Toy Story

This weekend I broke down and bought a new cell phone.

It was not a pretty sight. In fact, had you seen my tortured face and beaten spirit, you probably would have said it was sad and pathetic. After almost a full week of attempting to make heads or tails of the price plans offered by all the different cell phone service providers in my area, I blew a gasket and demanded that HoBiscuit accompany me to each individual provider’s store where we would ask questions from the actual people who worked there and, when we figured out which was the best fit for us, make a decision and sign up. And, even though it was raining cats and dogs, HoBiscuit agreed.

Now, that’s love.

Being the Great Planner that I am, I decided that in order to “practice” our questioning skills, and also to make sure we knew what to expect from each provider, we would first go to a cell phone store that resells for all of the providers. It just so happens that in the city there’s about two BILLION cell phone resellers willing to sell you a phone for the pleasure of owning your immortal soul. Walking into the first multi-provider reseller we saw we proceeded to be educated in the ways of Cell-Fu.

“Hello. How may I help you?”
“How much does cell service cost per month for each of these providers?”
“Individually, or as a family?”
“Uhhh… Family.”
“That depends on how much you’re willing to spend per month.”
“But, that’s why we need to know how much the plans are.”
“OK, how many minutes do you think you need per month.”
“I don’t know. 1,000?”
“OK. So, most providers don’t offer 1,000 minutes. But this one here does and it’s only $70 a month.”
“Each?”
“No, that’s the family rate, but once a year they’ll ask you a favor and you cannot refuse them, no matter what they ask.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry. They usually ask for stupid things.”
“Like what?”
“You know, they sometimes need an episode of the Soprano’s taped and they’ll ask you to do it for them.”
“Oh, that’s not so bad.”
“Nope. To be honest though, every once in a while you hear stories of people who were asked for their kidney, or to sacrifice their first born to the demon god Bzzkriktz, but odds are you’ll just be doing something harmless, like picking up their mother from her bingo game on a Thursday night.”
“Oh. Uh… well, what about the other guys?
“Well, this other provider offers only 600 minutes for the same price, but they reserve the right to donate your eyes to medical research.”
“Wait. Before or after I’m dead?”
“That’s not specified in the contract.”
“Damn. OK, moving on…”
“This provider offers 700 minutes at the same price, but their contract specifically states that you must have a mind-control chip placed into your brain for the duration of the contract so they can read your thoughts and control your actions.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s pure science fiction.”
“Nope. Do you know who one of their first customers was?”
“No. Who?”
“Lee Harvey Oswald.”
“Damn. Well, that almost makes sense…”
“Uh-huh. Anyway, these other guys here have really bad reception in this area. However, if you go with these guys, you get 800 minutes and a free kick in the nads every month.”
“I kick them or they kick me?”
“I believe they kick you.”
“Well, am I allowed to wear protection?”
“No. That much I do remember from the contract. Also, and I tell you this in confidence, the contract does not actually specify that a person will do the kicking.”
“Wait. You’re telling me they can use an animal to kick my nads?!”
“Yes. I once heard of them using an angry mule. But even worse is I believe they’ve recently hired a graduate from MIT who has developed a machine that will kick you for them.”
“Oh no!”
“Oh, yes. And their contract also states that if you’re ever late paying them, they can shove a bottle in your butt and continue to kick your nads until your sphincter contracts hard enough to break the bottle.”
“Wow. Well, who do you use?”
“Are you kidding me?! I just carry a phone around to look cool. I’d never sign up with any of these guys.”
“Well, let’s say you had to get a cell phone. Who would you go with then?”
“I’d probably take my chances and go with the first guys. They usually ask for simple things and their phones are pretty cool.”
OK, well… what’s the cost for internet access and text messaging?”
“You want internet and text messaging with your service?! What are you, some psycho nutjob?! They take body parts and souls for those perks, man! Get out of my store, you freak! Get out! GET OUT!!!”

We got.

After another three hours of wandering in the rain from store to store, we finally knew which provider we wanted and, more importantly, which phone. For those who care, we decided to go with T-Mobile because they had very competitive prices, good service in our area and they offered a one year contract just in case we didn’t like them. And, because I’m such a gadget geek, we went with the very cool T-Mobile MDA phone, which seems awesome so far, especially with its hip slide-out keyboard and ability to sync with Outlook. Plus, each month it kindly reminds me when they’re going to ask me for that favor I owe them by shocking my left testicle. It’s the left because they took the right one as the down payment for my cellular internet service.

It’s funny, but I’m not really sure if that was worth it.