We Know, Move On

Ladies.

Why is it that whenever a man and a woman have an argument over who works harder, deals with pain better, or does more around the house… actually, whenever a man and a woman have an argument about anything, why must the woman always use the Pregnancy Card?

It’s just not fair.

I mean, honestly. Where do women get off comparing cleaning the toilet to giving birth to a 6 pound baby boy? Where’s the correlation? Just because I complain that I don’t want to be your Sherpa and carry 40 pounds of your new shoes through a crowded mall while you continue to shop doesn’t give you the right to say I’m such a complainer that I’d never be able to carry a baby in my body for nine months like you. Because, really, without any proof to the contrary how do you know I couldn’t? You know, maybe I’m like a seahorse, did you ever think of that?

No? I didn’t think so.

Come on now, am I to believe that simply because I will never know the pain of giving birth that I’ve got to go visit your parents even though I’ve got the world’s worst migraine and really don’t want to go? Tell me the honest truth ladies, if a man tried to get out of asking for directions with the excuse that you would never know the shame of erectile dysfunction, how much sympathy would he get from you?

I’ll tell you how much; NONE.

So ladies, tell me how doing something that you’ve been biologically built to do since the dawn of time gives you the right to whip it out as an excuse, or valid-in-your-mind argumentative point, in every single argument you have with men? It’s getting silly that no matter what we say or do you can, and do, fling the pregnancy card in our faces to justify anything you want.

“Honey, I’m really tired. Do we really have to visit your parents tonight?”
[fwwip!] “You don’t know what tired is until after a day you’re pregnant and in heels!”

“Hey, let’s stop here for a minute. I really need to use the bathroom.”
[smack!] “Try having a kids’ foot stomping on your bladder 24/7!”

“It’s your stuff, why can’t you carry it?”
[pow!] “Because I’m going to carry your stuff for 9 fricking months, that’s why!”

“Ow! I just stapled my upper lip to this door and it hurts!”
[bam!] “You want pain? Try pushing a watermelon through you pee-hole, wimp!”

Ladies, we get it, ok? Pregnancy sucks. Personally, I don’t think men should accept the Pregnancy Card as a valid point any more unless the argument is specifically about pregnancy or children. If women continue to use it I think we men should begin using the Sex Card, because everyone knows that sex is the only thing a man thinks about so of course we are constantly fighting off the urge to do it with every woman we meet.

“Why do you always have to spend our money on stupid electronic crap?”
[fwiip!] “Why don’t you spend more money on sexy lingerie?”

“Stop watching the TV and talk to me!”
[pow!] “Only if you strip while we talk.”

“You have no idea how hard it is to carry a child!”
[bam!] “You have no idea how hard it is not to have sex with your best friend!”

Aaaannnd… let the flames begin.