True Fear

In the center of a small city of packing tape and cardboard, he stands.

Majestic and proud, the Geek overlooks his vast kingdom and smiles with satisfaction as it expands before his very eyes. Worker drones with powerful muscles, and even more powerful odors, carry his kingdom, piece by piece, up from the lowly depths of the mortal world below to their new places in the skies above. There is only one reason that these worker drones would toil away like this. Only one Prize, one Reward, one Payment would be great enough to make these powerful beings follow the orders of such a cruel, evil and heartless dictator.

Free beer.

Cube upon cube of CO3 Type B Microondulated Standard 200lb Board Test Corrugated Shipping Boxes are stacked, one upon the other, by the tireless worker drones as they dream of the carbonated alcoholic beverages being held tantalizingly out of reach by their evil overlord. In less time than it takes to tell it, the last box is placed upon the final tower and the entire city is finished. Moments later, the beer is gone and so are the worker drones, no doubt off to the next would-be dictator with a miniature kingdom in need of relocation.

And so, the Geek stands alone in his paper city and looks upon it in awe and admiration.

And he stands.

And he looks.

And he…

…

He wonders what the hell he and his woman are going to do with all this crap, is what he does. Box upon box upon box of crap fills the living room and spills out down the hallway until it washes up on the shore of the queen-sized bed in the bedroom like water on the beach. Scattered among the boxes, like so many small islands in the south pacific, are tables, chairs, bookcases and couches. No flat surface in the place has been left box-less. Not the kitchen counter, not the windowsills, not even the bed.

Would you believe, even the toilet is covered by a box?

Feeling completely overwhelmed by the sheer immensity of the task before him, the Geek attempts to find something, anything, that will help him procrastinate long enough for HoBiscuit to arrive home from work and thus help him begin the unpacking phase of the move. Suddenly, a thought bubbles to the surface of his tiny mind.

Blog.

Hot DAY-um! That would certainly keep him busy for an hour or so! And didn’t he promise to update his loyal readership on the first of October? Damn straight he did, and by golly, he always keeps his promises, doesn’t he? Nodding like a chimp with a broken neck on Ecstasy, the Geek begins his search for the greatest procrastination device ever invented.

The computer.

By sheer luck, the special computer bag with his lovely laptop just happens to be visible next to the back wall of the dining room. It should only take him about half an hour to clear a pathway to that area and then he could write to his hearts content until HoBiscuit came home and yelled at him for being lazy.

A plan so crazy it just might work.

45 minutes later we find our hero sitting on a box labeled ‘Fragile – Glassware’ with his laptop balanced precariously on his knees, typing furiously. An hour after that, as he finishes with his story, he suddenly looks up from the computer and says, to no one in particular;

“Hey, how the hell am I going to find the phone jack?!?”

At that exact moment, the door opens and HoBiscuit enters. She is greeted with the sight of her man, who was supposed to be unpacking, sitting amongst a sea of still-packed boxes, with his computer in his lap and the words ‘phone jack’ still hanging in the air. The look she gave him would have chilled the heart of Beelzebub’s mother-in-law.

“If you even THINK of going online until each and every one of these boxes is empty, I’m going to be very, very upset. Is that clear?”

Woo, boy. Was it ever.

And that, my friends, is why the new design is not yet live. But at least I’m being allowed online long enough to tell my tale. If you don’t hear from me by Wednesday it’s not because I don’t want to write for this site.

It’s because I’m not allowed to yet.