire, make a note.

Now I need to get back to work so I won’t tell you how I managed to get the blood-clotted bread OUT of my nose when the bleeding stopped, but rest assured, it was not nearly as much fun as it sounds. I don’t know if you know this or not, but bread flakes and breaks easily. Especially when it’s wet.

I just realized that there were towels in my hotel room. Holy crap, I’m stupid.