Want To Hire Me?

GeekMan
Basement of Fiery Death and Wedding Preparation
666 6th Avenue
Hells Kitchen, NY 10110
geekman at the mighty geek.com

OBJECTIVE:
To contribute to your personal and professional success through the use of my devilish charm, god-like sexual prowess, amazing good looks, biting wit, venomous sarcasm, superior intelligence, exceptional customer service and other various skills in a permanent position as the primary organizer, manager, administrator and God-Like Supreme Overlord of your pitiful life. Hire me, or I will be forced to kill this cute and fuzzy bunny.

EXPERIENCE:
Wedding Slave – New York, 2003-Forever
Visualized, assembled and delivered over 150 wedding invitations. Used creative juices to slowly roast my own brain while cutting, pasting and printing said invitations. Upon project completion, will congratulate myself by placing my penis in the waffle iron.

Blogger Supreme – The Internet, 2001-2003
Conceptualized, produced, edited, managed and updated a stupid web site no one’s ever heard of. Used sophomoric humor and a retarded kindergartener’s idea of satire to avoid the reality of my pathetically sad and lonely life.

Senior Hairstylist – Long Island, NY, 1972-2001
Consulted with clients with reference to new styles and colors, providing experienced guidance without once stabbing the noisome old hags in their eyes. Managed and maintained a large client base consisting of 100+ victims personal clients. Handled dangerous electronic devices and sharp objects with dexterity and finesse, even while running after fleeing “clients”.

Wandering Minstrel – The World, 1544-1972
Experienced in the ancient art of cavorting while wearing pink and blue tights and a hat with little bells. Wait. On second thought, let us ignore this chapter of my life and never speak of it again.

High Inquisitor & Lordship General – Spain, 1523-1544
Used the power of my office to hunt down, torture and kill anyone who didn’t like me in high school. Created the word ‘heretic’ and defined it as, “Anyone who questions what I say, doesn’t do what I want them to do or who I even think doesn’t think like I want them to think.” This definition was later co-opted by women for their own use and ‘heretic’ was redefined as “Someone I want to beat up.”

Creator of Nazrebash – Fifth Circle of the Lower Pits of Hell
June 30th, 45BC from 4:21pm to 5:15pm
Used powers magical to conceptualize, create, populate and summarily destroy an entire plane of existence, including but not limited to, the heavens, the earth and all that once lived.

EDUCATION:
Masters in Blogging When Completely Uninspired – Midvale School for the Gifted, 2003
Masters in Fear Mongering and Despotism in the 21st Century – NYU, 1999
Masters in Undead Zombie Creation – Harvard, 1921
B.A. in Theater – City College, Nome Alaska, 1874