Where’d Everybody Go?

This is a Geek TV newsbreak.

We, the producers of the drivel collectively known as Geek TV, have discovered something that, although culturally, emotionally, intelligently and economically insignificant to the people of the world, we still feel needs to be sensationalized beyond all rational proportions until it becomes the next product of mass hysteria. It’s not that we feel left out of the whole Duct Tape Fiasco of 2003; it’s just that that train has already left the station and we can’t afford to miss the next trend or our already skittish sponsors will leave us and move over to reruns of Punky Brewster.

Or, worse yet, Dr. Phil.
[shudder]

It has come to the attention of this station that there is a crisis brewing on the internet. A crisis of almost biblical proportions. It’s not an immanent cyber-attack on the internets DNS servers or even the outbreak of a new and more destructive computer virus. What we’re bringing to your attention today is something worse, much worse.

Blogageddon is upon us.

That’s right citizens, Blogs all over the web are disappearing, falling silent, changing their main focus or being taken over by evil, power-mad psychopaths bent on using other people’s websites for their own egomaniacal plans of world domination.

One poor victims name is Dave.

Dave, of Acerbia.com, is a Bloggerville citizen who believed he needed to ‘take a break’ from the rigors of Blogging for a while. Somehow, he was convinced to hand over his site to a gaggle of different Bloggers from around the net and they began using Dave’s own site to further their nefarious plans. They claimed that their own sites had been destroyed due to something called a ’server crash’, but after an exhaustive 15 minute search involving one email and a couple of online chats with an anonymous source, we at Geek TV have found no proof of such an outage.

We now believe that Dave was being mind controlled.

When contacted by Geek TV, Dave would neither confirm nor deny that he was under the control of his new ‘guests’. He merely said, “I was promised boobies. They promised me boobies. Even Miguel promised me boobies.” over and over again.

Geek TV believes that ‘boobies’ is a new type of drug.

Another victim of this latest terrorist threat is poor Stacy of Blogatelle. When asked when her very popular web log would return, Stacy is quoted as saying, “My frickin server crashed you frickin morons! I’ll be back when I frickin feel like it. Now get that frickin camera out of my frickin face before I shove it up your frickin ass! Sideways!”

[chuckling]
Oh that Stacy, always the kidder.
[/chuckling]

Miss Michele of A Small Victory isn’t one who’s lost her site or been the subject of a takeover, but her story is tragic nevertheless. In the last year Michele has gone from writing witty, funny, introspective and sometimes vitriolic personal stories to writing witty, funny, introspective and sometimes vitriolic political stories. And as this story was being written, she has suddenly begun to question her writing and is thinking of going back to writing witty, funny, introspective and sometimes vitriolic personal stories yet again!

This can only be the work of evil incarnate, Osama Bin Laden.

When asked to comment for this story Michele said, “What the hell do you mean, ‘if I stop writing about political crap the terrorists will win’? I’m tired of writing about it and if I want to stop then I bloody well will stop and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now leave me alone you frickin jackhole before I call Stacy over here and watch her shove that frickin camera up your ass!”

[chuckling]
Ah Michele, she’s a class act all the way.
[/chuckling]

We at Geek TV believe these three, Dave, Stacy and Michele are only the tip of the iceberg. We are positive that there are many others out there who are suffering the same fate as these three hapless individuals, but they just don’t know it. We want the world to know about all the sites out there that have suddenly and ominously disappeared, changed their focus or been taken over.

Tell us of your pain, citizens. We are here for you.

No one else has given a thought to the consequences of these tragic events; they’re too busy thinking of themselves. Someone needs to speak up for the hapless people who have been forgotten by the rest of the world. Are we all so selfish? Are we too busy thinking of only ourselves to speak up on behalf of others? Well, we here at Geek TV are always ready and willing to open our mouths without thinking on someone else’s behalf.

Someone like GeekMan.

GeekMan, of The Pathetic Mighty Geek, disappeared from the web almost three months ago. He claims it was due to an overwhelming workload, but we now believe he may have been under the influence of ‘boobies’ or possibly even some other, more powerful, drug called ‘Moolah’. A close, personal friend of GeekMan who goes by the name ‘Bread’ explained why GeekMan had suddenly returned to Blogging;

“He frickin craves attention. He’s like some big, stupid circus clown. Y’know? The annoying kind? Yeah, with the nose that squeaks and the lapel flower that squirts water. If he isn’t the center of attention he gets all sulky and whiney and he becomes unbearable. You do realize that he’s only writing this whole frickin story in the hopes that the popular Blogs will link to him and drive up some traffic, right? He’s such a pathetic link-whore. It’s sad, really. Tragic.”

GeekMan could not be reached for comment.